Bad Milk in Raleigh - Part 2
When we last saw our intreipd herione (that would be me) she was navigating the shark infested waters of the dating pool.. We now join our previously scheduled program, already in prgress..
Next, there was Francisco, a guy I was involved with for a month or so quite awhile back.. The relationship ended, and ended badly at the time, but, for some reason, we remained in contact, quasi-friends, via emails and the occasional late night phone call.. Allow me to clarify.. He would frequently call me at 2:30am just to talk.. Oh sure, technically they could be called pseudo booty-calls as he usually invited me to come over but never took it personally when I would point out, no, I was already home, in my jammies, dating someone and not going anywhere…Hell, for a 6 month period, I talked to him almost every other Saturday night at 2:00 for at least a half an hour but never actually saw him in person.. At one point I changed the ring-tone in my phone for him to play ‘3 AM’ by Matchbox 20 (“Baby, it’s 3 am I must be lonely").. Strange relationship doesn’t begin to cover it.. Part failed booty-call, part friendship, part drunken phone buddy, part conversational compatibility.. Oddly enough I did and still do think the world of him, really.. Hell, I'd probably be willing to date him again, except our current friendship works so well for both of us.. I'm remarkably stupid about matters of the heart.. Anyhow, one night, after a dry-spell in communication (correctly attributed to the presence of a new girlfriend), my phone rings at around 2:15am. Francisco, well and truly liquored up, proceeds to tell me he is supposed to be getting married in the morning.. That he’s supposed to be at some church at 11:00 am but that he can’t stop thinking about me and isn’t sure it’s the right thing to do, blah, blah, blah.. I actually spend the next 3 hours on the phone talking to him about it, pointing out it’s a bad sign that he’s very drunk and calling an ex the night before he’s supposed to get married, asking why he was getting married if he didn’t want to, that he would probably not be sober by the time he was supposed to be walking down an aisle anyways, which, generally makes a bad impression at the alter (altho, in hindsight, I should have been liquored up walking down the aisle the first time), etc.. This went on til after 5:00 am when I said I needed to go to sleep and for him to call me later and let me know what happened or if he needed a ride to the church.. No call, no surprise.. Sunday, I called to see what was up.. No answer.. I’m assuming he’s on his honeymoon at this point.. Monday, I get an email.. He didn’t get married, he was never getting married, he was just really drunk, he’d had a fight with his girlfriend that night and was really not sure exactly why he said all those things to me.. To this day, I have no clue what that whole night was about..We didn't talk for a month or so and have both just sort of pretended it never happened.. My only reply to his email was that I suggested he consider a Halidol/Thorazine cocktail before bedtime.. Again, we remain good friends and after a brief “come to Jesus” email about not messing with my head, we were back on track with the random late night chat sessions.. Or whatever we are when he calls late at night when he’s lonely and needs a laugh..
Why This Was Wrong: Men do it all the time. You have a fight with the girl you're dating, get engaged and have a little last minute cold feet or just have a couple of drinks and decide a little late night jaunt down memory lane is a good idea.. This is wrong. Do not call your ex and screw with her head. Keep whatever relationship issues you have with your current girlfriend between the two of you. It’s also generally considered disrespectful to have the only time you contact someone be when you’re drunk.. Don’t allow your loneliness and life regrets to drive you to cause emotional turmoil and sleep deprivation in someone whom you have no intention of ever dating or even show respect enough to spend time with when you’re sober. It’s tacky. And possibly one of the signs of a substance abuse problem. We women are notoriously stupid when it comes to men and phone calls.. We don't like to admit it, but we are.. The Wayward Home for Vixens has spent countless hours of insanity trying to figure out the meaning of stupid, random, drive by phone calls. You think it's just checking in, saying hi, blah, blah, bliddy blah but the reality is that what you are doing is trying to formulate a back-up plan in case your relationship fails.. Or else you're trying to check to see if you've still got it, that you could still get her back.. This is not only unfair, it's hurtful and presumptuous. If you can't get her out of your head, consider actually dating her for a change instead of assuming you've got all the time in the world and that she'll be waiting when and if you ever get your shit straight. Oh, and for the record, wanting to see someone only when you are drunk and horny is not a compliment in any way, shape or form.. It translates into: "I'm too cheap to get a hooker, want to be a charity case 'ho?"
