The Rambling RedHead

SPF ??? The Numbers Game

And then he asked the infamous question "What's your number?".. Yeah, right, like anyone ever answers that question with any degree of honesty past the age of 18.. Actually, we lie no matter what age we are at.. There may be a perfect month when we're, say 23, when we've only had maybe 2 serious boyfriends, 2 sort of boyfriends, that one night stand at the Chi Phi Purple Jesus mixer and the sum total of our sexual partners is enough to give us age appropriate bedroom credibility but not so high as to cause jaws to drop.. Then the next week the serious boyfriend cheats on you, you flunk chem class and your grandmother dies, your self-esteem and sense of security takes a nose dive and you somehow manage to triple your number inside of a month as you reel from the emotional trauma of it all while desperately grasping at any port in the storm.. Ummm, that happened to a friend of mine.. No, really, a “friend”.. I guarantee you at least half the women who read this will identify with that phenomenon.. After that, there's no going back and you just never tell the truth again.. So what's my number? I'll tell you what I tell everyone.. That's between me and my God..

The topic of “your number” is common.. For some reason it typically comes up around months 3 to 6 in a dating relationship.. And amazingly, some people actually tell the truth.. One beloved friend of mine had been dating a guy for about 4 months and they were deep into the bedroom phase of their relationship and were even tiptoeing around the concept of a future together.. Then, one night, they had the “number’s talk”.. He disclosed his and then asked about hers.. In a moment of hopeless stupidity, she was utterly honest and told the truth.. He was horrified.. The bad part was, it wasn’t high, it was just higher than he had assumed it would be.. They ended things shortly thereafter b/c he couldn’t get past her past.. The glorious hypocrisy was that the only reason she felt comfortable enough to tell him her number was his was almost 3 times as high as hers.. Beautiful..

One night as myself and my beloved, non-judgmental “friends of my bosom” were sitting around chatting, we discussed out numbers (no disclosure, just discussion).. Big Brother, a legend in high school, brought forth an interesting fact.. According to one Kinsey study, the average adult has an average of 3 sexual partners for every year of their sexually active lives.. We did the math.. I’m 34. I lost my virginity at 18.. That means, according to Kinsey, I should have had 44 partners.. My response? “Really? I got tons of room to spare.. Hell yeah!..”.. That statistic was quite comforting as it did lend a certain amount of validation to whatever squeamishness I had about my number.. Big Brother in comparison figured out that he would have to be celibate for the next 17 years to catch up with where he should be.. Ouch..

As the conversation progressed, Dani chimed in that she had decided not to count a guy she had dated a month ago on her list.. We asked why? They had sex, right? It should count.. She claimed the “5 Second Rule of Sexual Tabulation”.. If the sex didn’t last 5 seconds, she didn’t think it counted.. After very little debate, we took a vote and unanimously agreed that this was a valid loophole..

After another 15 to 20 minutes of cocktail infused discussion, she further decided that the most recent gentleman she had been dating should also be excluded from her list.. We opened the floor up for the debate and asked for her to defend that statement. She said “Well, there were a number of drinks involved and it was really pretty awful.. I don’t think I should have to count it if I can hardy remember it or if it was bad..”.. I had to take the con side on this and replied “You know, sweetie, I’m all for loopholes that can make us feel better about the unfortunate choices we have made but I’m going to have to go with you are taking way too many liberties with the exclusion loophole.. If we discount every partner that the sex was bad or a where few too many cocktails led to a bad judgment call, well, wait a minute.. Actually, that’s not too bad an idea.. My number just dropped to somewhere around 4, I think.. I can totally wipe the slate clean of my first husband who was abysmal in bed and at least 2 long term relationships.”.. At this point, Dani pointed out that I had a child with my first husband which led to the “child inclusionary clause”.. They voted that I had to count him, no matter how bad it was due to procreation… Oh, alright.. I’ll count him.. But I won’t like it.. We eventually decided that you had to count the person, regardless of level of inebriation or poor performance, which was too bad because, just imagine the number of slates we could have wiped clean with that ruling.. Next week we’re going to take on foreign policy and the energy crisis..

