The Rambling RedHead

Festive Festivities

What a lovely holiday!

Christmas Eve was a wonderful, family filled day! My sister's family joined us by about 8:00am and the kids proceeded to just go absolutely wild on us, as they are supposed to.. I decided to take my own advice and the boys and I baked a batch of cookies that we took to the firestation that serves our neighborhood.. We dropped them by and I made the boys say "Thank You and Merry Christmas" to the firefighters working there.. It was really great, too.. 2 of the guys that were working took us into the station and let the boys climb on the fire truck, turn on the lights, try on helmets and check out the gear.. I thought it was really neat that they let them do that.. They actually asked if we wanted to join them for lunch but we had to decline as the family was waiting on us.. I have to say I was very impressed.. These were some genuinely nice guys who were really great with the kids.. I think Zack is actually considering the whole fire-fighting as a career at this point..

On a completely non-holiday related note, I am curious about something.. Does the RFD require all candidates to submit a head shot and modeling portfolio when they apply?? Because, damn.. I went home and asked my dad if we could start a fire, you know, just a small one that wouldn't really damage the house but might require a visit from the fire department?? Kidding.. I have not yet sunk to arson as a method for meeting men.. Yet.. It was funny, tho.. It completely remindedme of that episode from Sex and The City where Miranda asks "Why are fire men all so damn cute?? Is it the hero thing??".. Carrie points out "Well, first off, there's a weight limit.." All kidding aside, it is nice to meet men you can label "A Good Guy", married, single, engaged, it's really irrelevant.. These are a bunch of guys whose whole job is to be ready to be a hero and save lives.. That's kinda cool..

But I digress..

After the cookie trip with the boys it was time for our annual Father Daughter Holiday Bonding Experience.. Each year my dad, my sister and I all go get pedicures to celebrate the birth of Christ.. Usually, my dad sticks to a natural pedicure but this year, we talked him into something a little different.. Green and Red.. My dad rocks.. You gotta admit, it's got style..

The rest of the day was stock and standard, the kids got way too much stuff as usual.. We opened presents and sang Christmas carols.. We're really very Walton-esque at Christmas.. I got a new bathrobe and slippers, a gift card to get a massage, gift card for skin care at Belk's, new cookware and new plates, dishes and bowls (I think the family is trying to give me a hint).. The boys got me a gift certificate for PF Chang's and 2 tickets to see Chicago in January.. Alex came over after dinner with the family and we got the boys to bed and then had to get "Santa" set up... 2 1/2 hours and a bottle of wine later and we were done..

The boys got up in the morning and were delighted in everything Santa left, including the CSI Fingerprint Kit for Zack so he can stay out of Mommy's make-up from now on.. After a leaisurely morning watching movies and playing with toys, the boys were off to their Dad's for Christmas, The Sequel.. And I headed over to AJ's to prepare for the massive feast-ivities..

There was a fantastic turnout.. Me, AJ, Jenny Barnes, Kansas, Big Brother, Jim, JD, Geoff, Debbie, Vixen-in-Training Kellie and even Alex and Xander stopped by for an hour or so.. It was a wonderful night filled with laughter, wine, friendship and eventually Kareoke.. Don't ask.. However, I am making the Official Vixen Proclamation that JD is no longer invited unless he leaves his camera at home.. Yikes.. Miss Kellie, yes, you are officially a Vixen in Training.. You've definitely got the right stuff, babe..

Hope everyone else had a fantastic holiday and that you're all well rested and ready to start the New Year off with a bang! Sadly, Dani will be out of town for New Year's, but she will be sorely missed, just as she was at the Christmas Hootenanny Cavalcade of Holiday Fun, Food and Festivities..

New Year's Resolutions... Mine? The first draft includes:

Go back to Hot Yoga on a regular basis
Plan my next mission trip to Romania
Cook more for my kids and do less take out
Buy my own frikkin' house
Take at least one vacation out of Raleigh
Find my "White Pony", after all, I think I've learned my lessons..
(That last one's for you, AJ..)