Next up: Cancel My Subscription, I'm Over Your Issues.. The tale of Rocco and the Inter-Continental Dating Disaster..
Have a good one, Gang..
The Milk Has Gone Bad in Raleigh
Last week I sent out this link to a great article called The Milk Has Gone Bad, about the stupid dating moves guys pull that leave us women banging our heads against the wall. You know, we women all start off sane and rational but then, through extended periods of dating, we slowly become insane.. Allow me to deconstruct some of my own head smacking moments that make me wonder “What the fuck?? The species is doomed”. I have chosen 4 representative examples of general bad behavior in men from my own personal dating repertoire.. These are all interactions that are fairly recent or are people that I am still in contact with.. In the spirit of the original article, I have changed names to protect the innocent, the guilty and the utterly useless..
PART 1: Biff, King of the Lame Ass Excuses
First, there was Biff, this ultra preppy gentleman I met at RiRa’s that put on the full court press while clearly hammered one night.. Now, having been in his condition on at least one or two occasions myself, I took his declarations of interest in dating with a big horkin' spoonful of rock salt.. That and, "preps", not really my type.. But seeing as my type tends to suck, I figured, what the heck, we’ll be open to a new experience. Recognizing his own inebriated state for what it was, he got my number but then also gave me his and made me promise to call him the next day to remind him that he wanted to take me out to dinner.. About 6 times he made me promise to call because he knew he was too shnockered to remember.. I figured, again, what the heck and called the next day.. He said it was great to hear from me, yada, yada, yada, he was leaving to go out of town and could he call me Sunday night when he got back?? I said sure.. That was 2 months ago.. Now, make no mistake, I did not lose a moment’s sleep over this. I chalked it up to “idiot drunk guy” and moved on, forgetting he existed..
Fast forward to last weekend, out on the town with Dani.. Here comes Biff.. He came right up and said he was so sorry he hadn’t called, he had been really, really busy at work lately and had been dealing with some other "issues" (Fuck me, am I sick of hearing that word these days, but I digress, we'll get to that in Part 3) and wanted to know if he could take me to dinner this week.. I said “I’m going to have to go with no, sorry, but you can’t..”.. He was a bit confused as I delivered the news with a very friendly smile on my face, and tried to convince me to give him another chance and that he really did want to go out with me.. My reply: “Look, sweetie, you missed your window.. A man is only as good as his word and if you can't even be trusted to make a simple phone call, well frankly, there’s no point in trusting you at all.. Actions reveal a man’s true inner character, not words.. And the fact that the first words out of your mouth were excuses about how busy you are and some vague non-committal reference to "issues", a lovely albeit bullshit catch-all phrase for "I had better things to do than call you", well, that just shows that you also don’t accept responsibility for the way you act or your failure to act.. And let’s face it, you’re not Albert Schweitzer, you’re a sales rep, so it's not like you're out saving the world and curing cancer.. You were never really too busy to call, you just chose not to.. I'm 34 years old. This is not the first time this has ever happened to me, I know a blow-off when I see it.. But to cut to the chase, these are not qualities I seek in someone I get naked with”.. He stared mutely for about 15 seonds while he tried to comprehend just how badly I had assasinated his character (it was a pretty impressive little speech for 9:00pm on a Friday).. Once again he tried to back peddle and eventually got annoyed that I wouldn’t let him "make it up to me" b/c he didn’t call when he said he would.. He didn’t see what the big deal was.. He said “It’s not like we were dating.. I just don’t get it”.. To which I replied “No, sweetie, you don’t.. And you never will”..
Why He Was Wrong: Was I losing sleep waiting for this bozo to call? No, but it is just tacky and, in my opinion, denotes an utter lack of personal character, to say one thing and do another.. What are guys afraid of? An uncomfortable call? Just fess up and say : "I was drunk. I’m actually dating someone already. You seemed nice. Best of luck." However, if you do in fact blow a girl off and run into her in public, don’t make up lame ass excuses when you walk up. We’re generally much smarter than you are anyways... Again, fess up: " I was a shmuck, I didn’t call. I have no excuse except I was so drunk I didn’t remember you were this hot. Give me another chance and I’ll take you to dinner and I'll even show up with flowers". This actually worked on me once. Honesty. What a concept!
