Bad Milk in Raleigh - Part 3
So, we've got lame ass excuses and crazy drunken phone calls.. Are all the guys I date late night calling morons and sloppy drunks? No, some are just ordinary average guys who pull oridnary average guy shit.. So with that concept firmly in mind, we move on to the third fascinating installment of our series..
Cancel My Subscription, I'm Over Your Issues...
Next there was Rocco, a guy I went out with 3 times over a 3 week period. He seemed like a genuine, straightforward and honest guy, maybe even a bit of a grown-up, I mean, he had a job, he owned furniture, he wasn't on work release from prison.. I actually respected him, something that rarely happens with men I date.. Fast forward to our 4th and last date where he tells me he can’t keep seeing me because he suddenly has “unresolved issues” with his ex-fiancée who happens to live on another continent.. I’m a bit jaded about the dating process and men in general because the thought I had running through my head while he’s explaining how he thinks the world of me, the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” blathering is “Let’s wrap this up now so I can go take a nap.. I’m dumped, I got it. It was 3 dates, I think my heart will heal..Can I go now?..”.. He asked if we could be friends, to which I had my stock and standard reply: "I'm going to have to go with no, sorry, we can't.." .. Most of my previous experiences have led me to conclude that there’s just too much weirdness in being friends after dating, so I typically choose to decline those offers.. He then asks if once he resolves his issues, if we can date again, you know, maybe pick up where we left off.. That's a new-ish twist.. Usually guys just end it and disappear.. I'm not sure what to make of it, but hey, whatever, this is a pretty clean, polite ending and honesty has always counted big with me so I said sure, call me if you get everything resolved and we’ll see.. Of course, as I reflected on this later, I started to see humor in the situation.. Nothing is more appealing or romantic to a girl than knowing you could be the First Runner-Up in the Miss Girlfriend Pageant and might be offered the crown if the original winner is unable to fulfill her duties, what with living on another continent and all.. Oh yeah, that offer is sweeping no one off their feet.. I chalk it up to “He’s Just Not That Into Me” and start my next relationship 6 hours later.. .. No harm, no foul, no hard feelings..
A month or so later I get a casual "What's up?" kind of email from him.. This kicks off a flurry of flirty banter and culminates in meeting for lunch.. Given that we established the "we’re not friends call me when you get your issues resolved" ground rules and, frankly, I’m curious, I agree to lunch to see what’s up. What's up is he still has issues, he just wanted to see me because I’m funny and fun to hang out with.. Uhhhh, ok, what part of the ground rules were not in English? I am not a fan of head games which is exactly what this is starting to strike me as.. At this point, I cross him off my dating card and dive back into the dance pool..
We go to lunch once or twice after that, with him firmly compartmentalized into “lunch buddy / casual acquaintance” role, (because I do enjoy a good sharp-witted lunch companion and I was dating someone else off and on at that point).. Then about a month or so ago, in the middle of the “catching up on our lives” portion of our lunch (this takes place during the salad/appetizer portion of a meal), he suddenly drops into conversation that the ex is coming to town the following week, that once she leaves his issues will be resolved (very important, this is a key phrase here) and he’d like to take me out to lunch or dinner, my schedule permitting the week after that. Hmmm, interesting.. And, after a moment's reflection, kind of insulting.. Was it me or did that presentation come off as "Hey, I might or might not be having “memory lane” sex with the ex all next week.. Once I’ve got that out of my system and/or she leaves the country again, maybe we can talk about dating?” .. The funny thing is, what I initially respected about this guy, his honesty and forthrightness, were the very characteristics that were starting to make him look like a shmuck.. The phrase "need to know" came to mind.. This was not information that I needed to know.. But, given that I’m generally too laid back about dating (AJ swears she is going to shove a copy of The Rules up my ass at the start of my next relationship) I figure, I’ll keep an open mind, give him the benefit of the doubt.. The week passes, no word.. Come Monday, I shoot him an email asking if he's living "issue free" these days.. I receive a surface level reply assuring me I’m not being blown off, complete with the “I’m so busy” excuse (Riiighhhhttt... My absolute favorite excuse of all time..).. I said fine, you’re busy, get back to me when you get free, knowing full well that this will be the last communication I ever voluntarily receive from him.. Again, I'm 34, I know what being blown off looks like.. Telling me I'm not being blown off doesn't make me any less blown off... Much to my utter lack of surprise, 2 weeks later, still no word..