Have a good one, Gang..

posted by Monet @ 11:24 AM 2 comments

The Rambling RedHead's Holiday Message

2005 was the worst year of my life.
I lost my job, went through an ugly custody battle, teetered on the brink of financial ruin, had 2 separate biopsies for 2 separate cancers, became homeless and after ending my year long relationship with The Mad Scotsman, embarked on the longest stretch of soul sucking loneliness in my life and endured the most horrific dating experiences known to man. At times the impetus to hurl myself in front of a speeding truck was exceedingly strong. The only reason I am alive to celebrate the holidays is because of my friends, my family and my faith.

My Friends: The Suspects, The Vixen's and The Rest of The List..
Throughout the year, Cora, AJ, Dani, Big Brother and Kansas have done more than they know in terms of providing me with a will to live. Just knowing that I have these amazing people supporting and loving me has made each day bearable. I hope that each of them knows how truly blessed I feel to have them in my life. Also worth noting are the many, many other people that provide such light and love in my life through friendship, social acquantences and support of my literary aspirations.. Thanks to each of you for allowing me to ramble..

My Family: My Wild Monkeys
My wildly funny, amazing, brilliant, challenging, beautiful boys provided me with a reason to get out of bed each day and face whatever I encountered head on. Every time I started to feel overwhelmed, my boys would do or say something that refocused my perspective on what defines success and happiness. There is nothing in the world that chases away the despair having a butt naked 4 year old run through the middle of the kitchen yelling “Touch my monkey!!” at the top of his lungs.. I challenge anyone to remain depressed after seeing that.

My Faith: The Reason for the Season
Most importantly, I have my faith. My faith is such an integral part of who I am and who I am becomming and yet, it makes people so uncomfortable when I speak of it. I actually ended an almost 20 year friendship in August because this person, an avowed athiest, could not accept my faith and my love of God. This broke my heart and yet once again pointed out a glaring hypocrisy in life.. People are completely at ease hearing vile racist, sexual, political humor and yet the minute anyone speaks of faith, people become distinctly uncomfortable.. I do not pressure anyone to accept my beliefs nor is it a condition of my love for anyone, however, to ask me to not speak of the thing that sustains me is something I simply cannot do, certainly not during this holy season of preparation and renewed wonder in the miracle of God.

At times during the year, I once again found myself spiraling into “Why me??” mentality. Each financial set back, each argument with the ex, each time I was passed over for a job opening, each call from the doctor that began with “We’re going to need you to come back into the office for some more tests..”, each gut-wrenchingly bad date and each morning I woke up alone would chip away at my soul. Yet, every time I felt myself being pushed towards my threshold for despair, I would recall and cling to the words of one of my oldest and dearest friends, Kendrick, who once told me “If He brought you to it, He’ll get you through it.”

My focus for 2006 is to use JOY in setting priorities. Jesus – Others – Yourself.. For my darling Jewish and Pagan friends, feel free to change it to the GOY principle (God/dess, Others and Yourself). Prayer was my life-raft in a sea of despair. My church community gave me a like minded group of people with which to draw closer to God. Service opportunities in my church challenged me to focus not on myself and what I thought I needed but on the true needs of others. My Education for Ministry class is giving me a deeper understanding of the Bible and the church and preparing me for more significant service commitments in the future. My Stephen Ministry class is giving me the skills and resources to help those who are truly in crisis, to help them cling to the very life-raft that I did in my own times of trouble. My trip to Romania set my heart on a mission path that will lead me back out of the country again and again to seek to ease the suffering of the children of our world who lack the blessings and opportunities that we take so very much for granted.

My Challenge to Each of You for 2006:
I encourage everyone, regardless of the faith you have or don’t have, to attempt to live your life a little less selfishly in the coming year. I challenge each of you to give the most precious gift of all, the gift of yourself. Volunteer for something you believe in. Donate whatever you can to whatever charity you are drawn to. Do something that makes a difference, no matter how small, in the world. No one can do it all, but everyone should be doing something. Put others first. Let someone go ahead of you in line. Smile at cashiers. Do something for the one you love without any expectations in return. Take homemade cookies by your local fire or police station and say thank you to the men and women who keep us safe in our homes and communities. Send a letter to someone in the armed forces as gratitude for defending the principles and freedom of our nation. Tell someone you love them without fear or hesitation. Act foolish to make a child laugh. There are no excuses for inaction and I beg each of you to allow yourself to be compelled to simply act with love towards your fellow man.