Next up: Francisco.. A year of 3AM phone calls and one 3 hour conversation about his pending "marriage"..
Have a good one, Gang..
Friday Night, the Purse Party and More Kansas Travelogue
Friday started off with me "working from home" which later became "working from Stool Pigeons" with Ken.. You gotta love the age of wireless networks.. I think we both agreed that it was a very productive day and that we accomplished alot during our team meeting..
Dani picked me up on her way home from work and we spent a little QT friend time before we traipsed off to downtown.. Overall a very tame and quiet night, just a few beers and we were headed home by 10:30..
Saturday was the Purse Party, Part 2.. Jenny Barnes once again did a great job and everyone was impressed.. I'm already toting my new fabulous multi-striped kate spade bag.. Thanks to all the ladies who showed up..
Saturday night was a BBQ with the fam and a quick drive-by for a party at LaLa's house.. Sorry I couldn't stay longer.. I had to prepare for the fundraiser tonight.. Hope to see everyone there, look for the detailed wrap-up tomorrow..
And, yet another communique from Kansas... As I suspected, he's living it up, chanting and sucking back chutney Squishy's..
His reply to the Fundraiser Reminder:
Obviously unless teleportation is invented in the next few days I will miss the event. But I do intend to contribute.
Alanis and Allah have thus far blessed my journey, though I know I've been stung by at least 3 mosquitos (those rat bastards) and am sure to come down with the mongolian flu or some nonsense shortly.
Last night I got into an argument with some natives and a highly liberal jag-off from San Francisco if you can frigen believe it. Yes apparently Americans are the devil and responsible for everything social ill committed in human history. I tried to explain that we weren't around during the Crusades and had nothing to do with fixing the famed tag team wrestling match between Buddha/Jesus and Allah/Mel...(a shop owner of little or no significance). Turns out they weren't really upset about the fixing as much as the fact that this Mel character was picked over the physically backward Triad of Hindu gods. Apparently not getting selected on the playground of the eternal was a very big deal, even then. With nothing else to do, this trifecta of spiritual dorks were made to carry decrative pom poms and devise humiliatingly trite cheers for members of the opposing teams. You know, things like... "That's all right, that's okay, your turban's from Kmart anyway."
Well, having completed the day's work I am off to buy flowing ropes and chant. I think the mantra for today will be an excerpt from an old Police song "ah doo doo doo, ah da da da"
Asa lamma laterI suspect he has been spending time at the opium den of iniquity but, hey, who am I to judge.. My advice to him was "Don't take any wooden rupees"..
And in response to a few of the "non-local" List-ers who were curious, no, Kansas and I are not dating... Yes we tried it once but he's a neurotic, germ-phobic athiest and I'm a missonary with 2 kids, so alas, it was not meant to be... We're "just friends", a dangerous, dodgy laughter filled territory of relationships which includes such classic dialog as "You really do mean the world to me and you know I love you dearly, but can I date your roommate?".. I like to think we have a genuine love and respect for each other that transcends the bullshit of dating and is blissfully content just getting on each other's nerves..
Have a good one, Gang..
Code Words and Kansas
Week 2 into the new job and I still don’t have access to the main system that I need to do any work.. Additionally, they are moving our team to a new location on Friday so I have to “work from home”.. This is amusing as I don’t have any work to do at the office, so being at home should at pretty much provide me only with greater opportunities for distraction.. I was contemplating working from the pub, as they have Wi-Fi.. I was wondering how much of a slack-ass loser that made me until Ken, my beloved co-worker, came by and asked if I knew of any bars with Wi-Fi that also had “Golden Tee”.. He’s looking for a place to work that not only has beer, but also has golfing video games.. He’s remains my hero.. The up-side of this move is I get to go back downtown for lunch a lot sooner than I thought.. Buck and Rene? Looking forward to it.. The Lunch Bunch rides again.. I get to see Rene fairly frequently with Usual Suspect gatherings and Family Night with the kids, but I miss me some Buck...
