Escort Services, Spankings and the Bald Man Factor
It was a bad week for Love..
Escorts and Spankings and Websites, Oh MY!!
Last week as I was leaving my church membership class I checked my phone and noticed I had missed several phone calls from AJ.. Her message said that she need me to come by the house to provide some relationship perspective as only I can.. Presumably, this means someone needs the sense smacked back into them.. I called to check out the sitch.. It was bad.. Our friend Lori had been online earlier and did a Google search and noticed in the search history that there was a search for "Escorts, Raleigh".. and "Dominatrix, Raleigh".. and "Bondage, Dominatrix and DesMoines" and "Escort Services, DesMoines".. Did I mention Lori's boyfriend was on a business trip to DesMoines? As soon as she found all of this incriminating information she did the sensible thing and headed to the Home for Wayward Vixens for solace, comfort and as much cheap red wine as we could pour down her throat.. .
We spend about 20 minutes trying to recreate the search that he did to see exactly what he might be doing in DesMoines and/or Raleigh.. Sadly, we were not able to ascertain anything except that if you like a good spanking and would prefer it be administered by a professional,
Me: "So you need to come over to the house because we're looking at some website that has local people looking for sex by posting pictures of their genitalia in an effort to try to spot AJ's friend Lori's boyfriend's pecker b/c she caught him looking up escort services online tonight and it's just another Tuesday night in Raleigh.."
Dani: “I’ll be right over”.
We proceeded to do a search in an effort to determine if her boyfriend was a member or rather, if his member was a member.. Lori was sure she could spot him in a second.. After all, how many white, 27 year old males in the zip code of 27615 could be looking for casual sex? A freakin’ boat load of ‘em.. 234 to be exact.. As Dani so aptly put it “That’s a lot of dick”.. After 20 minutes and about 56 peckers, I pointed out that, it wasn’t likely that we would spot him.. That it would be hard to pick out his pecker given there were a lot of peckers to pick from.. He didn’t have any distinguishing marks or characteristics and was of average size (according to her).. There were 234 of them and to be honest, with the exception of the extremely small and the extremely large, all peckers look alike after about 12 or 13 of ‘em.. (How’s that for a great quote??) .. We slogged our way through about another 30 or 40 peckers and finally called it quits.. Lori would probably never know if her boyfriend was hiring hookers, posting for casual sex or wanted a professional spanking.. She was going to have to make some tough decisions, the kind of gut wrenching choices that no one wants to make.. As I walked out the door, I tried to come up with something to say to ease her troubled mind, something that would maybe bring a ray of hope or even just a sense of peace.. I said “You know, I’ve seen more dick in the last 45 minutes than I’ve seen in my entire life.. But hey, at least I went to church tonight.. You guys are going to hell..”..
Bald Men and the High School Flashback..
A few weeks ago I was out on a Saturday night, as I am occasionally.. I met what I thought was a very nice, highly adorable guy.. Totally my type: a bald, beer drinking smartass.. What can I say?? I have an addiction to the follicley challenged.. He was a little on the younger side (29) but in nursing school, a mature and socially responsible career choice that was quite endearing, he was athletic, worked 2 jobs, owned his own house, transportation and furniture.. As we were in the middle of a very loud establishment, we made brief conversation and exchanged numbers.. I declined his offer of a Yeager Bomb and went about my merry way.. The next weekend he invited me to his house for a party he was having.. I went, met some very nice people and watched him and his friends commence to getting completely hammered.. I wasn’t drinking that night b/c I had to be up early for church (hangovers and a big ol’ honkin’ chalice of communion wine do not go well together) so I was stone cold sober.. I noticed that his group drank a lot.. Even by The Usual Suspects and Irish pub standards, so that’s saying something.. During the consumption of several beers in about 2 hours he must have had 8 or 9 shots of Yeager.. Ouch.. This made me a little apprehensive as, after the end of my last long term relationship, I have come down firmly on the “con” side of getting involved with individuals with substance abuse issues.. It’s just too much work.. But hey, it was Saturday night, no harm, no foul.. Around
Fast forward to last weekend.. We’ve had another hang out or two which again included him and his friends drinking to the point of excess and actually to the point that one threw up on the back deck of RiRa’s.. Tequila’s a dangerous beast.. I actually wanted to tell them that the fraternity called and wanted their persona back.. We finally decided to take it easy one night, stay in and watch a movie.. I was dog sitting for my folks so he came over to keep me company.. He arrived bearing a 6 pack of beer and The Ring 2.. It suddenly felt like high school.. my parents away for the night, me having a boy over to drink beer and watch a movie.. Except he drank all the beer himself and proceeded to develop 6 extra hands.. Wait, it was *exactly* like high school.. I haven’t had to pin my arms to my sides in an attempt to ward off roaming hands in at least 13 years.. And generally, I find that when I want to watch a movie, its usually easier to do without someone attached to my face.. I finally sat up and turned my back to him to communicate, politely, that I was going to watch the movie.. He then decides it would be fun to tickle me.. For the record, I hate to be tickled.. Let me reiterate that point: I absolutely fucking hate to be tickled.. It’s not cute, it’s not fun, it’s passive aggressive and could possibly get you beaten to death with your own leg.. I once had a guy keep ticking me after I asked him several times to stop.. He laughed and said “Too bad.. I like to tickle..”.. I proceeded to grab his scrotum and twist it approximately 270 degrees counter-clockwise.. when he jumped up cussing and freaking out about the pain in his balls, I laughed and said “Too bad, I like to twist the twins..”. He never tickled me again.. Of course, he never asked me out again either but I suspect that relationship had probably run it’s course anyways..
But I digress..
After I threatened to separate him from an appendage (I was using medical speak in an attempt to communicate clearly to him on his level) he finally settled down and offered to give me a back rub.. After a minute or so, he convinces me to take my t-shirt off.. I’m not terribly comfortable with this, but I am wearing a bra and it is just a back rub.. Unless you’re 15 and then it’s an excuse to try to cop a feel.. And seeing as this guy has all the game of a high school freshman, you guessed it, he unhooks my bra and goes for the boob grab.. I tell him to cut it out, that if he wants to give me a back rub, go for it, but hands off “the girls”.. About 3 minutes later, swear to God, he proceeds to pour beer on my back.. I shit you not.. Just like in high school where you try to get a girl to jump up so you can get a glimpse of her tits, which is exactly what happened.. At this point, I’ve had enough.. I have beer on my back, in my hair, on my jeans and down the crack of my ass.. It’s at this point I head upstairs to change and tell him to clean the beer off the couch.. “What for?” he asked.. To which I replied “Because if the couch smells like beer when my parents get back, my Mom won’t let me have any more parties..”.. I hustled his ass out the door about 4 minutes later before we can get to the high school date-rape portion of the show.. I can handle immature and I don’t mind someone who enjoys a frost adult beverage or seven but this literally was a flash back to a cross between almost all of my high-school dates and the semester I was in Xi Delta Phi and dated the Derek the Drunkard from Chi Phi.. Huh, how about that? It just occurred to me that Derek was bald too.. After some analysis, the Vixens were kind enough to point out that almost all of the bald guys I dated, well, it didn’t really work out so well…That maybe I should start looking beyond the silky smoothness of a guy’s scalp… All they were saying, was give hair a chance..
posted by Monet @ 8:23 PM
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