Maxim's 100 Things You Should Know About Women
Check out the Maxim 100, with some of my own commentary.. Because, as usual, they're missing some critical points...100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you. Well, there has to be some benefit to putting up with men..
99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line. Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps us in line, actually, if we really like you..
98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her. This is so true.. Unless you are really drunk and then we know better..
97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible. Yes, I will.
96. Jewelry. Now you always knkow what to get her for a last-minute gift. Just don’t buy me amethysts.. Right, Kansas?
95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world. Do NOT be the naked guy in socks.
94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean. Also, girls with no guys friends are trouble. It means they only see men as potential husbands.
93. Girls who say, “I love sports!” are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not. The real trick is ask her where the team is ranked in the league. The correct answer is #1, with a 4 point lead. And I shouldn’t have to specify the sport.
92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile. Also “goodbye sex”.. Just trust me on this. I know a guy.
91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends. Wait?? Guys write love letters? Which guy? Where is he??
90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car. It takes a very secure man to get behind the wheel of Oz, the bug.
89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it. Again, guys do this?? Where the hell is this guy?? I actually had an ex that told me all about the stuff he bought his ex from Tiffany's.. For our 3 month dating anniversary I got a 12 pack of Diet Mt. Dew.. Oh yeah, there were signs..
88. “If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.”—Claire, 27 Claire gives sage advice. Trust her on this one.
87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts—and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion. Oh, bite me. Like we get ourselves preganant without any help from men??
86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard. Sleeping on the wet spot is the highest form of modern chivalry there is.. Jesus, I hate dating..
85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled. Blonde, shmonde..
84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute—scientific proof most women are decent in bed. And that 16% of men are useless excuses for carbon based life forms.
83. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true. Yes, we do. We women can be deeply stupid.
82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men. OK, seriously, what is up with that? Special Agent? Kansas? Mr. Fantastic? All maintain an average home temperature of about 42 degrees. Last week I asked Kansas if he was trying to hibernate through SuperLent and he actually said he had turned up the heat for me. Freak.
81. The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship. It should be about the 2 guys taking care of the one girl.
80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they’ll take it. You’d just better hope it’s birth control.
79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had. The Vixen’s respectfully and vehemently disagree with that statement.
78. “I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes.”—Erin, 21 Erin has boundary issues.
77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married. We need a time frame. The week before? The year before?
76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you. Don’t get me started.
75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash. I don’t have a dog. But I would love a man on a leash.
74. “Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 31 Or else she’s secretly bisexual.
73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10. That reminds me.. Kansas? Gerry? Big Brother? Don’t forget, I need help moving the week of April 24th. I’ll see if I can round up more help.
72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice. I’m a mother of 2 children. I don’t freak out until someone becomes separated from an appendage.
71. “Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples—we just get rid of them.”—Katie, 26 Katie also has boundary issues. And apparently needs electroysis.
70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians. This is not true. We just don’t approve of anyone you spend more time with than us, male or female.
69. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it. Period. Face it, you always get caught.
68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females. I need to move.
67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.” What is it if you slept with them on the first date and became friends later?
66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense. Their logic does not resemble our earth logic.
65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win. Accept it. Learn it. Live it.
64. An online dating service’s survey found that a woman’s ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes. Bah.. Hair is over rated.. I was in heaven at the St. Baldrick’s event.
63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon. Does that mean there are some trampy 17 year olds eloping?
62. A British study claims a woman’s chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent. Sweet. I beat the odds.. Twice..
61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions. Unless it involves our car. Then, feminism be damned, we're at a loss. Feel free to fix it.
60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas. And for the record: biting is bad.
59. “When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a vibrator.”—Lauren, 35 Poor Lauren. We should have a telethon for her disability.
58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29. This is why you shouldn’t get involved with women under 30. Except for Jenny Barnes.
57. Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash. I’m an excellent driver.. and excellent, excellent driver.. I’ve only totaled 2 cars.. an excellent driver..
56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year. I wonder how many calories are in a tube of lipstick?
54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. “I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy,” says Evie, 22. The key is “awhile”.. We have about 3 free shags in each of us and then you get attached. It’s as inherent in a chick as our craving for shoes and shopping.
53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie’s lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004. These lips do not look good on everyone. 2 words: Melanie Griffith.
52. Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair. This is true. I have not cut my hair beyond a trim in over 3 years. Every man I meet tells me not to cut it.
51. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed. We hate cute. Baby ducks are cute. We want to be exotic and mysterious.
50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand. Designer footwear is best if dainty.
49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal. Uhh. No, we don’t.