Busy weekend ahead.. Post work drinks with Emmaus Donna on Friday (I think we have to change your nickname, sweetie.. Talking about drinks and Emmaus at the same time just seems wrong) followed by a Gathering of The Vixens at the Cary Pub (no male Suspects invited), Purse Party, The Sequel on Saturday and then my fundraiser / Dad’s concert on Sunday.. Hope to see everyone there..
Code Words and The Secret Language of The Usual Suspects
So last weekend, after dinner at Bogart’s, AJ and I were regaling Good Will Hunting and Friendster Brad with various tales from The Usual Suspects story vault.. We kept having to stop and explain who various people were because we have all gotten in the habit of referring to folks in conversation by their Blog Names.. GWH is former military, 6 months out of Iraq and suggested that based on our elaborate system of code words, non-verbal cues and secret language, we could go to work for the military.. But only if the military ever wanted to stage a coup on an Irish pub or Bush made it a goal to wreck the social standing of Bin Laden within the Glenwood South area.. Wow.. Feel the power.. Or lack therof.. Anyhow, we started thinking about it and we do in fact have a large number of code names.. Maybe one day I’ll actually bang out a “The Usual Suspects” guide, complete with bio, codename and it’s origin.. Now that would make for some fun reading.. This topic also came up with Emmaus Donna (yep, definitely have to change that, babe…) and she asked why I didn’t have a nickname.. My answer is that I assign the nicknames so I don’t need one.. Nicknames don’t stick with me for some reason..
More Classic Kansas Dialogue
Our beloved Kansas has headed to India for 2 weeks to “commune with my people”.. This is a little disconcerting as he is New York Italian but, hey, to each his own.. I suspect it’s a work related trip.. We did caution him against going all Alanis on us.. If he comes back chanting and at peace with his balanced chakras we will be convening an intervention at a hockey game to help him reclaim his inner asshole..
Anyhow, being the total Mommy that I am, I told him to shoot me an email when he arrived so I would know he got there safe.. I was really hoping for a simple one liner but instead, I got the following:
Things are okay here. I met the Kung Fu man himself, David Carradine, in Germany. As you know, I'm not the type to ask for autographs but we did battle the evil forces of the secret Lufthansa ninjas in an effort to prevent them from making off with the sacred honey roasted peanuts. Alas their forces were many and they did indeed capture the coveted nuts. But ha ha this was our plan all along for the nuts were stale and of little value. By distracting our foes with the snacks of no significance we were able to safeguard the truly priceless short and twisty pretzel sticks. And so with the salty substances forever safe, I and the ever elusive Carradine parted ways...each destined to walk the earth in search of other evil doers whose plots, if left unchecked, might spoil the righteous and ever altruistic existence of snacks foods everywhere.
Hope all is well
I thought I would bust something trying not to laugh out loud in my quiet little cube.. I wish there were words to appropriately describe Kansas.. There just aren’t.. There’s no describing Kansas, you just have to experience him..
Have a good one, Gang..
Weekend Wrapup - August 14
Ever have the weekend where you can't wait to go back to work so you can rest?? This was that weekend.. Whew..
Friday night saw an amazing assembly of the Usual Suspects at the pub for post work celebratory drinks.. The cast of characters included
myself, Dani, AJ, Tracey The New Guy, Emmaus Donna, Big Brother, Kansas, Jen and Rene and Marco.. As CoraBean and I used to say "We uttered the words of doom: We're just going out for a few drinks. We're going to take it easy tonight.." That almost always guarantees that we'll be out for 6-7 hours.. And so we were.. We had the best time just hanging out and talking, joking and consuming frosty adult beverages.. At one point Marco tells us that they are filming
"Elimidate" somewhere on Glenwood South and we struck out to try to find the film crew.. To what end I have no idea b/c given the general boistrousness of the group, I'm fairly certain that, had we found the crew, we probably wouldn't have made it onto Elimidate, but an episode of Cops.. Lucky for us, we did not find the film crew.. We did however find ourselves at Hi5 where we proceeded to turn the side of the bar area into an episode of Dance Fever.. Big props to Kansas and Marco for being willing to be our dance monkeys for the night.. After Hi5 there was a quick drive-by at the pub for the requisite O-Bombs and then my beloved roomie took our silly butts home.. And a good time was had by all..