All things happen for a reason. Trite but true. After this most trying year of my life, filled with struggles, disappointments, loneliness and despair, I am more convinced than ever that God has a purpose for each and every one of us. I know that no matter what I am going through, He will bring me to the place I need to be. After all, look how far I’ve come this year! I have a job that I absolutely love that has allowed me to make a rapid financial recovery. My biopsies came back as non-cancerous and helped me realize that I should be taking better care of myself. Additionally, when faced with the possibility of a genuinely serious illness, I realized how much I truly love my life and the world I live in. My legal troubles have ended and I am actually somewhat getting along with my ex for the first time in years. I have had both my parents and my dear friend AJ generously provide me with shelter and a roof over my head and I am looking forward to purchasing my own home in the early Spring. Beyond the resolutions of my various troubles, I remain blessed to have the foundation of my soul, my friends, my family and my faith. Given all the many blessings that God has brought to me out of the depths of dejection, I have to believe that having recklessly, gloriously passionate love in my life again can’t be far behind. I have faith that I will love and be loved by someone who thinks I am amazing.

And Finally:
During this holiday season, take time to embrace the notion that it is better to give than receive and that true love can conquer all. God works miracles. Trust me on this. Hard as it is to believe, there are personal things about my life that I do not share with the blog population in general. There are some things that only The Suspects, and sometimes that only Cora, Dani and AJ know about. I have seen God’s miracles in action in my life very recently. Things have happened for me that could not have been affected without the deliberate hand of God at work. Try, for just a minute, to believe in miracles. Give of yourself with abandon and passion. You only get back from life what you put into it.

Love without fear and live without regret.

Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Blessed Solstice, and a joyous Festivus.

posted by Monet @ 6:02 PM 2 comments

God Isn't Listening..

Awhile back, I had this very bizzare encounter with a strange and disturbed gentleman while running out at Lake Lynn which I chronicled in Flypaper for Freaks. I had asked God to never allow our paths to cross again, you know, as a special favor to me.. Well, God isn't listening..

Today, after spending 3 hours at the Doctor's Urgent Care taking my Wee Monkey in for what turned out to be strep throat, the ex and I were famished. I told him to drop me off at this coffee house that makes great wraps and go get the Monkey some Burger King while I grabbed some sammiches.. I got to the counter, placed my order and then heard "Well, hello again!".. I turned and, dear God, there he was.. Seriously Insane Biker Boy.. Fuck..

The conversation that followed went like this:

SIBB: You never wrote me after Alive After Five.. What happened?

Me: Well, I started dating someone and it got pretty serious pretty quick and I just didn't think it would be right to get in touch with you.

SIBB: I can understand that. I've been dating 2 girls kind of off and on but I know I don't want to marry either one of them. So, how about if I take you out to dinner one night this week for Christmas?

Me: That's really nice of you, but my boyfriend and I are still together so I don't think that would be a good idea.

SIBB: I don't see a ring on your finger, so that means you are still free to see anyone you want.

Me: I really don't think he would see it that way.. Besides, he's the violently jealous type.

SIBB: Still, you're not engaged or anything, you should keep your options open.

Me: Well, actually, I'm not supposed to know this but my best friend told me he took her out looking for rings for me so I suspect that I will be engaged by Christmas or New Years (Thought Going Through My Head: How long does it take to make 2 fucking sandwiches?? I'm dying out here!!)

SIBB: Well, tell you what, here's my card.. If you don't get a ring for Christmas, give me a call and I'll see if I can get you one by Valentines and if nothing else, maybe we can hang out and I can give you a reason to re-think the engagement. You're really beautiful and have it together. I'd really like to have you in my life..

Me: Thanks. Oh, look, here's my order.. Good to see you again.. Take care.. Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukkah, Blessed Solstice.. Gotta go.. Bye.. No really, no need to walk me out..

I think I just got a marriage proposal at a sandwich shop.

Which, being that it was from an insane person, doesn't exactly make my day.. This is the third time I have seen this guy and the third time that I have tried to, as tactfully as possible, tell him there's not a snowballs chance in hell that I will ever go out with him. Hello, Crazy Guy? Can you hold this hint? I need to hit it with this sledgehammer..