The next Friday, after a cocktail or six with the girls, and no viable dating prospects in sight, I decide it's a good idea to text him to see what's up.. After another flurry of casual text-ing he finally admits that he is not issue free, he's still confused, blah, blah... I make the mistake of asking where that leaves us.. "Let's just be friends.." I sent him a text and asked him to just call me when he gets back.. It was at this time (slightly too late) that I realized this is not the kind of conversation that should be held via text messaging.. Or after AJ's Homemade Kick-Your-Apple Martini's.. Again, it was only 3 dates, I really didn't want this to unnecessarily become a drama.. No reply.. And to the great surprise of no one, least of all me, not a word out of him since.. I officially have labeled this as ‘check mate’ on the mind fuck. Cancel my subscription, babe.
Why This Was Wrong: Look guys, say you go out with a girl a few times and it ends amicably. Consider it a gift. I hate to break it to you, but odds are, she was over it and moved on, maybe even the same day.. She was probably just happy that you didn’t waste too much of her time because, face it, if you’re willing to walk away from someone, they are not the one for you.. Key Point: That's ok.. That's what dating is about.. Some people don't get it.. Not falling in love with someone or just deciding not to continue dating them doesn't make you a bad guy.. Screwing with someones head because you can't seem to get yours out of your ass does.. In fact, if you keep throwing the hook out there to see if you can still reel ‘er in, you're basically a shmuck.. It’s also generally tacky and unnecessary to go into details about that someone else that you can’t let go of.. Guys, listen closely to this, please: We. Don’t. Care. If you’re not dating us, we don’t want or need to know much more.. Honesty, always the best policy, of course, but there is a line between being honest and just being an ass.. We don't need to know details about someone else who isn't us that you want to date. And it's manipulative game-playing to tell a person that you want to revisit the issue of dating and/or engage in flirty emailing when you are not sure or are not actually free to pursue dating.. It's what knocks you from “genuine and straightforward” to “total mind fuck”. So please, gentlemen, keep in mind, we women are made of pretty strong stuff.. We don't break easily.. But repeated emotional assaults on even the toughest of women can wear down our resolves, leave us fragile and wounded and possibly drive us to marginally violent acts like ripping out your ribcage and wearing it for a hat.. And the fun part is there's not a jury of *our peers* (30-something, single women with disappointing dating histories) that will ever convict us..
Next up: The Roommate / Friend Switch.. Kansas and Reynaldo, a double whammy of fun and frivolity.
Have a good one, Gang..
Scopes by Kansas.. Anger Management Much??
After receiving so much guidance from the Scopes, Kansas decided to take his best shot at writing his own.. I suspect that anger management and/or sex with an actual partner would probably improve his outlook considerably.. After reading this, much like myself, you'll probably have a slightly clearer picture of why we didn't work out.. But hey, you gotta love him..
And for those who find this brand of sarcasm and wit as delicious as The Suspects do, please come show your support and join us at Borders in Cary this Saturday (Sept. 10th) at 1:00 for Tim's book signing.. The Vixens will be there in all their freshly pedicured glory..
Astrology According to Tim (aka Kansas)
Aquarius (Jan 23 – Feb 22) - You have a creative and progressive mind. However, you repeatedly make the same mistakes because you’re a blithering moron. You are a prolific bullshit artist. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23 – March 22) – Your adventurous soul leads you to believe that most people are crybabies and pussies. You are quick to berate others, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss people off. You are a prick.
Aries (March 23 – April 22) - You have passable charm and a slight influence over others, but people resent you for flaunting this power. You are haunted by paranoia and think the CIA is trying to kill you. You lack confidence; self-respect and have little to no dignity. You are a complete dickweed.
Taurus (April 23 – May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You are completely dedicated workaholic. You are tortured by feelings of inadequacy and suffer from imposter syndrome. People think you are neurotic, stubborn and unrealistic. You are nothing but a communist in need of heavy medication.
Gemini (May 23 – June 22) - You are witty and intelligent. People like you because you are bisexual and easy. You are a cheap bastard who expects too much for too little. You’d enjoy incest and bestiality if it weren’t for those pesky laws.
Cancer (June 23 – July 22) - You are an empathetic soul who has a gift for internalizing people’s problems. This makes you a sucker. You are lazy, tend to procrastinate, and typically ignore your own needs. If free, you are likely on welfare. If imprisoned, which is far more likely, you are probably someone’s bitch.
Leo (July 23- August 22) – You have a very high opinion of yourself and think you are destined for greatness. Others consider you a jag-off. You are a loud-mouthed bully who cannot handle constructive feedback. Your arrogance is disgusting and debilitating to those around you. You are a thieving motherfucker who enjoys masturbation more than sex.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) - You crave logic and avoid disorder at all costs. Your nit-picking perfectionism may one day get you killed. You are cold, detached and completely devoid of feelings. You often fall asleep during sex.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – You are an unrealistic artist type who is completely self-absorbed. Your chances for legitimate, gainful employment are almost nonexistent. Libra men are hooked on cyber porn. Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22) – You are shrewd, calculating corporate cocksuckers who cannot be trusted. You will achieve greatness due to a total lack of ethics. Scorpios are scumbags and most are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) - You are a delusionally happy asshole who doodles incessantly and dots his “I”s with little hearts. You are careless in all aspects of life and tend to rely on your luck because you have no talent or brains. Most Sagittarius are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.
Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 22) – You are painfully risk adverse and really have no business being on the planet. There has never been a Capricorn of any consequence. It’s best you kill yourself straight away and hope for reincarnation.
MacLoughlin's Game, Tim Toterhi's latest novel are on sale now at:
http://www.trebleheartbooks.com/WDToterhi.html
Other books can be found at www.timtoterhi.com
SPF ??? The Numbers Game
And then he asked the infamous question "What's your number?".. Yeah, right, like anyone ever answers that question with any degree of honesty past the age of 18.. Actually, we lie no matter what age we are at.. There may be a perfect month when we're, say 23, when we've only had maybe 2 serious boyfriends, 2 sort of boyfriends, that one night stand at the Chi Phi Purple Jesus mixer and the sum total of our sexual partners is enough to give us age appropriate bedroom credibility but not so high as to cause jaws to drop.. Then the next week the serious boyfriend cheats on you, you flunk chem class and your grandmother dies, your self-esteem and sense of security takes a nose dive and you somehow manage to triple your number inside of a month as you reel from the emotional trauma of it all while desperately grasping at any port in the storm.. Ummm, that happened to a friend of mine.. No, really, a “friend”.. I guarantee you at least half the women who read this will identify with that phenomenon.. After that, there's no going back and you just never tell the truth again.. So what's my number? I'll tell you what I tell everyone.. That's between me and my God..
The topic of “your number” is common.. For some reason it typically comes up around months 3 to 6 in a dating relationship.. And amazingly, some people actually tell the truth.. One beloved friend of mine had been dating a guy for about 4 months and they were deep into the bedroom phase of their relationship and were even tiptoeing around the concept of a future together.. Then, one night, they had the “number’s talk”.. He disclosed his and then asked about hers.. In a moment of hopeless stupidity, she was utterly honest and told the truth.. He was horrified.. The bad part was, it wasn’t high, it was just higher than he had assumed it would be.. They ended things shortly thereafter b/c he couldn’t get past her past.. The glorious hypocrisy was that the only reason she felt comfortable enough to tell him her number was his was almost 3 times as high as hers.. Beautiful..
One night as myself and my beloved, non-judgmental “friends of my bosom” were sitting around chatting, we discussed out numbers (no disclosure, just discussion).. Big Brother, a legend in high school, brought forth an interesting fact.. According to one Kinsey study, the average adult has an average of 3 sexual partners for every year of their sexually active lives.. We did the math.. I’m 34. I lost my virginity at 18.. That means, according to Kinsey, I should have had 44 partners.. My response? “Really? I got tons of room to spare.. Hell yeah!..”.. That statistic was quite comforting as it did lend a certain amount of validation to whatever squeamishness I had about my number.. Big Brother in comparison figured out that he would have to be celibate for the next 17 years to catch up with where he should be.. Ouch..
As the conversation progressed, Dani chimed in that she had decided not to count a guy she had dated a month ago on her list.. We asked why? They had sex, right? It should count.. She claimed the “5 Second Rule of Sexual Tabulation”.. If the sex didn’t last 5 seconds, she didn’t think it counted.. After very little debate, we took a vote and unanimously agreed that this was a valid loophole..
After another 15 to 20 minutes of cocktail infused discussion, she further decided that the most recent gentleman she had been dating should also be excluded from her list.. We opened the floor up for the debate and asked for her to defend that statement. She said “Well, there were a number of drinks involved and it was really pretty awful.. I don’t think I should have to count it if I can hardy remember it or if it was bad..”.. I had to take the con side on this and replied “You know, sweetie, I’m all for loopholes that can make us feel better about the unfortunate choices we have made but I’m going to have to go with you are taking way too many liberties with the exclusion loophole.. If we discount every partner that the sex was bad or a where few too many cocktails led to a bad judgment call, well, wait a minute.. Actually, that’s not too bad an idea.. My number just dropped to somewhere around 4, I think.. I can totally wipe the slate clean of my first husband who was abysmal in bed and at least 2 long term relationships.”.. At this point, Dani pointed out that I had a child with my first husband which led to the “child inclusionary clause”.. They voted that I had to count him, no matter how bad it was due to procreation… Oh, alright.. I’ll count him.. But I won’t like it.. We eventually decided that you had to count the person, regardless of level of inebriation or poor performance, which was too bad because, just imagine the number of slates we could have wiped clean with that ruling.. Next week we’re going to take on foreign policy and the energy crisis..