Various Weekend Quotes:
"Man boobs".. "Man boobs?".. "Yep, A-cups, but still man boobs..""Gina said I don't have to count him b/c of the 5 second rule. If it lasted less than 5 seconds, you don't have to count it""I think I might have a date tonight.." "You think? How does that work?".. "It's possible I made a date after that last O-Bomb.. And there's a new name in my cellphone.. I now have a 'Dude' in my phone".. "So you might have a date with someone named Dude, but you're not sure".. "That appears to be the situation.." "You're double-booked??.. Damn.. That's tricky stuff, slick.. I'm so proud of you..""Recon lap complete. We have a zero Ex-factor situation. We are ready for 'go' status.. Let's engage.."Saturday saw many of us nursing a tender noggin and generally being sort of lazy.. My day was spent surfing the couch.. then AJ, myself, Friendster Brad and Good Will Hunting headed out to have a little post birthday dinner at Bogarts.. The atmosphere and company were delightful but I gotta say, my entree was lousy.. You should probably avoid the shrimp and grits.. Post dinner we did a drink or two at the pub and then AJ and I headed home for a classic rommate moment.. We got ready for bed while chatting about the weekend and then decided to climb into my pimped up bed and watch our favorite mindless chick flick The Sweetest Thing.. Down, Kansas, it was just a movie in our jammies..
Quiet week ahead.. Week 2 of my new job.. The kids last week of summer.. and my mission trip fundraiser will be held next Sunday.. I really hope to see loads of shining faces in the congregation..
As summer is drawing to a close, I look back and have to say, we've had a great time.. The ladies of Team Single have spent countless hours talking, laughing and being an essential source of support as we navigate the often treacherous dating terrain.. I want to issue a disclaimer about some of the things found on my blog.. I tend to emphasize the more out there, off the wall and off color things that happen.. Honestly folks, the vast majority of our time is spent hanging out, watching TV and just talking as women do.. Not every moment of our lives resembles a Sex and the City episode.. Frankly, we're just 3 smart, good hearted women who are hoping to find someone who loves us that we can love back.. Everything else, well, that's just garnish..
Big thanks to CoraBean, AJ and Dani for your unending patience lately.. I love you guys..
Weekend Wrap-up August 8th
Whew!! This is the first chance I have had to sit down and do the weekend wrap-up since I got back on Sunday night.. The retreat was absolutely wonderful.. It was truly a “mountain top” experience.. Words cannot describe how amazing it was and the amount of love you encounter is truly mind blowing. I have never laughed, cried or prayed as much as I did during my 3 day Walk to Emmaus. It was exactly the spiritual renewal and reinvigoration that I was looking for as I continue with my preparations for the trip to Romania.. In addition to the wonderful accommodations, amazing sense of God’s unending love and bountiful meals and snacks, I met some amazing women and formed friendships that I know will last me a lifetime. One in particular, Donna, 
who truly is a sister of my heart.. Interestingly enough, she’s a psychologist at Central Prison.. Yep, I’m making a point of accumulating friends and acquaintances that I think will be of use to me when Xander grows up.. Detective Greg from the Gang Task Force, Special Agent Smart Ass, a probation agent and now Emmaus Donna, a shrink at the pokey.. I think I’ve got his high- school years just about covered.. Once I befriend a bail bondsman, I'm set... Donna and I probably gave our group leader fits.. We did take the experience seriously and we had many tear filled moments but we also had more than our fair share of being completely irreverent and cracking jokes.. I doubt they had ever had requests for Sangria during communion or anyone do the wave during prayers before. Part of the experience is not knowing what goes on there before you go, so I really can’t share much about the actual retreat except it did involve prayer, group discussions, singing, taking communion daily and fellowship.. As part of the singing, one of the spiritual directors requested “Muff the Tragic Wagon” to be sung. This is apparently a Boy Scout classic.. Having never been a Boy Scout, I can’t speak to the authenticity of that statement but it was just wrong to be singing a song with the word “muff” in it at a spiritual retreat. Wrong, I tell you!! I swear, I thought I would pee in my pants. We couldn’t even look at each other.. Anyhow, I returned home Sunday night, refreshed, renewed and filled with God’s love.. De Colores!
