The Rambling RedHead

More Of The Funniest People I Know...

As my tenure of downtown lunches is coming to an end, I am cramming in the ITB version of The Last Supper (sans wine as it is during working hours, afterall).. Today's excursion was with my all time favorite lunch buddies Rene and Buck.. My apologies to the rest of you, but they are the only people I go to lunch with where having food shoot out your nose from sudden uncontrollable laughter is a very real threat.. Where else are you likely to hear such conversational gems "FrankenFinger" (not as perverted as it sounds, I swear) and "The Sultan of Booty"?? Typically Buck and I trade dating war stories while Rene thanks God he's married to The Fabulous Jen (pictured together below on their wedding day at the Pub..)

Today was no different..

First off, we have Buck, who says things that would probably get him barred from all of my family christenings, weddings and funerals.. He tells stories that typically would make me weep for the women he dates, but for some reason, "skirt chasing lothario" seems to work on him... I think my favorite little story was how he told one of his dates that she was looking at the "penetration side of the menu".. Or maybe it was his entrepreneurial idea of making T-Shirts that said "The bitch got steak and all I got was a lousy hand-job".. It's hard to get a real feel for the insane quality of Buck-isms, because it's just not the same unless you're hearing it while trying to eat a steaming hot plate of Bali Hai/Combination/plus Curry.. This makes a great segue to tales of our lunch venues..

Rene and I take turns picking the lunch venue.. I always pick Vic's, he picks Bali Hai.. For those of you not expereinced in the fine art of Bali Hai cuisine, let me give you a brief rundown.. it looks like a giant salad bar with bean sprouts, pineapple, onions, cabbage, carrots, celery and little frozen spirals of meat.. You cram as much food as you can into a bowl for $6 (2 bowls for $8) and then they cook it on this giant open skillet looking thing.. Think of it as the ghetto version of the Crazy Fire Mongolian Grill.. Rene can get approximately 937 lbs of food into 2 bowls.. He is the Zen Master of Bali Hai.. His meat pyramid is not to be believed and that is also not as perverted as it sounds.. Once you get through the food line, you pick spicy, sweet or combination, the level of hotness (1-10) and if you want curry.. All 3 of us are Combination w/ Curry.. In levels of hottness, I'm a 5 (don't go there, we're talking about food..), Buck is a 6 and Rene is a 7.. All dishes of a 6 or more get cayenne pepper added to them.. So today, as Rene is going to get a refill for his drink we watch as the cook begins to add the cayenne pepper to his food.. Alot of cayenne pepper.. As in you can't see the food underneath anymore... Buck and I looked at each other and back at his food which now looked like it had been accosted by fire ants.. I glanced down at Rene's ticket.. Oops.. That "7" looked alot like a "9".. Needless to say, by the end of lunch, he was a suffering sweaty wreck, but being the little trooper he is, he made a "Happy Plate", as Xander would say and we gave him a round of applause.. Poor Rene's big ol' bald head looked like it had been sprayed down with a water bottle.. Which makes an excellent segue into the hair discussion..

This is going to have to fall under the heading of "The Greatest Love Story Ever"..

As we're in line getting our food, apropos of nothing at all, Rene cheerily informs us that he is having all the hair on his body lasered off.. This caused me to pause mid-pineapple for clarification.. I wasn't the only one.. the lady behind him almost dropped her shredded cabbage.. He proceeds to tell us that he is having all body hair except the hair on his armpits, his head and assorted nether-regions removed.. Now, I know he's a dedicated athlete, running triathalons, marathons, all the various K's (5K's, 3K's, Circle K, Special K, Mary Kay) and all other manner of sweaty type exercise torture I associate with hell and prison camps.. But given what I know about laser hair removal (which is mainly: OUCH!! OWOWOWOW!!), I asked what in the hell was he thinking?? To which he replied it was a real pain in the ass to shave his whole body (I can relate.. Legs are enough of a pain to do) but mainly it chaffed and irritated Jen's delicate skin so he was just going to have it all removed..

Oh. My. God.

Call me nuts but that has to be the craziest, most bizzarre, twisted and completely sweet and romantic thing I think I've ever heard.. Suddenly all those times I bitched about getting a bikini wax seems so pale and insignificant.. I hope one day I can meet a man who is willing to have hot lasers burn through his flesh and remove his body hair to make me more comfortable and prevent coital body chaffing and abrasions.. That my friends, is true damn love if I ever heard it.. Jen and Rene give me hope in Happily Ever After.. I mean, come on, if there is one man out there willing to have all his body hair electrically singed off his body for the Great Love of His Life, then surely there is hope for the ladies that there are still men out there at least willing to show up with flowers..

Hell, maybe I am setting my standards too low with "no felony convictions, all original teeth and own transportation".. Ya think??

posted by Monet @ 4:11 PM