So, anyways, back to the original story.. As I was under pressure to provide a number, I grabbed one out of thin air that was actually on the low side of life and to my utter amazement he was still shocked.. It was like that scene from the movie Clerks... When I was leaving, I half expected him to yell "Try not to sleep with anyone on your way to the parking lot..".. We then got into it arguing about how men are viewed as studs and women are viewed as sluts and how some men still are unnerved by a sexually confident woman who enjoys and seeks out sexual gratification.. I felt compelled to throw out a number to the point of being ridiculous just to jerk him around: "Ok, just say it's somewhere in the triple digits, like, say for example 168".. This even further appalled him, but amazingly, at the end of the evening, he STILL TRIED TO TAKE ME HOME.. I'm guessing his assumption was if I was at 168, what the hell, what did it matter if he was 169??

Now, without revealing my number, I will say that I am obviously not a virgin but I do have a strong penchant for serial monogamy and relationships.. However, being 34 years old and single during an age where sex by the 5th date is generally the norm, hell, that's probably a conservative estimate, unless Prince Charming gets his shit together and shows up soon, I'm assuming my number will be forced to go up.. Kind of like the express elevator at the Chrysler Building..

Another theory, popularized by the movie Love Stinks was the “3 Meal Minimum” standard for sexual intimacy which, particularly in younger dating groups, may even be a bit unrealistic.. In all honesty, most long term single women I know in their 30's have had a fair amount of sexual partners.. It's not because they are of loose moral virtue or indiscriminate sexual taste but because it's just inevitable..

So what would most guys say if a girl said her number was 25? Is that high? Is it low? Does that indicate she's slept with around in college, over 10 years ago? That she was married? What if she had sex with boyfriends she dated for greater than 6 months? Does it indicate she had a high sex drive that led to poor choices? That she only had sex when she was “in love”?? What real information does that number convey?

Calculating An Average SPF (Sexual Partner Factor)

Let's run a rough draft for the average single 35 year old woman's number.. Let me reiterate this is not the rundown of mine or any of my friend’s number, it is just an approximate calculation based on a random survey of normal dating experiences.

Definitions:

Serious Relationship - Monogamous Committed Dating aka "Boyfriend, Fiancée or Husband"
Dating Relationship - Monogamous, Non-Committed aka "This guy I went out with long enough to have had sex"
Non-Relationship Recurring Partner - No Dating, Sex More Than Once aka "Fuck Buddy"(altho, this can be someone you hang out with, no hope of a relationship but have had sex with on more than one occasion, aka "Repeat Offenders")
Non-Recurring Partner - No On Going Dating, Sex One Time aka "One Night Stand" or those guys who never called again.. Technically we call those "Assholes"..)

Let's run through an example, shall we??

The last 2 years of High School and College (6 years) - Let's say 3 serious relationships, a drunken one night stand with a frat boy, whoops, I mean 1 non-recurring partner, and 1 dating relationship.. Total - 5.. Not bad.. Less than one lover per year..

Post College 20's (8 years) - Let's go with 2 serious relationships, one lasting 1 years, one lasting 4 years.. Take a year off for grieving time.. During the remaining 2 years of single time, assume one non-relationship recurring partner, one non-recurring partner per year and 1 dating relationship every 6 months.. Total - 9 Still, not bad, just over one lover per year (Sum Total - 14)

Early to Mid -30's (5 years) - Assume 2 serious relationships of no more than a year each, and during the remaining 3 years assume 1 non-recurring partner per year, 1 non-relationship recurring partner per year, and 1 dating relationship per year. Total – 11.. Still looking good, just over 2 lovers per year.. (Sum Total - 25)

How about that? We're looking at a 35 year old woman with a number of 25 over 19 years of sexual activity just through a normal course of dating and life experiences.. Can the number be lower? Absolutely.. If a woman was off the market for longer periods of time during relationships or marriage or if she is sexual only in committed long term monogamous relationships.. The reality is, that's not real likely, not in this day and age of being single.. But if you look at the sexual history above, is this someone who is a tramp? Hardly, the history is based primarily in relationships, with limited non-recurring partners, most of which were probably of the Love ‘em and Leave ‘em Asshole variety.. I don’t know of one single women out there that hasn’t had a guy pull a “love ‘em and leave ‘em”.. The average number of lovers is 1.32 per year.. Not exactly someone making the rounds on the Strip now is it?? Yet a lot of men would cringe at the idea of a woman with a number of 25 without realizing that there is more to the story than a number..

The real kicker, as I terminated the numbers discussion, was when I sharply pointed out to him, it's better to sleep with an SPF 45 with protection, than an SPF 4 without.. That's one way to get burned for sure.. Because, in the end, that's all your number is.. Just a number..

posted by Monet @ 10:30 AM