Many thanks to the folks who left me birthday greetings on my cell phone.. Yes, Gang, on Sunday I turned 29.. Again.. And, coincidentally enough, so did Dani.. Look for Team Single to be out on the town in full force this weekend as part of our belated birthday hootenanny cavalcade of fun..
Monday was my first day on the job at Cisco. It did not start off quite as well as I had hoped. As part of my retreat, I turned off my cell phone and handed over my car keys to symbolically surrender to walk in faith all weekend. The problem was my dad forgot to not so symbolically give them back to me so I could go to work on Monday morning. As I walked out the door, the second it closed behind me I knew.. I had locked myself out of the house.. Panic ensued. I
was supposed to be there in a half an hour and I was locked out on the front porch. Dammit. After a few frantic calls, my dad headed home to let me in.. On a whim I called Alex to see if he still had a key to my parent’s house. As I was launching into full scale panic he stopped me short with: “Uhh, Jenn, you do remember your mis-spent youth, right? Do you really need a key to open the door?”.. Hmmm… Good point.. I did hang out with some, umm, less than savory characters in high school (Big Brother, I sort of have to include you in there.. You were my juvenile delinquency role model, after all).. I was not a bad kid, never ran afoul of the law (well, never got caught), but I did have some stellar skills in the B&E department. I truly have a gift.. I can open most non-deadbolted doors with a credit card in under 2 minutes. And it’s a skill you never lose.. I was able to pop the lock in about a minute flat and was only about 10 minutes late getting to work. So far so good, there’s a lot of system maintenance going on right now so I am not getting access to the areas I need and frankly things are a bit slow in terms of training or having anything to do right now but, hey, I’m getting paid so I'm good..
Great weekend ahead.. We’re calling all Usual Suspects to the pub after work (Hallelujah!) on Friday to join me in joyous celebration of my return to gainful employment.. Dani, AJ, Kansas and I are already confirmed for the night, as is my newest Sister from Another Mister, Donna.. I’m hoping to convince Ken, aka “My Hero” to join us so I can buy him many, many, many drinks of gratitude.. Saturday is going to be Team Single’s strategic assault on Glenwood South. All 3 of us are off the bench and in the game so we’re thinking we could do some damage.. I’m thinking I’ll probably let AJ dress me (down, Kansas, down) and Dani claims to have a serious “Rock Star” outfit.. Oh yeah, the girls are back in town..
Flotsam and Jetsam..
Just a few random tidbits to occupy my time..
First, another little gem from Merritt.. This was the end quip from a very long email updating me on Mom's chemo (which is going well).. Typically, you don't get much humor in cancer emails but, true to her character, Merritt always looks on the smart ass side of things.. Even in the midst of her turmoil she manages to find the humor in life:
The adventure started early yesterday morning with a homeless guy crossing the street in front of me and then crumpling to the sidewalk. He insisted he was ok, but I called 911 anyhow. I wasn’t going to clasp him to my bosom, but I could aim help in the correct direction. Maybe this makes me a neutral Samaritan?She is the Queen of One Liners, I swear...
Had another Farewell Lunch today, this time at Vic's with
Special Agent Smart Ass.. When
The Rambling Redhead came up in conversation he said if I wrote about him he would never speak to me again, I'd be in big trouble, criminal charges, spankings, blah, blah, bliddy blah... Typically most people wouldn't want to piss off a man with government issue handcuffs but I like to flirt with disaster.. Interestingly enough, it tends to flirt back.. What can I say? I'm one of those people that the more you tell me not to do something, the more it appeals to me.. It's that spark of rebellious teenager in me that just won't grow up..
Overall it was typical of our lunches, a scathing battle of the wits with one liners and sharp retorts thrown back and forth (final score Jenn 53 - S.A. Smart Ass 16, at least by my tally).. By the way, "Sweetie", I found something that might have come in handy today..
The Gaydar Quiz (Thanks, Rich for this timely submission..).. I scored a 45% and am apparently much better at spotting gay women so I may have been wrong about that guy..
Tomorrow's round up is Big Ed's and then the Art Museum with my sister.. Mmmm, chicken and dumplings, biscuits, fresh veggies and sweet tea.. How is it possible to be hungry again?
