The Rambling RedHead

The Wish List

I have had comment after comment about how picky women are, about how we seem to want this impossible combination of great looks, romance, sensitivity, success, brains, awe inspiring genitalia and charisma.. It’s right about here that Kansas will say something along the lines of “What? I’m right here, they can all stop looking.. Plenty of me to go around...”.. apparently, being called “the dating equivalent of a palate cleanser” was not his idea of a compliment..

But I digress..

What exactly am I looking for? Or rather, what have I been going on all these dates for the last 2 years in the hopes of finding? There are the obvious details such as must like kids, must not want me to have any more kids, must be a church goer, no felony convictions.. They say the Devil is in the details.. So what are my details? What am I really looking for? This is one of my older articles I wrote about a year and a half ago.. I have updated parts of it, but by and large it remains intact..

Cue the theme from Fantasy Island, please..

Looks. I personally don't have a "type".. I am a sucker for an accent, but typically that only lasts as long as the beer does.. If you lined up every man I’ve been really involved with or even just dated side by side, there is no common thread that runs among them.. I suspect that is because I almost never have a very strong physical attraction to anyone initially.. The sparks usually develop for me after some conversation.. Looks truly aren’t everything... For example, The Suspect’s occasionally run into friend of a friend, let’s call him Lyman the Limey, out on the town. This guy is, by any standards, a damn good looking guy.. Tall, broad shoulders, blonde hair, blue eyes, great smile.. And then he opens his mouth and you realize he’s an asshole. Everything he says is a put down or rude or obnoxious. He’s completely misogynistic towards all women and thinks himself God’s gift.. Most of the Vixen’s run when we see him coming. No wonder he’s still single.. The thing that’s most attractive about a man is when they don’t realize how really attractive they are.. A certain amount of self-deprecating humor is a very attractive feature.. Not false modesty but genuine humility.. However, if I had to pick a single important physical trait in a man, it would be physical fitness.. If a man cares enough to take care of his own body, he might just be willing to take care of mine.. That and there’s just something about a guy who likes to get all sweaty and be active.. It’s much more appealing than the couch slug, Al Bundy type.

The Mind: There has to be charm and a great personality.. The older I get, the more important this becomes.. Having spent most of my life surrounded by smart-asses , it's not just personality, but the ability to engage in quick witted conversation, sharp verbal banter and make with the snappy comeback.. Any guy that can’t keep up with the conversation and provide witty repartee is just not going to get anywhere with me. I also like a man that’s genuinely smart. Not necessarily book smart, but intelligent. I need to be able to hold a conversation about things going on, life, hobbies, etc and know that my companion will not lose my interest.. I remember a date I went on last summer with a cop (and before anyone can ask, it was not part of a plea bargain).. At one point, when we were talking about my upcoming trip to Romania and it being a former communist country, I made a reference to “glasnost”.. My date sort of looked a bit puzzled and then said that he’d always wanted to go there since his dad’s family was Scottish. Oh. My. God. He was referring to Glasgow. And they give him a gun? There was no second date.

Romance. Why is this concept so difficult for most men to comprehend? I've never understood why it is so hard for men to grasp the notion that if you pick up a Hallmark card and grab a $4.99 bunch of mixed flowers from the Harris Teeter floral section and show up on her doorstep any day of the year when gifts are not mandatory, you are almost guaranteed non-stop sex that night.. Buy her any kind of jewelry when it’s not Valentines, her birthday or Christmas and a blow job is practically guaranteed. Heck, you may get outfits and access to areas on her body previously considered off limits. I'd probably chip a tooth trying to gnaw through a zipper if any one I was dating ever showed up with flowers or a card in hand when there wasn’t an apology involved.. I have never dated anyone that I would classify as romantic, which just goes to show, once again, my system for screening the men I date has got vast room for improvement. Romance does not have to be expensive.. A bubble bath after a hard day, candles, favorite take out, watching a chick-flick without making a single derogatory comment, a back rub, a glass of wine on the deck listening to music, walks at sunset.. Of course, jewelry and the surprise island getaway are lovely gestures that would be highly appreciated but most women are so used to not being romanced that we're terribly easy to impress.. That’s also why we women get so upset when men aren’t romantic.. It’s not hard, it’s not expensive.. There are step by step books on how to be romantic. When a guy makes no effort at romance, the message is you’re not worth the effort.