Now, this isn't the first time I've invented a boyfriend to get out of a sticky or awkward situation but it is the first time I felt the need to escalate my imaginary relationship to matrimony.. A new low in being single! Woo Hoo!

So the moral of the story is God is not really going to bat for me with Seriously Insane Biker Boy which means I am going to have to rely on my friends.. As I told my beloved Kansas tonight, I am officially putting all Usual Suspects on alert. If we are ever out on the town and I suddenly cling to you like a flotation device at sea and introduce you to someone as my fiancee, please, just roll with it.. Start rambling on about our wedding, the tuxes we've picked out and how you own firearms and have connections to the mob.. Whatever it takes..

Thank you in advance.

posted by Monet @ 12:04 AM 2 comments

The RedHead Rules.. Or the "I'm too old for this shit" Rules..

The Rules.. The book that became a whole dating movement for women several years ago.. This is the Dating Bible for a number of people, including my beloved roomie, AJ. The typical reaction was to either love it or hate it. Tons of women swear by it, including AJ, who is forever telling me how my actions in a relationship are “against The Rules” and are the reason why I have not found true love.. Don’t repeatedly call him with your number blocked.. Stop driving by his house 20 times a day with “My Heart Will Go On” blaring out the windows.. Quit stealing his mail.. You must stay a minimum of 100 yards from the Plaintiff under penalty of jail time.. Blah, blah, blah.. Why is dating so hard??

I actually did read The Rules at AJ’s insistence and my reaction wasn’t love or hate, it was amusement: “No, really? Is this supposed to be funny? No? How about that.. Because this is some funny shit..”. Don't talk to a man first, Don't call him and rarely return his calls, Don't stare at men, Don't accept Saturday dates after Wednesday, Stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentines, Don't tell him what to do, etc., etc..

The whole basis for the book are these manipulative strategies that are designed to get and keep his attention.. Strategies like “Never call a guy” just mystify me.. Well, damn.. How am I supposed be certain that the 911 dispatcher is going to be a female? Am I just supposed to let my house burn to the ground b/c I don’t want to seem too forward by calling the fireman?? Frankly, my own personal strategy for keeping his attention involves handcuffs, full nudity, a feather boa some mini-gerkin pickles and the theme from Mighty Mouse.. My lawyer says I can’t go into anymore detail.. It’s a trade secret… and the charges are still pending..

I remember sitting out on the deck with AJ when I reached the "intimacy" rule and knew without a doubt that I would never be a Rules Girl: Rule #15: Never sleep with a man for at least the first month and it is preferable that you wait at least 3.. I looked up at AJ and said “You mean I have to go without sex for 3 months? What if at the end of the waiting period he’s lousy in bed? How about instead I just go ahead and sleep with him on the first date, that way, even if he’s a bastard, at least I got laid and eliminated him straight away??”.. Poor AJ, she despairs for me.

I wanted to share a bit of my own personal insight about The Rules.. Below are excerpts from the actual Rules website. These are the Top 10 Rules and my personal commentary on them..

No seriously, do guys really fall for this shit??

Rule: 1 Be a creature unlike any other.. Being a creature unlike any other is really an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance that permeates your being from head to toe. It's the way you smile (you light up the room), pause in between sentences (you don't babble on out of nervousness), listen (attentively), look (demurely, never stare), breathe (slowly), stand (straight) and walk (briskly, with your shoulders back). When a relationship doesn't work out, you brush away a tear so that it doesn't smudge your makeup and you move on!

That’s a lot of pressure.. Your smile has to light up the room? I’m thinking something along the lines of the Uncle Fester with the light bulb trick.. Or I could try walking around with a Glow Stick stuck in my mouth. We can’t babble or stare AND we have to breathe? Jesus, that’s an awful lot for me to try to remember.. Guys don't like it when you are staring at them babbling incoherently while panting like a dog in July?? What if my meds are off kilter?? It's not like it's my fault..

Brush away a tear so it doesn’t smudge my make-up? Excuse me while I go vomit.. I’ll try to not muss my lip-gloss in the process. I think the last time I cried over a guy was when I gave birth to him.

Rule 2: Show up at parties, dances and social events even if you don’t feel like it.. Realize that you may not meet Mr. Right naturally and that you therefore must take social action immediately even if you don't want to. Get a manicure and go out on another date or to that singles dance -- do something to increase your chances of meeting men.