Next week, Saturday night, Dani and I will be trying to organize dinner out on the town to celebrate our birthday.. If anyone is interested in joining us, let me know.. If you have access to this, you're invited..
Have a good one, Gang..
More Of The Funniest People I Know...
As my tenure of downtown lunches is coming to an end, I am cramming in the ITB version of The Last Supper (sans wine as it is during working hours, afterall).. Today's excursion was with my all time favorite lunch buddies Rene and Buck.. My apologies to the rest of you, but they are the only people I go to lunch with where having food shoot out your nose from sudden uncontrollable laughter is a very real threat.. Where else are you likely to hear such conversational gems "FrankenFinger" (not as perverted as it sounds, I swear) and "The Sultan of Booty"?? Typically Buck and I trade dating war stories while Rene thanks God he's married to The Fabulous Jen (pictured together below on their wedding day at the Pub..)
Today was no different..
First off, we have Buck, who says things that would probably get him barred from all of my family christenings, weddings and funerals.. He tells stories that typically would make me weep for the women he dates, but for some reason, "skirt chasing lothario" seems to work on him... I think my favorite little story was how he told one of his dates that she was looking at the "penetration side of the menu".. Or maybe it was his entrepreneurial idea of making T-Shirts that said "The bitch got steak and all I got was a lousy hand-job".. It's hard to get a real feel for the insane quality of Buck-isms, because it's just not the same unless you're hearing it while trying to eat a steaming hot plate of Bali Hai/Combination/plus Curry.. This makes a great segue to tales of our lunch venues..
Rene and I take turns picking the lunch venue.. I always pick Vic's, he picks Bali Hai.. For those of you not expereinced in the fine art of Bali Hai cuisine, let me give you a brief rundown.. it looks like a giant salad bar with bean sprouts, pineapple, onions, cabbage, carrots, celery and little frozen spirals of meat.. You cram as much food as you can into a bowl for $6 (2 bowls for $8) and then they cook it on this giant open skillet looking thing.. Think of it as the ghetto version of the Crazy Fire Mongolian Grill.. Rene can get approximately 937 lbs of food into 2 bowls.. He is the Zen Master of Bali Hai.. His meat pyramid is not to be believed and that is also not as perverted as it sounds.. Once you get through the food line, you pick spicy, sweet or combination, the level of hotness (1-10) and if you want curry.. All 3 of us are Combination w/ Curry.. In levels of hottness, I'm a 5 (don't go there, we're talking about food..), Buck is a 6 and Rene is a 7.. All dishes of a 6 or more get cayenne pepper added to them.. So today, as Rene is going to get a refill for his drink we watch as the cook begins to add the cayenne pepper to his food.. Alot of cayenne pepper.. As in you can't see the food underneath anymore... Buck and I looked at each other and back at his food which now looked like it had been accosted by fire ants.. I glanced down at Rene's ticket.. Oops.. That "7" looked alot like a "9".. Needless to say, by the end of lunch, he was a suffering sweaty wreck, but being the little trooper he is, he made a "Happy Plate", as Xander would say and we gave him a round of applause.. Poor Rene's big ol' bald head looked like it had been sprayed down with a water bottle.. Which makes an excellent segue into the hair discussion..
This is going to have to fall under the heading of
"The Greatest Love Story Ever"..
As we're in line getting our food, apropos of nothing at all, Rene cheerily informs us that he is having all the hair on his body lasered off.. This caused me to pause mid-pineapple for clarification.. I wasn't the only one.. the lady behind him almost dropped her shredded cabbage.. He proceeds to tell us that he is having all body hair except the hair on his armpits, his head and assorted nether-regions removed.. Now, I know he's a dedicated athlete, running triathalons, marathons, all the various K's (5K's, 3K's, Circle K, Special K, Mary Kay) and all other manner of sweaty type exercise torture I associate with hell and prison camps.. But given what I know about laser hair removal (which is mainly:
OUCH!! OWOWOWOW!!), I asked what in the hell was he thinking?? To which he replied it was a real pain in the ass to shave his whole body (I can relate.. Legs are enough of a pain to do) but mainly it chaffed and irritated Jen's delicate skin so he was just going to have it all removed..
