The Rambling RedHead

What I've Learned About Men..

So my last real relationship ended about 8 months ago. I have officially hit the longest truly single period I have been through in the last 16 years. Seriously, since the end of my freshman year in college I have not been without a serious boyfriend/fiancee/husband for longer than 6 months. I'm currently sort of seeing someone but it's pretty new and as of yet still fairly undefined. You know, kind of like a Tropical Depression brewing up down in the islands.. You're just not sure which way it's gonna go and all you can do is just sit back and see what develops and how strong it gets..

My beloved roomie AJ is constantly trying to teach me to be a Rules Girl, God belss her.. To not ever initiate contact with a guy, never phone or text first, never suggest getting together, make the guy chase me, act like I don't like him as much as he likes me (the "push-pull") and all sort of other dating guidelines that to me just feels less than natural. Granted, I know it is sound advice, most women follow it, most guys will tell you that's what they want, blah, blah, blah, but the simple fact is, I'm not like most women.. Maybe I'm jaded from too many bad dates or having morally questionable men friends.. Maybe it's being an innocent bystander for several years of dating disasters my girlfriends have had and my own marital history (which, granted, was not a rousing success). Despite AJ's attempts to make me a Rules Girl, I remain, well, just me.

What follows is a summation of the advice, tidbits and sometimes not-so-common sense about men, I have received over the 30+ odd years I’ve been alive that forms the foundation of my dealings with men. Most of this is observation, experiences shared by The Vixens, The male Usual Suspects, personal trial and error and way too many "late nights" at the pub as "one of the guys"... This is the premise with which I set out to traverse the not always smooth dating terrain.

• Men like blowjobs. Lots of blowjobs.
  
• If he doesn’t call after 48 hours from your first date or 24 hours from your first naked encounter, he’s an asshole or just not interested. They know it. We know it. Any man that believes that “wait for 3 days” Swinger’s bullshit is a moron.
  
• "I've been busy" really does translate into "Just not that into you"..
• When it comes to sexual prowess, men under 30 typically provide quantity. Over 30, quality. Younger guys usually can get there more often, older guys actually care that you get there as well. Know what you prefer.
• Most men like beer and they like women who like beer. Specifically, most men like a woman who likes beer and doesn’t make an ass of herself in public when she drinks. Ideally men want a woman who likes to drink beer naked while quietly watching football with them. Men can be deeply stupid.
  
• Ultimately, men tend to like relationships because it means they can quit shelling out money for restaurants, they no longer have to wear outfits that match and there is some form of regular sex involved.
  
• Blowjobs are the secret to a lasting romantic relationship. There is a specific, direct correlation between the amount of blowjobs performed and the amount of romantic gestures performed. Simple math: More blowjobs = More flowers/jewelry/dinners out. If you are providing frequent, quality blowjobs at the beginning of the relationship and there are no romantic gestures, there never will be. That’s just who he is.
• It’s more important to date someone because of who he is not what he does. Be aware that in the end, money does not buy you happiness and love, even if it buys you a 3 carat diamond ring. There are homeless vagrants that have more character and heart than half the yuppie dickheads sucking back Vodka Tonics that bank the 6 figure salary. Title and bank accounts do not go hand in hand with character and integrity.
  
• In this day and age it is not unheard of for a woman to make more than a man she's dating. However, if the man consistently allows you to pay because you make more than he does, he’s going to resent you eventually. Or else you’re the sugar-momma he’s been waiting for. Men under 24 don’t care what you make, as long as there is sex involved. Most consider it a bonus if you pay for everything and they get laid.
  
• If he hasn’t had a girlfriend in a very long time check for the little warning signs he’s a serial killer, closet homosexual or a “workaholic, alcoholic, commitment-phobic fuckwit”. This is not always the case, just be on the look out for things like dead bodies, eccentric weaponry, gay porn, internet addictions and/or a substance abuse problem.
  
• When he says “It’s not you” he means it. It’s not you he wants to date, it’s someone else. Deal with it, leave and don’t make a scene.
  
• Men hate buying flowers and jewelry. Period. That doesn't let them off the hook, just be aware they hate it.
  
• He does not care that your $130 designer footwear matches your outfit perfectly. Actually, he doesn’t care about your shoes at all. Do not be insulted that he doesn’t react with great excitement at your fabulous taste in footwear. In fact, if he does react with great excitement, be afraid. He’s probably gay.
  
• Men generally love stockings and sexy lingerie. Wear them at least once a week. It’s also not playing fair to wear sexy as hell push up bras, miniscule panties and lace top thigh highs the first 6 months you date and then switch to support bras and underpants that give him Grandma flashbacks. That’s called the “bait and switch”.
  
• Men are not mind readers. Most men’s behavior is redundant programming from their last relationship. Yes, just because ‘Becky’ liked it doesn’t mean you do, but how the hell is he supposed to know that if you don’t tell him?
  
• Men don’t like “relationship talk”. Ever. What most men want out of a relationship is to enjoy it, not to talk about it (well, that and lots of blowjobs). When you feel a need to give him tips on your likes and dislikes or you have reached a critical conversation point in the relationship, make it clear, simple and straight to the point. If you tell him point blank what you want and still don't get it, he's probably not the guy for you. Shut up or move on.
  
• Finally, keep in mind, men are people, too. While we sometimes forget it, they do have the same kind of feelings, insecurities and emotional needs that we do. In many ways they have it much harder than us. If we’re uncertain about something, we have girlfriends that we talk to ad nauseum about the details of our relationships and feelings. It is not unheard of for The Vixens to convene over cocktails to spend 3 hours discussing the nature of a single phone call or email. Men just don’t do that with each other, ever. It doesn’t stop them from having the same needs women do; love, companionship, laughter, passion, comfort, trust and respect.
  
• And, of course, lots of blowjobs.
  

Next up.. My Fuckin' Rules.. The "I'm Too Old For This Shit" Guide to Dating Like A Redhead.. Or The Guide To Dating A Redhead..

posted by Monet @ 12:37 AM