“Dances”? As in the Prom? Are they talking about the Saturday Socials at the VFW?? OK, I will actually give them that some of this one is common sense. Men don’t just show up on your doorstep.. Well, actually they do but only if your order exceeds $10. And for an extra $5 most will throw in a foot rub and free cheese sticks.

Rule 3: It’s a fantasy relationship unless the man asks you out.. Don't waste time on a fantasy relationship. You may have a good rapport with your doctor, lawyer or accountant, and you may find yourself wondering if he is interested in you romantically. How can you know for sure? If he's never asked you out, then he's not interested!

Let’s see, my OB/GYN is female, my attorney is female, I am my own accountant.. Not so much. I have an excellent rapport with my doctor but, even if she were a very hot he, wearing a paper gown with your legs in stirrups does not generate romantic images of happily ever after. Usually the thought drifting through my mind is “Slight cramping, my ass. What are you using down there, a machete?”

Rule 4: In an office romance, do not email him back every time he emails you unless it’s business related. On all nonbusiness e-mails, responding once for every four of his e-mails is a good rule of thumb. Remember, you never know who has access to your e-mail, so keep all romance off the screen and save it for Saturday nights.

Does this mean it’s inappropriate to make sweet, sweet love on the conference room table? I do love a good mathematical solution to an emotional problem. Respond only 25% of the time? An informal poll of assorted male Suspects indicated that they might call twice but after that, screw the bitch.. I love my guys..

Rule 5: If you are in a long distance relationship, he must visit you 3 times before you visit him.. Remember, the first three visits are really nothing more than three dates... and on the first three dates we don't have sex with a man or have him stay at our place overnight..

Do they know what the price of gas is these days? The least you can do for the guy if he drives or shells out the bucks for a flight and takes time off his job to see you is reward him with hot, sweaty monkey sex.. Let’s amend that the first time they come to see you, if they drive more than 150 miles to see you, you only owe him a hand job.. Flights are strictly oral gratuity. Second trip is full naked sex. A third trip to see you will require flavored body gels, bondage or spankings.. If he’s come to visit you more than 3 times and you haven’t gone to see him, you may be required to get into some “butt” stuff.. This a gray area.. I’ll write to the authors for clarification and get back to you.

Rule 6: When considering using online or personal ads, you should place the ad and let the man respond to you.. It goes back to the basic premise of The Rules: Man pursues woman. When writing your ad, remember that every man has a type, a voice or a look he likes. There has to be a spark for him that attracts him to you, something that makes him find you unexplainably special.

No way in hell. Have you seen most of the guys in the personal ads?I speak from experience and that is a whole ‘nother article.

Rule 7: If he does not call, he is not that interested. Period. We know this is hard to accept, but it's not that he hasn't called because he's busy, or because you didn't smile or talk enough (or did too much). It's not that he lost your phone number. The bottom line is, if he hasn't called, he's not that interested.

This one, well, I have to give them this one. Frankly, calls, emails and text messages are generally good indicators of interest. If there’s interest, there’s communication. Of course, it’s not like this one really required a Think Tank to figure out, mind you.

Rule 8: Close the deal, Rules women do not date a man for more than 2 years.. If you've followed The Rules, your man probably loves you and wants to marry you. Your problem is not if he marries you, but when! If it's been more than a year, see less of him and think about dating others. You've already spent more than a year waiting for him to propose; do you have another year to wait?

Where’s his bunny rabbit? Got a soup pot handy??.. Hello, psycho! Oh, and love the arrogance: “If you’ve followed The Rules, your man probably loves you and wants to marry you..” OK, my last relationship of over a year ended not because he wouldn’t propose, but because I was worried that he would.

They actually define the timeline for which a man should propose. Thank God.. Now I can quit worrying.. When I start to date a guy I can just hand him a countdown clock (like the Guinness clock they have in the pub counting down to St. Patrick’s day) letting him know exactly how long my love will be available before I expect him to exercise the purchase option with the 2 carat down payment. That’s a load off my mind.

Rule 9: Buyer Beware.. Observe his behavior so you do not end up with Mr. Wrong.. Love may be blind, but Rules girls are not stupid! How does he act in the relationship? Is he cheap on dates? Is he critical of you? Remember, The Rules are not about marrying the first man you are attracted to who calls you by Wednesday for Saturday night and buys you flowers. It's about marrying your own personal Mr. Right -- a man whom you love and whose character you admire and can live with.

