The Rambling RedHead

The RedHead Rules.. Or the "I'm too old for this shit" Rules..

The Rules.. The book that became a whole dating movement for women several years ago.. This is the Dating Bible for a number of people, including my beloved roomie, AJ. The typical reaction was to either love it or hate it. Tons of women swear by it, including AJ, who is forever telling me how my actions in a relationship are “against The Rules” and are the reason why I have not found true love.. Don’t repeatedly call him with your number blocked.. Stop driving by his house 20 times a day with “My Heart Will Go On” blaring out the windows.. Quit stealing his mail.. You must stay a minimum of 100 yards from the Plaintiff under penalty of jail time.. Blah, blah, blah.. Why is dating so hard??

I actually did read The Rules at AJ’s insistence and my reaction wasn’t love or hate, it was amusement: “No, really? Is this supposed to be funny? No? How about that.. Because this is some funny shit..”. Don't talk to a man first, Don't call him and rarely return his calls, Don't stare at men, Don't accept Saturday dates after Wednesday, Stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentines, Don't tell him what to do, etc., etc..

The whole basis for the book are these manipulative strategies that are designed to get and keep his attention.. Strategies like “Never call a guy” just mystify me.. Well, damn.. How am I supposed be certain that the 911 dispatcher is going to be a female? Am I just supposed to let my house burn to the ground b/c I don’t want to seem too forward by calling the fireman?? Frankly, my own personal strategy for keeping his attention involves handcuffs, full nudity, a feather boa some mini-gerkin pickles and the theme from Mighty Mouse.. My lawyer says I can’t go into anymore detail.. It’s a trade secret… and the charges are still pending..

I remember sitting out on the deck with AJ when I reached the "intimacy" rule and knew without a doubt that I would never be a Rules Girl: Rule #15: Never sleep with a man for at least the first month and it is preferable that you wait at least 3.. I looked up at AJ and said “You mean I have to go without sex for 3 months? What if at the end of the waiting period he’s lousy in bed? How about instead I just go ahead and sleep with him on the first date, that way, even if he’s a bastard, at least I got laid and eliminated him straight away??”.. Poor AJ, she despairs for me.

I wanted to share a bit of my own personal insight about The Rules.. Below are excerpts from the actual Rules website. These are the Top 10 Rules and my personal commentary on them..

No seriously, do guys really fall for this shit??

Rule: 1 Be a creature unlike any other.. Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It's the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don't babble on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight) and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back). When a relationship doesn't work out, you brush away a tear so that it doesn't smudge your makeup and you move on!

That’s a lot of pressure.. Your smile has to light up the room? I’m thinking something along the lines of the Uncle Fester with the light bulb trick.. Or I could try walking around with a Glow Stick stuck in my mouth. We can’t babble or stare AND we have to breathe? Jesus, that’s an awful lot for me to try to remember.. Guys don't like it when you are staring at them babbling incoherently while panting like a dog in July?? What if my meds are off kilter?? It's not like it's my fault..

Brush away a tear so it doesn’t smudge my make-up? Excuse me while I go vomit.. I’ll try to not muss my lip-gloss in the process. I think the last time I cried over a guy was when I gave birth to him.

Rule 2: Show up at parties, dances and social events even if you don’t feel like it.. Realize that you may not meet Mr. Right naturally and that you therefore must take social action immediately even if you don't want to. Get a manicure and go out on another date or to that singles dance -- do something to increase your chances of meeting men.

“Dances”? As in the Prom? Are they talking about the Saturday Socials at the VFW?? OK, I will actually give them that some of this one is common sense. Men don’t just show up on your doorstep.. Well, actually they do but only if your order exceeds $10. And for an extra $5 most will throw in a foot rub and free cheese sticks.

Rule 3: It’s a fantasy relationship unless the man asks you out.. Don't waste time on a fantasy relationship. You may have a good rapport with your doctor, lawyer or accountant, and you may find yourself wondering if he is interested in you romantically. How can you know for sure? If he's never asked you out, then he's not interested!

Let’s see, my OB/GYN is female, my attorney is female, I am my own accountant.. Not so much. I have an excellent rapport with my doctor but, even if she were a very hot he, wearing a paper gown with your legs in stirrups does not generate romantic images of happily ever after. Usually the thought drifting through my mind is “Slight cramping, my ass. What are you using down there, a machete?”

Rule 4: In an office romance, do not email him back every time he emails you unless it’s business related. On all nonbusiness e-mails, responding once for every four of his e-mails is a good rule of thumb. Remember, you never know who has access to your e-mail, so keep all romance off the screen and save it for Saturday nights.

Does this mean it’s inappropriate to make sweet, sweet love on the conference room table? I do love a good mathematical solution to an emotional problem. Respond only 25% of the time? An informal poll of assorted male Suspects indicated that they might call twice but after that, screw the bitch.. I love my guys..

Rule 5: If you are in a long distance relationship, he must visit you 3 times before you visit him.. Remember, the first three visits are really nothing more than three dates... and on the first three dates we don't have sex with a man or have him stay at our place overnight..

