The Rambling RedHead

All I Really Ever Needed to Know, I Learned From Rich Ellis..

"And I was sitting not 2 days ago, feeling loney cause I'm just feeling low, and I asked Henry, my bartending friend, why it is that there are those kind of men..

And Henry said: 'You're lucky to even know me.. You're lucky to be alive.. You're lucky to be drinking here for free cause I'm a sucker for your lucky pretty eyes..."

Polyester Bride ------- Liz Phair

Change "Henry" to "Gerry"... I tend to bemoan my singleness quite vehemently to my favorite bartender and good friend after each dating disappointment.. I also tend to bemoan my disappointment to you, my gentle readers.. Lately, I feel like I spend alot of time bemoaning.. Too much, probably..

Let me clarify where I am these days.. I actually am quite happy and content in my life right now.. For those of you not one of the Usual Suspects, let me bring you up to date on some changes that I've gone through and some of the new endeavors I have undertaken..

The new job... I am almost a month into my tenure at RTI as Manger of Enterprise Risk... I absolutely love my new job.. It's the kind of expereince where I actually get up early and go to my office excited to see what new challenge the day holds for me.. I can already see that the kind of work I am doing is going to get me more involved in my peak area of interest, interntational risk management.. I suspect interntaional travel is going to be involved eventually.. In short, I love my job... I love my manager, my co-workers, my office that actually has a door, my work, the meetings, everything about it is exciting and challenging.. I realize now how much hating my last job impacted my outlook and overall attitude..

My kids remain a shining source of love and joy in my life.. You can't help but keep both feet on the ground when, through the normal course of events, you get to say things like "Stop farting on your brother's head and get that thing out of your nose!!".. They are the reason I live and breathe..

On the spiritual front, there's alot of changes.. I leave for Romania for my mission trip on Thursday, a 12 day spiritual journey that I anticipate will be a life changing event in terms of spirutal and emotional challenges.. I can't imagine remaining as self-centered and self-absorbed as I am now after sepnding 2 weeks serving and caring for orphans.. As a mother, I don't think the hard part will be leaving my children for 2 weeks to go, I think the hard part will be having to leave the children there when I return..

I am also currently undergoing training to become a Stephen Minister, a lay/parrish minister that assits members of the congregation through long term spiritual challenges such as job loss, divorce, custody issues, substance abuse, financial difficulties.. When I read about the training and the issues that they deal with, I pretty much realized I unfortunately have extensive expereince in almost all of those areas and could maybe help others who might be going through the same difficult times I have..

And if that wasn't enough on my plate, I also have signed up for a 4 year course through Christ Church called Education for Ministry, a lay and parrish ministry education program that covers in depth the Old Testament, the New Testament, Church History, Liturgy and Theology to deepen my spiritual knowledge and understanding of God and the foundations of religion and the Church..

Most of the people that have known me for any period of time have been somewhat startled by the spiritual changes I have gone through and their impact on my socializing and behavior, particularly over the recent weeks.. I made consious personal changes and sacrifices to prepare spiritually for my mission trip and it's service.. This includes finally giving up all smoking, even socially, trading in my Miller Lites for Cranberry Juice & Ginger Ale and observing a strict "no nookie" policy.. No drinking, no smoking and no sex.. Oh yeah, I was a real ray of sunshine the first few weeks of my preperatory period, let me assure you.. I'm still pretty freakin' cranky 5 weeks later.. Funny thing, I never knew how much people associated me with certain behaviors.. People don't know how to react to me without a beer and a cigarette as my constant companions.. And you would have thought I said I was going out to kick puppies and set fire to nursing homes the other night when I said I was leaving at 12:30 because I wanted to go home and get a good night's sleep because I had church in the morning..

That being said, I am still human, still single and still dating.. If anything, I suspect my increased spiritual focus will make my love life suck even more because I am becomming more selective about the people I want to involve myself with.. Take the overgrown frat boy who poured beer down my back a few weeks back.. a year ago, we probably would have been a perfect match but now, no interest.. I want more..

So last night, I went out with Jenny, Kevin, AJ and Friendster Brad... Me and 2 couples.. I cannot begin to express how much that sucked.. Not the company, mind you, it's AJ and Jenny, afterall, some of my most beloved friends... But when you are with couples, they tend to stay right next to each other, as if strapped together by bungee cords.. if they stretch too far from each other, they suddenly snap back into place.. There's no roaming the location, no scoping folks out and people watching.. Saturday night I missed my CoraBean and my Dani something awful.. There are no greater wingmen/running buddies than those two.. As an added bonus, Cora Bean now brings HunnyBunny with her.. He's a natural born wingman, if there ever was one.. As usual, I digress.. Jenny and Kevin left for another bar and then AJ said she and Brad were tired and might go ahead and leave.. They did accompany me back to the pub to see if any of the usual pub crowd was around but alas, they were all in NY for the U2 concert.. Then we went to Stool Pigeon's to see if we could find Jenny and Kevin to meet up with.. As I stood there, sober as a judge, and looked around it hit me.. This place, this night, this whole scene was bullshit.. So I left..

On the way home, I reflected on several conversations I have had with Rich Ellis, my beloved former roommate.. I remember him talking about not being able to find anyone to date.. I used to give him hell about not coming out more.. How was he supposed to find anyone if he stayed home all the time? His viewpoint was, he wasn't likely to meet anyone he actually stood a chance of having a relationship with at a bar.. I get that now.. Granted, there have been a few men that I have met while at a bar that I think were exceptional and remain in my thoughts, despite my attempts at literary exorcism, mainly Rocco, Hulk Boy (another story waiting to be told) and Francisco, but for the most part, the guys I've met out are all drunkards looking to get laid.. I get that now.. And the odds of me finding a man that is ok dating a woman with kids, goes to church and does not have a substance abuse problem or unresolved relationship issues at the pub are pretty slim.. I get that now..

Funny thing, huh? Turns out all along, Rich knew what he was talking about.. Who would have thought, you know, other than him??

So what to do, what to do?? As I have pointed out to my beloved Suspects many times, my dating pool was pretty shallow to begin with, but without being interested in going to the bar and drinking until my standards drop accordingly, I suspect it's now a dating puddle.. I guess I'll head to Romania and throw myself into service and then come back home and throw myself into my family, my work and my church.. Try to have faith that God will put someone I can love, who will love me back into my life.. That all the near misses and disappointments will be worth it.. and that the lonliness I am going through is an alchemists process, changing me, improving me and making me more of the person I am becomming, the person that I want someone to love.. And I am there.. I want someone to love.. I want to spoil a guy rotten, cook him dinner, give backrubs, watch hockey while snuggled up on the couch, spend rainy Saturday's in bed, take trips and have experiences.. I want someone to want those things for me.. But I know you can't seek love out.. It's something that comes to you in it's own time.. I get that now.. But it doesn't make the nights any easier..

posted by Monet @ 10:13 AM