So even if he calls, we didn’t have sex for over a month, he brings me flowers and he wants to marry me I have to be on the lookout for things like illicit pornography, the tendency to smack me around when he drinks too much and a predilection for ball gags and hookers?? Where’s the fail safe in this whole program??. Dammit!!

Rule 10: Keep the Rules even when things are going slow.. Take care of yourself, take a bubble bath and build up your soul with positive slogans like "I am a beautiful woman. I am enough."

Somewhere out there is a woman who actually needs a Rule to remind her to bathe when she’s not dating. Her positive slogan should be: “I have enough insurance to cover psychotherapy”

And finally.. You must learn to accept that, as an adult, you can't always rely on a friend to do things with you. Even if you don't meet Mr. Right, going out -- whether it's a restaurant, lecture or party -- is a chance to meet new people and practice The Rules.

We can’t rely on our friends to do things with us? Than what the hell good are they? Isn’t that the point of having friends? Go "practice" The Rules.. Translation: Go find some poor hapless shmuck that you don't want to date or fall in love with and "practice" turning him into a whimpering emasculated shell of a man who believes that I am a coy demure mysterious creature?

Sounds like a healthy first step to divorce.

Nothing like a relationship based on games, manipulation and pretending to be something I'm not. Let's face it gang.. I'm Popeye. I am what I am. I am a girl who likes to call guys. I like to do things for guys when I'm in a relationship. I have a healthy sex drive and I'm not afraid to use it. I don't like to pretend not to like a guy. Patience is not a virtue to me. I have discussed this whole concept exhaustively with The Vixens but the simple fact is it just is not in my nature to do these things. AJ actually is one of those feminine, coy, mysterious creatures. Me? Not so much.. It's not like there's much of a mystery to me.. I like beer, hockey, pubs, reading on the couch, footrubs, laughter during sex, country ham bisquits and people who are as straight forward as I am. Does it mean I may wait a little longer to find the right guy? I really don't know. Any guy that seriously falls for the "push-pull" and the "catch me if you can" stuff is just not likely to be someone I end up respecting enough to want to really be with. In the end, I guess, hit or miss, I only have one real rule: Be Yourself.

And fuck 'em if they can't take a joke

posted by Monet @ 11:03 PM 6 comments

What I've Learned About Men..

So my last real relationship ended about 8 months ago. I have officially hit the longest truly single period I have been through in the last 16 years. Seriously, since the end of my freshman year in college I have not been without a serious boyfriend/fiancee/husband for longer than 6 months. I'm currently sort of seeing someone but it's pretty new and as of yet still fairly undefined. You know, kind of like a Tropical Depression brewing up down in the islands.. You're just not sure which way it's gonna go and all you can do is just sit back and see what develops and how strong it gets..

My beloved roomie AJ is constantly trying to teach me to be a Rules Girl, God belss her.. To not ever initiate contact with a guy, never phone or text first, never suggest getting together, make the guy chase me, act like I don't like him as much as he likes me (the "push-pull") and all sort of other dating guidelines that to me just feels less than natural. Granted, I know it is sound advice, most women follow it, most guys will tell you that's what they want, blah, blah, blah, but the simple fact is, I'm not like most women.. Maybe I'm jaded from too many bad dates or having morally questionable men friends.. Maybe it's being an innocent bystander for several years of dating disasters my girlfriends have had and my own marital history (which, granted, was not a rousing success). Despite AJ's attempts to make me a Rules Girl, I remain, well, just me.

What follows is a summation of the advice, tidbits and sometimes not-so-common sense about men, I have received over the 30+ odd years I’ve been alive that forms the foundation of my dealings with men. Most of this is observation, experiences shared by The Vixens, The male Usual Suspects, personal trial and error and way too many "late nights" at the pub as "one of the guys"... This is the premise with which I set out to traverse the not always smooth dating terrain.

• Men like blowjobs. Lots of blowjobs.
  
• If he doesn’t call after 48 hours from your first date or 24 hours from your first naked encounter, he’s an asshole or just not interested. They know it. We know it. Any man that believes that “wait for 3 days” Swinger’s bullshit is a moron.
  