Do they know what the price of gas is these days? The least you can do for the guy if he drives or shells out the bucks for a flight and takes time off his job to see you is reward him with hot, sweaty monkey sex.. Let’s amend that the first time they come to see you, if they drive more than 150 miles to see you, you only owe him a hand job.. Flights are strictly oral gratuity. Second trip is full naked sex. A third trip to see you will require flavored body gels, bondage or spankings.. If he’s come to visit you more than 3 times and you haven’t gone to see him, you may be required to get into some “butt” stuff.. This a gray area.. I’ll write to the authors for clarification and get back to you.

Rule 6: When considering using online or personal ads, you should place the ad and let the man respond to you.. It goes back to the basic premise of The Rules: Man pursues woman. When writing your ad, remember that every man has a type, a voice or a look he likes. There has to be a spark for him that attracts him to you, something that makes him find you unexplainably special.

No way in hell. Have you seen most of the guys in the personal ads?I speak from experience and that is a whole ‘nother article.

Rule 7: If he does not call, he is not that interested. Period. We know this is hard to accept, but it's not that he hasn't called because he's busy, or because you didn't smile or talk enough (or did too much). It's not that he lost your phone number. The bottom line is, if he hasn't called, he's not that interested.

This one, well, I have to give them this one. Frankly, calls, emails and text messages are generally good indicators of interest. If there’s interest, there’s communication. Of course, it’s not like this one really required a Think Tank to figure out, mind you.

Rule 8: Close the deal, Rules women do not date a man for more than 2 years.. If you've followed The Rules, your man probably loves you and wants to marry you. Your problem is not if he marries you, but when! If it's been more than a year, see less of him and think about dating others. You've already spent more than a year waiting for him to propose; do you have another year to wait?

Where’s his bunny rabbit? Got a soup pot handy??.. Hello, psycho! Oh, and love the arrogance: “If you’ve followed The Rules, your man probably loves you and wants to marry you..” OK, my last relationship of over a year ended not because he wouldn’t propose, but because I was worried that he would.

They actually define the timeline for which a man should propose. Thank God.. Now I can quit worrying.. When I start to date a guy I can just hand him a countdown clock (like the Guinness clock they have in the pub counting down to St. Patrick’s day) letting him know exactly how long my love will be available before I expect him to exercise the purchase option with the 2 carat down payment. That’s a load off my mind.

Rule 9: Buyer Beware.. Observe his behavior so you do not end up with Mr. Wrong.. Love may be blind, but Rules girls are not stupid! How does he act in the relationship? Is he cheap on dates? Is he critical of you? Remember, The Rules are not about marrying the first man you are attracted to who calls you by Wednesday for Saturday night and buys you flowers. It's about marrying your own personal Mr. Right -- a man whom you love and whose character you admire and can live with.

So even if he calls, we didn’t have sex for over a month, he brings me flowers and he wants to marry me I have to be on the lookout for things like illicit pornography, the tendency to smack me around when he drinks too much and a predilection for ball gags and hookers?? Where’s the fail safe in this whole program??. Dammit!!

Rule 10: Keep the Rules even when things are going slow.. Take care of yourself, take a bubble bath and build up your soul with positive slogans like "I am a beautiful woman. I am enough."

Somewhere out there is a woman who actually needs a Rule to remind her to bathe when she’s not dating. Her positive slogan should be: “I have enough insurance to cover psychotherapy”

And finally.. You must learn to accept that, as an adult, you can't always rely on a friend to do things with you. Even if you don't meet Mr. Right, going out -- whether it's a restaurant, lecture or party -- is a chance to meet new people and practice The Rules.

We can’t rely on our friends to do things with us? Than what the hell good are they? Isn’t that the point of having friends? Go "practice" The Rules.. Translation: Go find some poor hapless shmuck that you don't want to date or fall in love with and "practice" turning him into a whimpering emasculated shell of a man who believes that I am a coy demure mysterious creature?

Sounds like a healthy first step to divorce.

Nothing like a relationship based on games, manipulation and pretending to be something I'm not. Let's face it gang.. I'm Popeye. I am what I am. I am a girl who likes to call guys. I like to do things for guys when I'm in a relationship. I have a healthy sex drive and I'm not afraid to use it. I don't like to pretend not to like a guy. Patience is not a virtue to me. I have discussed this whole concept exhaustively with The Vixens but the simple fact is it just is not in my nature to do these things. AJ actually is one of those feminine, coy, mysterious creatures. Me? Not so much.. It's not like there's much of a mystery to me.. I like beer, hockey, pubs, reading on the couch, footrubs, laughter during sex, country ham bisquits and people who are as straight forward as I am. Does it mean I may wait a little longer to find the right guy? I really don't know. Any guy that seriously falls for the "push-pull" and the "catch me if you can" stuff is just not likely to be someone I end up respecting enough to want to really be with. In the end, I guess, hit or miss, I only have one real rule: Be Yourself.

And fuck 'em if they can't take a joke

posted by Monet @ 11:03 PM