Oh. My. God.
Call me nuts but that has to be the craziest, most bizzarre, twisted and completely sweet and romantic thing I think I've ever heard.. Suddenly all those times I bitched about getting a bikini wax seems so pale and insignificant.. I hope one day I can meet a man who is willing to have hot lasers burn through his flesh and remove his body hair to make me more comfortable and prevent coital body chaffing and abrasions.. That my friends, is true damn love if I ever heard it.. Jen and Rene give me hope in Happily Ever After.. I mean, come on, if there is one man out there willing to have all his body hair electrically singed off his body for the Great Love of His Life, then surely there is hope for the ladies that there are still men out there at least willing to show up with flowers..
Hell, maybe I am setting my standards too low with "no felony convictions, all original teeth and own transportation".. Ya think??
Weekend Wrap-Up - August 1
Lovely weekend.. A great mix of down time and friend time.. Friday night was Buffilicious.. Merritt and I had a great night watching our favorite Buffy eppys.. Kansas joined us for dinner and 3/4ths of an episode before he announced he just couldn't take it anymore.. Wimp.. Of course in his defense, I guess we shouldn't have started him off on The Musical episode.. That's one you should work up to.. Of course the fact that we were able to sing (and dance) along with the songs probably did little to ease his discomfort.. 3 episodes later we called it a night.. Shortly after she left, our Neighbor Guy popped over to hang out and have a few beers.. Another impromptu gathering at the Home for Wayward Vixens ensued.. All in all, a pretty good night..
Saturday was spent being pretty lazy, hanging out watching more Buffy (it was a big ol' Vampapalooza kind of weekend) til around 8:00.. Then AJ and I finally got off our lazy tushes and got hottied up for our night downtown.. We met up with Kansas and Marco and did a quick round at the pub and then headed down to RiRa's to check out Soul Patch.. That lasted about 20 minutes before we all realized we were totally bored, going deaf and that we'd all be much happier if we called it a night and went home.. It was just one of those nights where nothing "clicked" and no one was really into it.. Or maybe it was that Dani was MIA and out on a date..
It's sort of sad to see things change, you know? A month or so ago, the 3 of us were all single and deep into girl-time mode.. Now AJ has Not My Paul and Dani is spending ever increasing time with a Potential Good Guy.. *sigh*.. Sometimes it seems like we're constantly playing muscial chairs and I'm destined to be the last one standing.. Not to complain about my lot in life but it's not easy being a single mom.. Make no mistake, I love my kids and love being a mom, it is the biggest source of joy in my life, but it has been a major disappointment to see how often men shy away from me when they hear I have kids.. I really, really get tired of seeing that look of panic and hard core "fight or flight" instinct rising to the surface when I mention my boys.. They all want tidy little uncomplicated packages, wrapped neatly with a nice shiny bow.. Funny thing is, life's not like that.. On the plus side, that reaction tends to weed out those of lesser character.. If a man hasn't got the stomach to date someone because they have kids, odds are when the going gets tough, the not so tough guy will run away..
But I digress..
Sunday was church and more couch and Buffy time and then dinner and a couple of Simpson's episodes with Xander and Alex.. And then back to the Home for Sweltering Stinky Wayward Vixens.. Yep, our AC went out on Sunday.. Made for a very sweaty day of not doing much around the house..This week will be big on the Mommy time and I'm doing my last round of downtown lunches and getting ready for the weekend.. I'll be out of town Thursday night through Sunday night on
The Walk to Emmaus, an intense spiritual retreat.. It's 4 days of prayer, meditation and very focused bible study.. The downside is I am not allowed have my cell phone or have access to my email the entire time I am there so I will be completely incommunicado from Thursday around 6pm until Sunday night.. No calls, no texting, nothing.. Yikes.. It's pretty likely that I will be going insane by the end of it all..
The other downside is it means that Dani and won't be celebrating our birthday until at least next week.. Yes, Gang, we will be celebrating our 29th birthday (again) this Sunday, August 7th.. I think we'll probably try to get folks together next weekend for a dinner out to celebrate.. If anyone is interested, let me know..
Have a good one, Gang..
