The Funniest People I Know..
As I was cleaning out my email, I happened upon some exchanges that I had with 2 of the funniest people I know.. Hope you enjoy them..This one is from Merritt, funniest chick on the planet.. This is pretty typical of the comments she has..
In my commitment to my new, improved, healthy in-tune-with-the-universe resolution, I had a breakfast of wheat cereal, fresh blueberries, and milk. Not soy milk...small steps and all…I’ll get there. Now, all I want to do is deep-fry an endangered baby animal and eat it with chocolate syrup.
I was going to go to yoga, but I had a killer headache after the class, putting me in a non-zen mode. I went to bead class instead.
Teacher: Breathe into it.
Me: Die, bitch.
In your last note you mentioned a "pre-screen" for dating. I, being very much the socially retarded, insomniac with considerable HR experience have developed and long used the list below to weed out potential psychos.
1. Were you once a man?
2. Have you ever been arrested?
3. Are you currently in the witness protection program? If so, have you seen my Uncle Vito (bastard still owes me a five spot)
4. Are you on any special medication?
5. Are you married?
6. Do you have any baggage (e.g. kids, an crazy ex-husband, live-at-home granny with the whooping cough)?
7. Are you in massive amounts of debt and currently pursued by a loan shark?
8. Are you a lesbian and just “testing” yourself to make sure?
9. Do you have any obscure or dangerous diseases?
10. Do you use/smuggle/sell drugs of any kind?
11. Have you ever done anything that could get you kick out of Mexico?
This list has served me well over the years. Sadly, women who have trampled in and out of my life (mostly out) have, on at least one occasion, failed to provide the correct answer to these questions, separately and collectively. Thanks to the utter perversion and insanity of the opposite sex, each debacle of a conversation with which I find myself entangled, leads to another question.... and, dear God, another answer. That, and I have worse taste in women then Jerry lee Lewis... present company excluded of course.
Fine Print: All Items within said list can be overlooked (except for #1) if you are in a different area code, have consumed more than 5 alcoholic beverages, or are just really really horny.
My reply..
Wow.. I fail spectacularly on at least 5, maybe 6 of them.. depending on if you combine numbers 3 and 11.. And Uncle Vito said you were full of shit, you owe HIM.. something about quick drying body latex, a baby pool filled with motor oil, a pygmy goat and a spanking gone awry.. I didn't ask for more details..
The problem with the questionnaire is that most of us were ingrained at an early age to lie and provide the desired answers, not necessarily the honest answers, on all forms of psych evaluations.. If not, many, many more people would be behind bars or in little padded rooms.. Myself included...
posted by Monet @ 10:12 PM
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