The Rambling RedHead

What A Girl Wants..

I've started New Year's with a clean slate and a new attitude..

New job, new house under contract, no current legal matters, a clean bill of health and, as of this weekend, a clean dating slate.. Yes, sadly, my Tropical Depression sort of meandered out to sea, so to speak.. Kind of like Hurricane Frederick.. All hype and no forward momentum.. We were both just in very different places in our lives and wanted different things.. After the last few years of my life, I decided the last thing I needed was a relationship that left me feeling insecure and unsure of where I stood.. It was actually a nice clean break, we shook hands, agreed to stay friends and parted ways.. I actually think we meant it too.. If only they could all be like that..

I admit a huge a part of the problem is my inability to articulate exactly what I am looking for out of life, love and relationships for fear of being thought weak or too "chick-like".. As modern women, we are so ingrained to not admit we have needs for fear of being seen as "needy" that we over compensate by being these hyper independent women that refuse to admit we even have a need for love.. That it's seen as weak to admit we want to be able to lean on someone.. Having had to have been so strong for so much of my life, especially after the last few years, I'm not afraid to admit, it would be wonderful to be with someone I could truly need and know that they were there for me, that I could allow myself to rely on and have faith in someone again.. I don't ever want to be laying next to someone in bed and still find myself feeling lonely.. Over the last few months, with all the turmoil and in particular when I had grave concerns about my health and longevity, I did alot of soul searching.. What did I want out of my current relationship? For that matter, what do I want out of any relationship? What do I want out of life, especially once I felt as if God had given me a second chance at it?

Funny how God can put a message right in front of you sometimes.. The other day as I was driving down I-40, thinking about where things were going with The Guy and trying to figure out how I really felt, I ended up asking for a little guidance from above and lo and behold, a song came on the radio.. I had to laugh out loud because sometimes, when you ask for a sign, God smacks you right upside the head with one.. As I sang along at the top of my lungs, I realized I know exactly what I want.. In the inimitable words of the great, inspiring and amazing Melissa Etheridge:

I Want to be in Love..

I have climbed the highest mountain, I have sailed across the sea
I have wrestled with my demons, and woke up with only me
I have been around the block, three times maybe four
And I think I deserve just a little more..

Refrain:
In front of total strangers won't you kiss me?
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
I want to be in love
You're standing on the doorstep in the rain
Cause you couldn't wait to see me once again
I want to be in love

I have made some big mistakes and I've paid a heavy price
I found a little peace between will and sacrifice
I have watched as all my dreams went walking out the door
And I think I deserve just a little more

(Refrain)

I'm looking for a heart of gold
I'm looking for a hand to hold
A happy ending, strong and kind
Somewhere to rest my troubled mind

(Refrain)

On Tuesday light the candles and bring me wine
Wednesday morning I won't get to work on time
I want to be in love
Surprise me as I'm stepping off the plane
Take my hand as they play our song again
I want to be in love

Melissa Etheridge

Is that too much to ask? For me, it makes things a bit easier.. I now know exactly what I want.. I'll admit, it could shallow out my dating pool to a bit of a dating puddle, but I think it's worth taking the chance on.. that having what I want and deserve in my life is worth the the gamble.. I know it's the kind of thing that takes time and cannot happen on demand, but at least now I am willing to admit that I actually have needs..

That's a first for me..

posted by Monet @ 11:12 PM