The Rambling RedHead

The Tragic Romantic Death of Harlequin Boy..

It must be Spring.. Every year about this time, a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.. And my love life turns spectacularly to shit..

I recently ended a relationship of 3 weeks with a sweet, romantic, intelligent man who had a house and a job..

Why?

I was dating a total pussy. I’ve thought long and hard about the use of that phrase, but, there is no other way to put it. It may seem a bit unkind, but it is also completely true..

The simple truth about women is we like our men to be, well, men. I cannot date a man that I can “out guy”.. I mean my guy friends?? The men I absolutely have adored dating? All pretty frikkin’ manly.. I like 'em chock full of testosterone..

It started off innocently enough… He said he didn’t like scary movies.. Fair enough.. Lots of people don’t like scary movies. Unfortunately this came up in the context of my mentioning my family’s obsession and love of the movie Jaws.. He thought Jaws was a scary movie.. Ouch. A 30 year old movie with a cheesy mechanical shark gives him the heebie-jeebes? Forget the Scream Trilogy, 13 Ghosts, The Exorcist or Texas Chainsaw Massacre, he was freaked out by JAWS.. Strike one.

Then as we were watching an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD (a show my son watched when he was 8 years old without flinching) he became nauseous and had to leave the room. Double ouch. You’re on the verge of losing your dinner over something you can find on broadcast TV at 8:00pm? I began to suspect a severe testosterone deficiency.. Seriously.. Buffy is not graphic, it’s not scary, it’s camp at its best.. Again this is not boding well on the masculinity factor. Strike two.

But all in all, these are not fatal flaws.. OK, so he’s not a sweaty, beer swilling, treat-me-like-shit brute like I’m used to, he has manners and class, he’s not trying to screw one of my friends the second my back is turned.. So I decided to stick it out and not to judge.. And then he turned into a sick freak..

Allow me to deconstruct..

This guy was deviant in the extreme when it come to intimate moments.. You know, I can handle spankings, bondage, the use of food items, pornography and just about any freaky-ass requests that come up during a relationship, I'm a 3G Girl (good, giving and game) but some things are just too depraved and twisted for me to go along with.. Granted, there were not that many intimate moments and there was never any actual sex involved, but every time we were in an intimate type moment, he would begin to talk.. and the words coming out of his mouth were the sort of trite Fabio-esque trash you read in bad romance novels. That my hair was like spun silk and my skin like heavy cream.. That he couldn’t wait to watch my nipples constrict in the candlelight when I was aroused. That he loved to watch my body respond to his touch.. That he loved to feel my thighs quiver as I reached the edge of ecstasy and that I tasted like honey on his tongue..

Feel free to go vomit.. I'll wait..

As I was recounting this to Big Brother who was over hanging out with me and my neighbor having a few beers, my neighbor said “Oh my God.. What did you do??”.. To which Big Brother replied: “What men do.. Cram his head between your legs and hope it shuts him up.. “..

I think we may have pulled something, but it was a valid suggestion..

He seemed like such a normal guy, you know?? What can I say? The only words I want to hear in bed are dirty ones. A simple “Oh, yeah, right there.. Oh God, oh, God.. Harder, baby.. “ is all I ever want to hear.. If the relationship is advanced enough a simple "I love you" is a nice post-orgasm statement.. Running commentary? So not necessary.. To quote Miranda from Sex and the City “Sex is the one time in my overly articulate life when I should just shut up..”..

I realized there was no point in prolonging the inevitable. I don’t want a guy to make love to me tenderly or to tell me he wants to take me to the edge of desire and make my body flush with pleasure.. I think I’d rather get banged like a Salvation Army drum, but in a nice, caring, relationship way, you know?..

So, I ended it.

In an email no less. I turned into Mr. Fantastic. In all fairness, I think the email was valid and legitimate choice for this.. after all he had sent me 6 emails (yes, I went back and counted them, there were 6) long, flowery, Harlequin filled, emotional emails in the last 2 ½ days.. I was really kind of starting to get a “Jame Gumb” vibe from him.. Seriously, gang, I was freaked out a bit..

As I faced some really significant high pressure deadlines at work, over the last 3 days there have been increasing emails, texts and calls expressing how he wants to be there for me and how supportive he wants to be but he doesn’t want to crowd me or put any pressure on me.. I appreciated the sentiment the first email I got.. by the 5th I began to suspect his motives did not match his words.. Last night he asked if he could come over and celebrate my successful presentation.. I said no, I was whipped and just wanted to couch surf (I really was.. I slept for almost 12 straight hours).. he offered to just come over and rub my feet and leave.. Uhhh, no. Thanks, but no.. I said I really just needed some alone time..

So this is what it's like to be the guy? Wow.. you guys have it kinda tought..

This morning, I got into my car to go to work and there was a CD on my windshield.. He burned it, drove from Cary to Raleigh and dropped it off last night.. Which makes me wonder if he’s been doing the whole drive by my house thing.. or if he peeked in my windows. *shudder* There was a note (of course there was..) it listed the songs and his “reason” for including it.. sometimes he just included snippets of the lyrics that "moved him when he thought about me"..

Allow me to remind you, it has been exactly 3 weeks since our first date.. and we have seen each other 5 times.. and we have not had sex…

It was titled “Love Songs for Jenn”.. Allow me to provide you with a sample of the contents of the note:

Blink 182 – First Date “ Let’s make this last forever and ever..”

John Denver – Love Again

Sk8r Boi “Sorry girl but you missed out.. too bad you couldn’t see the man this boy would be.. there is more than meets the eye, I see the soul that is inside..”

Carbon Leaf – “Live a life less ordinary with me..”

Rod Stewart – Have I told you lately… “No comment, except…”

Proclaimers – 500 Miles – “too much to say about this one”

Cue the shower scene music from Psycho..

All in all there were 20 songs and 20 little “why they remind me of you” statements..

As soon as I got to work, I emailed him and said it’s over.. I know he got the email because he deleted me from his friend list on My Space.. Yeah, that hurt..

In short, I realized 3 things:

1. I am going to have to move into a new house and possibly enter the Witness Protection Program. I am creeped out beyond the telling of it.. Romance should not cause your skin to crawl.

2. The law of Karma dictates that the next man I date will be a abusive alcoholic with a stubborn venereal disease picked up due to his bad habit of banging hookers while vacationing in Thailand..

3. I am not a hearts and flowers kind of girl.. I like manly smart-asses who are not weak stomached and who will kill bugs, do the driving and have no problem with pulling my hair and taking charge in bed.

I’m going to hell.. I know it.. But again, it was 3 weeks.. He was a really nice guy.. I just don’t want to end up chained in his basement..

So… Drinks at the pub this weekend??

posted by Monet @ 4:00 PM