The Rambling RedHead

God Isn't Listening..

Awhile back, I had this very bizzare encounter with a strange and disturbed gentleman while running out at Lake Lynn which I chronicled in Flypaper for Freaks. I had asked God to never allow our paths to cross again, you know, as a special favor to me.. Well, God isn't listening..

Today, after spending 3 hours at the Doctor's Urgent Care taking my Wee Monkey in for what turned out to be strep throat, the ex and I were famished. I told him to drop me off at this coffee house that makes great wraps and go get the Monkey some Burger King while I grabbed some sammiches.. I got to the counter, placed my order and then heard "Well, hello again!".. I turned and, dear God, there he was.. Seriously Insane Biker Boy.. Fuck..

The conversation that followed went like this:

SIBB: You never wrote me after Alive After Five.. What happened?

Me: Well, I started dating someone and it got pretty serious pretty quick and I just didn't think it would be right to get in touch with you.

SIBB: I can understand that. I've been dating 2 girls kind of off and on but I know I don't want to marry either one of them. So, how about if I take you out to dinner one night this week for Christmas?

Me: That's really nice of you, but my boyfriend and I are still together so I don't think that would be a good idea.

SIBB: I don't see a ring on your finger, so that means you are still free to see anyone you want.

Me: I really don't think he would see it that way.. Besides, he's the violently jealous type.

SIBB: Still, you're not engaged or anything, you should keep your options open.

Me: Well, actually, I'm not supposed to know this but my best friend told me he took her out looking for rings for me so I suspect that I will be engaged by Christmas or New Years (Thought Going Through My Head: How long does it take to make 2 fucking sandwiches?? I'm dying out here!!)

SIBB: Well, tell you what, here's my card.. If you don't get a ring for Christmas, give me a call and I'll see if I can get you one by Valentines and if nothing else, maybe we can hang out and I can give you a reason to re-think the engagement. You're really beautiful and have it together. I'd really like to have you in my life..

Me: Thanks. Oh, look, here's my order.. Good to see you again.. Take care.. Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukkah, Blessed Solstice.. Gotta go.. Bye.. No really, no need to walk me out..

I think I just got a marriage proposal at a sandwich shop.

Which, being that it was from an insane person, doesn't exactly make my day.. This is the third time I have seen this guy and the third time that I have tried to, as tactfully as possible, tell him there's not a snowballs chance in hell that I will ever go out with him. Hello, Crazy Guy? Can you hold this hint? I need to hit it with this sledgehammer..

Now, this isn't the first time I've invented a boyfriend to get out of a sticky or awkward situation but it is the first time I felt the need to escalate my imaginary relationship to matrimony.. A new low in being single! Woo Hoo!

So the moral of the story is God is not really going to bat for me with Seriously Insane Biker Boy which means I am going to have to rely on my friends.. As I told my beloved Kansas tonight, I am officially putting all Usual Suspects on alert. If we are ever out on the town and I suddenly cling to you like a flotation device at sea and introduce you to someone as my fiancee, please, just roll with it.. Start rambling on about our wedding, the tuxes we've picked out and how you own firearms and have connections to the mob.. Whatever it takes..

Thank you in advance.

posted by Monet @ 12:04 AM