The Rambling RedHead

Adventures in Parenting or Shit You Didn't Expect When You Were Expecting..

The simple truth is, no matter how much you babysat, how many siblings you had, how many years you spent as a camp counselor, how many sports you coached, kids you mentored, you just aren't prepared for some of the situations that arise when parenting.. Here's a fun example of the unique challenges that being a single mother to little boys can bring..

So this morning, I'm running around trying to get the boys ready for school/camp and was in my room getting dressed.. I then headed to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth when I encountered my 10 year old coming out with his hands suspiciously held behind his back.. The conversation went something like this:

"OK, slick, whacha' got behind your back?"

"Nothing, Mommy.."

"Uh huh.. There's an easy way and a hard way for us to resolve this.. The hard way involves no TV, no Gameboy and possibly being sold into bondage at the Kathy Lee Gifford Sportswear factory in Guatamala.. What's it going to be??"

"OK, I'll put it back... but I don't want you to see.."

Take a moment here to be afraid, as I was..

"Yeah, that's not going to work for me.. Hands in front.. NOW!!"

At this time, my son hands over my large makeup brush and a container of face powder.. Fuck.. There is no chapter in Dr. Spock that covers this particular situation.. Being a person who relies on humor and directness in all aspects of my life, including motherhood, I decide to take the straightforward approach..

"Look, sweetie, the fact is, even if you were a girl, 10 years old is too young to start wearing make-up... And you're not a girl.. You're a boy.. Being a boy means you just have to live with having a shiny T-Zone and that you will evenutally have hair on your back and other places that I don't want to discuss yet.. You are a little boy and until you are old enough to understand the full ramifications of what you're doing, you are to stay out of my make-up.. If you have any questions, or are confused about stuff, we can get you a book.. But let's just stay out of Mommy's make-up.. Are we clear on this??"

"Eeewww.. MOMMY!! What's wrong with you?? I don't want to wear make-up.. I'm not a GIRL!! "

Uhhh.. Well, this is a stumper..

"OK, now Mommy is really confused? So what are you doing with my powder and make-up brush?? OK, OK, you are also not allowed to put make-up on your little brother.. if 10 is too young, 4 is definitely too young unless he's entering some kind of pagent.. which is twisted for a whole lot of other reasons that Mommy is not prepared to discuss either.. Back to the original subjec, what ARE you doing with my make-up??"

"I just wanted to see if I could check for fingerprints like they do on CSI.. "

Oops.. Way to go, Jenn.. That's one small step for Maybellene, one giant crash and burn for Motherhood.. I essentially accuse my 10 year old son, who is interested in a career in forensics, of being a transvestite.. There goes my nomination for Mother of the Year..

I apologized profusely, praised his interest in such a challenging career and pointed out how great he was in Science and that he would probably make a fantastic CSI.. This is commonly known as "backpeddling".. In addition, to try to compensate for my grossly inaccurate conclusion, until I can order his Fingerprint Kit, I agreed to go out today and buy him his very own set of make-up brushes, some dark-toned face powder, scotch-tape and index cards so he can practice pulling prints from Nana and Papa's house.. I also said that in the future, if he wanted to borrow any of my things, be it make-up, books, DVD's or clothing, he was to ask my permission first.. That I was not mad he was trying to learn something new, but that he was trying to use my $30 Bare Essentials Mineral Veil make-up and not the cheap $4.99 Cover Girl shit.. I think he got my point..

This boy stuff is tricky.. I am so not looking forward to the birds and the bees discussion.. Actually, I think kids should learn about sex from their parents first and foremost. Of course if I follow my parent's example, this would involve owning a badly hidden copy of The Joy of Sex and a couple of really cheesy pornos..

But that's a whole other topic right there..

posted by Monet @ 11:07 AM