• "I've been busy" really does translate into "Just not that into you"..
• When it comes to sexual prowess, men under 30 typically provide quantity. Over 30, quality. Younger guys usually can get there more often, older guys actually care that you get there as well. Know what you prefer.
• Most men like beer and they like women who like beer. Specifically, most men like a woman who likes beer and doesn’t make an ass of herself in public when she drinks. Ideally men want a woman who likes to drink beer naked while quietly watching football with them. Men can be deeply stupid.
  
• Ultimately, men tend to like relationships because it means they can quit shelling out money for restaurants, they no longer have to wear outfits that match and there is some form of regular sex involved.
  
• Blowjobs are the secret to a lasting romantic relationship. There is a specific, direct correlation between the amount of blowjobs performed and the amount of romantic gestures performed. Simple math: More blowjobs = More flowers/jewelry/dinners out. If you are providing frequent, quality blowjobs at the beginning of the relationship and there are no romantic gestures, there never will be. That’s just who he is.
• It’s more important to date someone because of who he is not what he does. Be aware that in the end, money does not buy you happiness and love, even if it buys you a 3 carat diamond ring. There are homeless vagrants that have more character and heart than half the yuppie dickheads sucking back Vodka Tonics that bank the 6 figure salary. Title and bank accounts do not go hand in hand with character and integrity.
  
• In this day and age it is not unheard of for a woman to make more than a man she's dating. However, if the man consistently allows you to pay because you make more than he does, he’s going to resent you eventually. Or else you’re the sugar-momma he’s been waiting for. Men under 24 don’t care what you make, as long as there is sex involved. Most consider it a bonus if you pay for everything and they get laid.
  
• If he hasn’t had a girlfriend in a very long time check for the little warning signs he’s a serial killer, closet homosexual or a “workaholic, alcoholic, commitment-phobic fuckwit”. This is not always the case, just be on the look out for things like dead bodies, eccentric weaponry, gay porn, internet addictions and/or a substance abuse problem.
  
• When he says “It’s not you” he means it. It’s not you he wants to date, it’s someone else. Deal with it, leave and don’t make a scene.
  
• Men hate buying flowers and jewelry. Period. That doesn't let them off the hook, just be aware they hate it.
  
• He does not care that your $130 designer footwear matches your outfit perfectly. Actually, he doesn’t care about your shoes at all. Do not be insulted that he doesn’t react with great excitement at your fabulous taste in footwear. In fact, if he does react with great excitement, be afraid. He’s probably gay.
  
• Men generally love stockings and sexy lingerie. Wear them at least once a week. It’s also not playing fair to wear sexy as hell push up bras, miniscule panties and lace top thigh highs the first 6 months you date and then switch to support bras and underpants that give him Grandma flashbacks. That’s called the “bait and switch”.
  
• Men are not mind readers. Most men’s behavior is redundant programming from their last relationship. Yes, just because ‘Becky’ liked it doesn’t mean you do, but how the hell is he supposed to know that if you don’t tell him?
  
• Men don’t like “relationship talk”. Ever. What most men want out of a relationship is to enjoy it, not to talk about it (well, that and lots of blowjobs). When you feel a need to give him tips on your likes and dislikes or you have reached a critical conversation point in the relationship, make it clear, simple and straight to the point. If you tell him point blank what you want and still don't get it, he's probably not the guy for you. Shut up or move on.
  
• Finally, keep in mind, men are people, too. While we sometimes forget it, they do have the same kind of feelings, insecurities and emotional needs that we do. In many ways they have it much harder than us. If we’re uncertain about something, we have girlfriends that we talk to ad nauseum about the details of our relationships and feelings. It is not unheard of for The Vixens to convene over cocktails to spend 3 hours discussing the nature of a single phone call or email. Men just don’t do that with each other, ever. It doesn’t stop them from having the same needs women do; love, companionship, laughter, passion, comfort, trust and respect.
  
• And, of course, lots of blowjobs.
  

Next up.. My Fuckin' Rules.. The "I'm Too Old For This Shit" Guide to Dating Like A Redhead.. Or The Guide To Dating A Redhead..

posted by Monet @ 12:37 AM 4 comments