The Rambling RedHead

Bad Milk in Raleigh - Part 3

So, we've got lame ass excuses and crazy drunken phone calls.. Are all the guys I date late night calling morons and sloppy drunks? No, some are just ordinary average guys who pull oridnary average guy shit.. So with that concept firmly in mind, we move on to the third fascinating installment of our series..

Cancel My Subscription, I'm Over Your Issues...

Next there was Rocco, a guy I went out with 3 times over a 3 week period. He seemed like a genuine, straightforward and honest guy, maybe even a bit of a grown-up, I mean, he had a job, he owned furniture, he wasn't on work release from prison.. I actually respected him, something that rarely happens with men I date.. Fast forward to our 4th and last date where he tells me he can’t keep seeing me because he suddenly has “unresolved issues” with his ex-fiancée who happens to live on another continent.. I’m a bit jaded about the dating process and men in general because the thought I had running through my head while he’s explaining how he thinks the world of me, the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” blathering is “Let’s wrap this up now so I can go take a nap.. I’m dumped, I got it. It was 3 dates, I think my heart will heal..Can I go now?..”.. He asked if we could be friends, to which I had my stock and standard reply: "I'm going to have to go with no, sorry, we can't.." .. Most of my previous experiences have led me to conclude that there’s just too much weirdness in being friends after dating, so I typically choose to decline those offers.. He then asks if once he resolves his issues, if we can date again, you know, maybe pick up where we left off.. That's a new-ish twist.. Usually guys just end it and disappear.. I'm not sure what to make of it, but hey, whatever, this is a pretty clean, polite ending and honesty has always counted big with me so I said sure, call me if you get everything resolved and we’ll see.. Of course, as I reflected on this later, I started to see humor in the situation.. Nothing is more appealing or romantic to a girl than knowing you could be the First Runner-Up in the Miss Girlfriend Pageant and might be offered the crown if the original winner is unable to fulfill her duties, what with living on another continent and all.. Oh yeah, that offer is sweeping no one off their feet.. I chalk it up to “He’s Just Not That Into Me” and start my next relationship 6 hours later.. .. No harm, no foul, no hard feelings..

A month or so later I get a casual "What's up?" kind of email from him.. This kicks off a flurry of flirty banter and culminates in meeting for lunch.. Given that we established the "we’re not friends call me when you get your issues resolved" ground rules and, frankly, I’m curious, I agree to lunch to see what’s up. What's up is he still has issues, he just wanted to see me because I’m funny and fun to hang out with.. Uhhhh, ok, what part of the ground rules were not in English? I am not a fan of head games which is exactly what this is starting to strike me as.. At this point, I cross him off my dating card and dive back into the dance pool..

We go to lunch once or twice after that, with him firmly compartmentalized into “lunch buddy / casual acquaintance” role, (because I do enjoy a good sharp-witted lunch companion and I was dating someone else off and on at that point).. Then about a month or so ago, in the middle of the “catching up on our lives” portion of our lunch (this takes place during the salad/appetizer portion of a meal), he suddenly drops into conversation that the ex is coming to town the following week, that once she leaves his issues will be resolved (very important, this is a key phrase here) and he’d like to take me out to lunch or dinner, my schedule permitting the week after that. Hmmm, interesting.. And, after a moment's reflection, kind of insulting.. Was it me or did that presentation come off as "Hey, I might or might not be having “memory lane” sex with the ex all next week.. Once I’ve got that out of my system and/or she leaves the country again, maybe we can talk about dating?” .. The funny thing is, what I initially respected about this guy, his honesty and forthrightness, were the very characteristics that were starting to make him look like a shmuck.. The phrase "need to know" came to mind.. This was not information that I needed to know.. But, given that I’m generally too laid back about dating (AJ swears she is going to shove a copy of The Rules up my ass at the start of my next relationship) I figure, I’ll keep an open mind, give him the benefit of the doubt.. The week passes, no word.. Come Monday, I shoot him an email asking if he's living "issue free" these days.. I receive a surface level reply assuring me I’m not being blown off, complete with the “I’m so busy” excuse (Riiighhhhttt... My absolute favorite excuse of all time..).. I said fine, you’re busy, get back to me when you get free, knowing full well that this will be the last communication I ever voluntarily receive from him.. Again, I'm 34, I know what being blown off looks like.. Telling me I'm not being blown off doesn't make me any less blown off... Much to my utter lack of surprise, 2 weeks later, still no word..

The next Friday, after a cocktail or six with the girls, and no viable dating prospects in sight, I decide it's a good idea to text him to see what's up.. After another flurry of casual text-ing he finally admits that he is not issue free, he's still confused, blah, blah... I make the mistake of asking where that leaves us.. "Let's just be friends.." I sent him a text and asked him to just call me when he gets back.. It was at this time (slightly too late) that I realized this is not the kind of conversation that should be held via text messaging.. Or after AJ's Homemade Kick-Your-Apple Martini's.. Again, it was only 3 dates, I really didn't want this to unnecessarily become a drama.. No reply.. And to the great surprise of no one, least of all me, not a word out of him since.. I officially have labeled this as ‘check mate’ on the mind fuck. Cancel my subscription, babe.

Why This Was Wrong: Look guys, say you go out with a girl a few times and it ends amicably. Consider it a gift. I hate to break it to you, but odds are, she was over it and moved on, maybe even the same day.. She was probably just happy that you didn’t waste too much of her time because, face it, if you’re willing to walk away from someone, they are not the one for you.. Key Point: That's ok.. That's what dating is about.. Some people don't get it.. Not falling in love with someone or just deciding not to continue dating them doesn't make you a bad guy.. Screwing with someones head because you can't seem to get yours out of your ass does.. In fact, if you keep throwing the hook out there to see if you can still reel ‘er in, you're basically a shmuck.. It’s also generally tacky and unnecessary to go into details about that someone else that you can’t let go of.. Guys, listen closely to this, please: We. Don’t. Care. If you’re not dating us, we don’t want or need to know much more.. Honesty, always the best policy, of course, but there is a line between being honest and just being an ass.. We don't need to know details about someone else who isn't us that you want to date. And it's manipulative game-playing to tell a person that you want to revisit the issue of dating and/or engage in flirty emailing when you are not sure or are not actually free to pursue dating.. It's what knocks you from “genuine and straightforward” to “total mind fuck”. So please, gentlemen, keep in mind, we women are made of pretty strong stuff.. We don't break easily.. But repeated emotional assaults on even the toughest of women can wear down our resolves, leave us fragile and wounded and possibly drive us to marginally violent acts like ripping out your ribcage and wearing it for a hat.. And the fun part is there's not a jury of *our peers* (30-something, single women with disappointing dating histories) that will ever convict us..

Next up: The Roommate / Friend Switch.. Kansas and Reynaldo, a double whammy of fun and frivolity.

Have a good one, Gang..

posted by Monet @ 3:28 PM