So, anyways, back to the original story.. As I was under pressure to provide a number, I grabbed one out of thin air that was actually on the low side of life and to my utter amazement he was still shocked.. It was like that scene from the movie Clerks... When I was leaving, I half expected him to yell "Try not to sleep with anyone on your way to the parking lot..".. We then got into it arguing about how men are viewed as studs and women are viewed as sluts and how some men still are unnerved by a sexually confident woman who enjoys and seeks out sexual gratification.. I felt compelled to throw out a number to the point of being ridiculous just to jerk him around: "Ok, just say it's somewhere in the triple digits, like, say for example 168".. This even further appalled him, but amazingly, at the end of the evening, he STILL TRIED TO TAKE ME HOME.. I'm guessing his assumption was if I was at 168, what the hell, what did it matter if he was 169??
Now, without revealing my number, I will say that I am obviously not a virgin but I do have a strong penchant for serial monogamy and relationships.. However, being 34 years old and single during an age where sex by the 5th date is generally the norm, hell, that's probably a conservative estimate, unless Prince Charming gets his shit together and shows up soon, I'm assuming my number will be forced to go up.. Kind of like the express elevator at the Chrysler Building..
Another theory, popularized by the movie Love Stinks was the “3 Meal Minimum” standard for sexual intimacy which, particularly in younger dating groups, may even be a bit unrealistic.. In all honesty, most long term single women I know in their 30's have had a fair amount of sexual partners.. It's not because they are of loose moral virtue or indiscriminate sexual taste but because it's just inevitable..
So what would most guys say if a girl said her number was 25? Is that high? Is it low? Does that indicate she's slept with around in college, over 10 years ago? That she was married? What if she had sex with boyfriends she dated for greater than 6 months? Does it indicate she had a high sex drive that led to poor choices? That she only had sex when she was “in love”?? What real information does that number convey?
Calculating An Average SPF (Sexual Partner Factor)
Let's run a rough draft for the average single 35 year old woman's number.. Let me reiterate this is not the rundown of mine or any of my friend’s number, it is just an approximate calculation based on a random survey of normal dating experiences.
Definitions:
Serious Relationship - Monogamous Committed Dating aka "Boyfriend, Fiancée or Husband"
Dating Relationship - Monogamous, Non-Committed aka "This guy I went out with long enough to have had sex"
Non-Relationship Recurring Partner - No Dating, Sex More Than Once aka "Fuck Buddy"(altho, this can be someone you hang out with, no hope of a relationship but have had sex with on more than one occasion, aka "Repeat Offenders")
Non-Recurring Partner - No On Going Dating, Sex One Time aka "One Night Stand" or those guys who never called again.. Technically we call those "Assholes"..)
Let's run through an example, shall we??
The last 2 years of High School and College (6 years) - Let's say 3 serious relationships, a drunken one night stand with a frat boy, whoops, I mean 1 non-recurring partner, and 1 dating relationship.. Total - 5.. Not bad.. Less than one lover per year..
Post College 20's (8 years) - Let's go with 2 serious relationships, one lasting 1 years, one lasting 4 years.. Take a year off for grieving time.. During the remaining 2 years of single time, assume one non-relationship recurring partner, one non-recurring partner per year and 1 dating relationship every 6 months.. Total - 9 Still, not bad, just over one lover per year (Sum Total - 14)
Early to Mid -30's (5 years) - Assume 2 serious relationships of no more than a year each, and during the remaining 3 years assume 1 non-recurring partner per year, 1 non-relationship recurring partner per year, and 1 dating relationship per year. Total – 11.. Still looking good, just over 2 lovers per year.. (Sum Total - 25)
How about that? We're looking at a 35 year old woman with a number of 25 over 19 years of sexual activity just through a normal course of dating and life experiences.. Can the number be lower? Absolutely.. If a woman was off the market for longer periods of time during relationships or marriage or if she is sexual only in committed long term monogamous relationships.. The reality is, that's not real likely, not in this day and age of being single.. But if you look at the sexual history above, is this someone who is a tramp? Hardly, the history is based primarily in relationships, with limited non-recurring partners, most of which were probably of the Love ‘em and Leave ‘em Asshole variety.. I don’t know of one single women out there that hasn’t had a guy pull a “love ‘em and leave ‘em”.. The average number of lovers is 1.32 per year.. Not exactly someone making the rounds on the Strip now is it?? Yet a lot of men would cringe at the idea of a woman with a number of 25 without realizing that there is more to the story than a number..
The real kicker, as I terminated the numbers discussion, was when I sharply pointed out to him, it's better to sleep with an SPF 45 with protection, than an SPF 4 without.. That's one way to get burned for sure.. Because, in the end, that's all your number is.. Just a number..
