The Rambling RedHead

17 Bad Dates.... Part 1

In The Between Boyfriend's Book, the author submits the hypotesis that you have to go on 17 bad dates after a break-up before you get to have a good one.. To test this theory during a dry spell late last Spring, for purely scientific purposes, I decided track my own dating progress over approximately 30 days to see how long it took me to get to the "good man" part of the equation.. Or to get through 17 dates, whichever came first..

Before I could begin to chronicle my disastrous dating experiences, I had to determine the appropriate starting point. That Spring I had ended things with The Mad Scotsman and then had 3 very promising dates with someone new before that abruptly ended (insert yada, yada, yada, here). Do I start counting with the end of my relationship with The Mad Scotsman or the end of my not-quite-a-relationship-but-it-was-fun thing?? I decided to start my quest with the date that ended the not-quite-a-relationship.

Further, I decided to couple this quasi-scientific experiment with a foray into the world of online dating.. My theory was if I was going to have to endure 17 bad dates, let’s make sure they were *really* bad dates. Enter The Yahoo Personals. Also known as Dating Hell.

I know, I know, online dating seems so, I don’t know, desperate? Shady?? Dangerous?? Yes to all of the above. But frankly, the look of panic on men's faces when they hear "2 kids" prompted me to be willing to go the online route.. At least this way, all my baggage is right out there so anyone that has a problem with it won't waste my time. It's the equivalent of wearing a dating biohazard sign.

Here we go..

1. My promising beginning came to an abrupt end over dessert at Ben and Jerry's, forever altering my high regard for Berry Berry Extrordinary forever.

2. Dinner with Kansas.. Technically it probably doesn't count as a date b/c we are just friends and the evening in question also occurred the day before I got dumped but the fact that he spent the whole night flirting with AJ while I was making him dinner for his birthday was annoying enough for me to decide to count it anyways.

3. Went out dancing on Cinqo de Mayo with Marco, the Vixen’s 22 year old boy-toy. He is just possibly the best dancer I have ever met. He could give my Evil Twin Jared a run for his money. I decided it counts as a date because he paid for the drinks and there was some naughty dancing involved. The fact that I could have babysat for him while I was still in college eliminated any chance of him being anything other than an incredible ego boost..

4. Drinks with a Todd from Yahoo personals. Nice guy, 2 kids, church goer, lots of promise.. We met for drinks at a local restaurant.. At the risk of losing points, I have to say it wasn't a bad date, I just felt absolutely no sparkage between us.. But he was such a nice guy, I agreed to a future date.

Ladies and Gentlemen, right about here is where the dating took a turn for the strange and unusual.. Apparently God did not like me counting Kansas as a date or dancing with a 22 year old and decided to smite me for my actions.

5. Dinner with a Huge, Drunk, Obnoxious Redneck. This was not a date of my choice. This was supposed to be Dani's wedding weekend (which obviously did not happen) so we did what any sensible women in that situation do. We left town. Friday night she hit it off with a cute boy and suckered me into flying wingman for his friend for dinner on Saturday. The dinner was actually not that bad but after it was over and we headed to a bar, HDOR proceeded to get pretty schockered and chase away every remotely eligible cute guy within a 10 foot radius. What is the female equivalent of cock-blocking? Boob-blocking?? Whatever it was, he excelled at it. I called it a night at 10:00 and went back to the hotel in favor of some soft core porn on the Oxygen channel.

6. Dinner with James also of Yahoo personals. This is where we get to the heart of the problem with online dating.. The lack of "truthiness".. After several witty and sharply written emails and the exchange of pictures, I pushed for a face to face meeting. At that point he back pedaled and suggested I might be disappointed in him.. This set the alarm bells to ringin' and the red flags a wavin'.. And with good reason.. When he arrived to pick me up, it became obvious that the pictures were not at all recent.. This was an individual who described himself as athletic and sent pics of himself with what appeared to be a 32' waist.. That was probably about 70 lbs ago.. I am not shallow by any stretch of the imagination but, damn.. That's just false advertising.. I would assume most men would be pissed if I touted myself as a tall, busty blonde who sports C cups and then showed up looking like, well, me.. Not that "me" is bad, but it ain't a tall, busty blonde with C cups.. You might think this was what sank the deal for this guy, but actually, the deal breaker was his admission that he was a Jehovah's Witness.. 2 words: Nail and Coffin.

7. Movie at Kansas’ house. Another "technically this is not a date" but we did have wine and watch a movie. I count it because I went over to his place to watch said movie after my disastrously uncomfortable date with James from Yahoo. I think it counts as there was a drink involved and I double booked for the same night.. Essentially the platonic hang out rides on the coattails of the lousy date. Kansas is the dating equivalent of a palate cleanser.. That's a fair play in my rule book. I was hoping God would understand and allow me to count it.

8. I had a 15 minute make-out session with a bar boy, after he gave me a ride home from downtown. This might be gray area in the use of the word "date" but he did buy me several drinks, we spent about an hour hanging out and there was kissing involved.. I blame the free Miller Lite and my enforced celibacy..

9. Second date with Yahoo Todd at the local comedy club.. This has to count as a bad date, not because of my companion but the comedian.. I have no race relations issues but the fact is I am a itty bitty white girl.. We went to see Patrice O'Neal.. Bear in mind, I am used to the foul mouths of Irish bartenders and dated a Scotsman with Tourettes for over a year so precious little offends or bothers me but even this was a bit much.. The performance was so foul, raunchy, racist and profane that I was actually embarrassed. That's saying something.. I felt bad for Todd b/c I think he was mortified that the show was beyond comedic or risqué.. At one point it was just this guy shouting "N" this and "mother fucker" that .. I couldn't tell where the profanity ended and the jokes began.. I don't actually think there were any jokes.

10. The Inevitable Sex with the Ex.. Yeah, yeah, yeah.. I ended up giving into my hormones and allowing my libido to take the wheel for a night. What the hell.. Given that The Mad Scotsman and I remained friends, I just considered it a naked walk down memory lane. What can I say? Celibacy doesn't suit me.

Next week: Narcolepsy, Matlock and Felons, Oh My!!

posted by Monet @ 11:03 AM