The Rambling RedHead

Batchelorized

One night some time back, The Vixen's were out having a few cocktails at the pub, as we occasionally do..

There were a few regulars at the other end of the bar.. In particular these 3 guys that we've all known for a few years.. Somehow, the conversation sort of drifted to these and a few other men that we know that boast the same general characteristics.. They are all in their mid to late 30's, generally quite successful, at least moderately attractive, charming and great fun to hang out with.. And all totally single.. All except one has never been married.. And when we considered the ones we specifically knew from the pub, they rarely, if ever, had a girlfriend.. They are perennial bachelors.. But why?? What makes men who are in their 30's date like they are in their 20's??

Later in the evening, when things had died down a bit, the 4 of us (myself and the 3 Bachelors) were hunkered down in a booth, I did a bit of research on this phenomenon of totally eligible men being, well, emotionally ineligible for dating.. As the conversation progressed, some trends emerged.. Each of these men had been badly burned by love at least once.. Secondly, after their bad break-up, they each went into deep guy-mode.. They spent time with their single friends, they did whatever they wanted, spent hours at the bar, took up hobbies the ex would have balked at, avoided anything that resembled official dating and basically screwed everything that didn't file charges..

OK, I interjected, I can understand the rebound period wherein you avoid any emotional ties, rely on meaningless sex, alcohol and your friends to ease the pain but doesn't eventually that get a bit old? Don't you want to be with someone that actually loves you? Don't you at least want to know who you're waking up with occasionally? Bachelor #1, the oldest of the bunch, pointed out that after 41 years of being single, he was set in his ways of doing things, lived by his own rules and didn't particularly have any desire to make the kind of concessions that being in a relationship required.. Further he said, it doesn't take much to get women to go to bed with you, so it's not like being single means not getting laid or waking up alone all the time.. Bachelor #2 boasted he had more sex when he was single than when he was married.. Ouch.. Bachelor #3 was the most successful of the bunch and said that, given that he was fairly well known for being fairly well off he just didn't trust that anyone he dated was actually interested in him as a person, and not as a paycheck.. And, given the size of his paycheck, if he wanted company for a weekend away, there were always a number of hot, shallow 20 somethings that were willing to do just about anything he wanted for an all expenses paid trip out of the country.. All of this was said without a trace of shame or conscience.

A few days later, I recounted this illuminating and nauseating conversation with the Vixen's and hence, the term "Bachelorized" was born..

Bachelorized (adj.): The process by which never married men in their 30's can become less and less dateable due to the inflexibility that is reinforced by years of single living.

The theory is as follows: Sometime towards the mid-30's, men who have never been married or have been without a serious relationship for more than a few years begin to do more and more of the things that historically were reserved for "married life"... They buy property.. The buy real furniture.. They landscape.. They decorate.. They acquire housewares.. But mainly, they get used to not having to coordinate their life with anyone.. The longer they are not in a relationship, the less malleable they are in terms of making the kind of compromises and adjustments that comes with relationships.. They become emotionally self-centered and unable see a reason to put anyone else's needs before their own..

Unfortunately, given that we women have generally become more sexually open and less inclined to "make 'em wait", they typically can get laid without having to make any promises or commitments.. No wonder they don't want to get married.. They don't need to.. We've created a society that encourages rampant sexual freedom with none of the safety nets that commitment brings..

As we Vixen's sat there sipping cocktails and stockpiling the list of men we knew that had been Bachelorized, I came to realize that I was actually pretty lucky.. Generally, with a few notable exceptions, including the man I was currently involved with, my dating pool has typically been focused on people that I have the most in common with: divorced fathers.. Now, while my beloved, never married girlfriends cringe at the idea of the baggage that can accompany a single father (including psycho ex-wife, paying child support, costly custody battles and well, the kids) I look at the advantages that they have over the Bachelorized 35+ crowd of men that has become our target dating pool.. The biggest advantage of the single dad is that he is well aware that he is not the center of the universe.. One night of helplessly watching a child's fever spike to 102 teaches you a great deal about priorities and where you fall in the grand scheme of things.. Also, men who have been married before have shown they at least have the ability to commit and to possibly put the needs of others first.. Also, most single father's these days have been present at the birth of their child which means they have seen a woman at a moment when she looked her worst and was at her most beautiful.. They do not suffer from the delusion that beauty comes from a make-up kit.. So while, my pool is definitely a bit more shallow, I'd like to think it's inhabitants have at least the potential to be a bit deeper..

Now this is not to say that all men over 35 are completely undateable, shallow-minded, leg-humping scoundrels.. There are the Usual Suspects that fall in the 35+ category but are very much open and willing to make room in their lives and schedules for someone that has the beauty and brains to touch their hearts, but sadly they are in the minority.. For every one of our Suspects who craves a warm body and soul to call his own there is a victim of Bachelorization who brushes aside the heart that's been offered up on the proverbial silver platter to avoid having to compromise or make sacrifices..

However, what's really sad about the Bachelorized Boys is their future.. I think specifically of the Bar Batchelors that are missing out on the best that life has to offer.. The ones that have let love walk away from them because it was "too much trouble", "too much work", "too inconvenient" or "just a pain in the ass".. These are the guys that think that they have all the time in the world to find someone, that things will always be this way.. Sad to say, most of them will probably miss their chance and end up being "that guy".. You know the one (Come on out Bachelor #1!!).. That 40-something guy hanging out with a bunch of late 20's-early 30's on the weekends.. The one who ignores the fact that the age gap between him and his cohorts continues to increase as all his old running buddies fall in love and move past a life of "me" and into the life of "we".. The one that gets left behind as one by one, the others grow up, find love, settle down and realize that the best part about life is sharing it with someone..

Bachelorized.. An inevitable result of our generation's desire to stress independence, self-centeredness and success before the more simpler joys of sharing a life and putting other's first.

You know, not everything that moves forward is progress..

posted by Monet @ 3:06 PM