Sexuality. In terms of a relationship, sexual compatibility is probably a top priority. You can't be a once a day girl dating a once a month guy... This is just asking for disaster.. Trust me, I speak from experience.. And despite my early flippancy regarding size of the male genitalia, size is a somewhat flexible requirement.. And the more flexible the guy, the less size he requires.. A man who is willing to push boundaries, be open to fantasy and is generous with the foreplay wins out over size any day.. An enjoyment of latex, handcuffs and spanking is a real bonus. Also, for the most part, with most women, oral skills are non-negotiable. The best sexual relationship I ever had was with a man who genuinely enjoyed being a “giver”.. And conversely, the biggest sign I ever received that the sexual relationship wasn’t going to work was when the gentleman I was dating confessed that “going down” was something that he thought should be saved for special occasions and should not be required every time. Foreplay is for special occasions? Abandon ship.. The reality is, if you make it to Happily Ever After, you’re going to grow old together and eventually, the wild monkey sex days are going to taper off a bit.. My thought is that, yes, that is an inevitable part of growing older but it should not be a problem until I am old. For the next 20 years, I want a happy, fulfilling and active sex life filled with variety. And if that variety happens to include fun and games with costumes and “safe words”, then hey, I’m just that much happier. The baby pool filled with motor oil, the pygmy goat, feather boa, jar of mini gherkins and the theme from Mighty Mouse are all optional props.

Money. I don’t give a damn what a guy makes. Never have. My theory is any woman who is interested in a man’s stocks isn't someone that man should be putting stock into.. I can take care of myself, my kids and still have enough left over for the occasional designer footwear purchase. All I really want is a guy with an actual job that pays well enough so he can afford to go out with me on the weekend and do some traveling.. I gotta confess, the idea of a guy surprising me with thoughtful gifts or whisking me away for that romantic weekend in the islands is not without it's appeal but when you’ve paid for your own engagement ring and your wedding band came from a pawn shop, your expectations tend to be a bit low.. I’m not sure I would know how to behave in a relationship where I wasn’t the breadwinner and not in charge of all the money.. I’ve always been fascinated by these women who find men to take care of them and lavish them with gifts.. Where do they find them? I was on a date once with a guy I’ll call Tight Wad Bob.. It was our 3^rd date and he picked me up, drove us to Bogart’s ordered a $30 bottle of wine, appetizers and the most expensive entrée on the menu and then tells me that he thinks dating should be an equal partnership and seeing as he paid for the first two dates, would I pay for this dinner?. Did I mention our first date was coffee at Starbuck’s and the second one was appetizers and drinks at the pub which were all but free thanks to Gerry? I sat there stunned for a second, then flagged the waiter down, cancelled my order and proceeded to tell Tight Wad that no, I didn’t think I should pay for dinner when he was the one who had asked me out and that, irregardless, the date was over. He started to say something but I cautioned him if he said one more word, I would not heistate to make a scene that would leave him emotionally scarred for life and possibly banned from Bogart's.. And while our first 2 dates didn't teach him about manners it apparently taught him to be afraid of my temper... He sat down and, presumably, finished the bottle of wine by himself.

So in summary, I’ve been looking for a physically fit, employed, charming smart-ass with a voracious sexual appetite and enough money to spring for the occasional pizza and a Hallmark card.. Instead I’ve seen a parade of commitment phobic, emotionally anorexic, cheap, narcoleptic liars and bad drunks come traipsing through my life. The few decent men that have made their mark inevitably were poorly suited to long term relationships due to our fundamental differences in life goals such as marriage, living arrangements and kids.. Just about the time a girl would begin to despair, just about the time anyone would be ready to throw in the towel, something marvelous happens. Or rather, someone..

posted by Monet @ 9:42 PM