48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure. Unless you’re a Vixen, then there’s never a doubt.
47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers. Ouch. I stand corrected. Altho, I will be leaving the ranks of “losers” April 24th. Again, I am taking volunteers to help me move. I probably won't sleep with you, so just keep it in mind that you'll be helping me out of the goodness of your heart..
46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps. O Bombs. And the less we care about you, the more inclined we are to talk dirty.
45. Twenty-three percent of this magazine’s readers are women. 42% of the List readers are women. Thepercentage will keep increasing as I no longer add the men I date to The List.
44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal. There’s a risk/reward trade-off scenario if I ever heard of it. We never covered this particular one in MBA school, mind you.
41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion. Good point. Pregnancy is usually a key factor in hair cuts as well.
40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble. Well, duhh.. Anyone that tries to get me to wear a pink chiffon tulle net nightmare with flowers in my hair deserves to get bitch-smacked.
39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it. It will placate us the way nothing else will.
38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet. Just not sports, if we can beat you in sports, you're branded a wuss.
37. Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s. This is very true. How do women miss the whole damn commode? I get the splatter effect of the squat and hover but some women miss the WHOLE toilet. It boggles the mind.
36. “At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Caroline, 28 Caroline needs therapy. And she’s been stealing money out of your wallet. That totally wasn't me.
35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds. I already have 2 kids, I don’t need a 3rd.
34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It’s only about four minutes long. Chick rock sucks.
33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta! Uhhh, ewww..
32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat. See #37.
31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP. If you have a matching bath mat and shower cutain, we’re impressed.. Matching hand towels? We think you’re gay..
30. “Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 21 Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.. Of course he likes you.. and all the other girls he’s using that cheesy ass move on..
29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat. Hell yes I do.. Free meal? That’s not the time to skimp. If I really dont like the guy I'm getting steak!
28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn’t know. You can be a B cup and still have a great rack. My ratio of drinks paid for to drinks bought is a geat testiment to the value of B-cups.
27. Gain her trust when you’re out by calling her at 10 P.M. She’ll go to bed content you’re thinking of her, even if you’re slurping Jell-O shots off some skank’s cleavage. This is completely true. Throw in a "thinking of you" text message at 1:00am and we'll never question where you were unless we find the recepit from the strip club. We are deeply stupid.
26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice. Put down the Drakkar because the 80’s are over you Don Johnson wanna be.
25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you. It’s probably Kansas. Super Lent is blurring the lines of his sexuality. Soon small furry animals will be unsafe. Well, more unsafe.
24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements. Screw that. Caveat Emptor. There are no warranties on men. They come As Is.
23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often. True. And we all generally hate the way we look naked. It’s a chick thing. That's how you can tell we really are comfortable with you. Daylight nakedness..
22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time. Sadly, this is an almost sure-fire way to get a blow job.. Yes, again, we are deeply stupid.
21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat. And women between 18-25 are not only deeply stupid but insanely esteem deficient. Again, this is why women over 30 rock. Body acceptance. We may not like what it looks like, but we're mor comfortable in our own skin.
20. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way. This used to be true. Iactually thought the last 2 guys I dated were smarter than I was. And look how well that turned out.. Apparently it's better to date the idiots..
19. The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it. Hey.. Hey!! That’s not necessarily true.
18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it. Unless it’s Terms of Endearment. Then violence is generally acceptable.
17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy. Especially if the question involves the word “fat”
16. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.. Watch her eyes. If you see horror and panic, you’ve asked for too much.. Ramp it back a bit. Drop the request for the latex body paint and the gag ball.
15. Girls don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys. Just don’t come in drunk and stinking of whores. There's a difference between bowling night and strip club night..
14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see—she'll just want to leave early. Fair enough, depending on the band.. Although, I am usually the last man standing at musical events.
13. “Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.”—Elena, 28 Bravo.. If you happen to have a big penis and are good with foreplay, then you are the holy grail of men.. Make up t-shirts so we can identify you easier..
12. Studies show women are more attracted to “macho” guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn to “good providers,” otherwise known as chumps. Dated both. And they both broke my heart. Bad news, apparently the only warning sign that a guy will probably end up hurting you is if he has a penis..
11. She likes one of your friends. The cute one? Yeah, yeah.. Doesn’t mean we’ll sleep with him.
10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason. Whatever. The Vixens are all fabulous and beautiful.
9. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last. I only do the name thing when I think I’m really in love. Especially if it’s a “bad” name. I love my current name. I weep for the day I have to give it up for something less than lyrical. One guy I dated had a really bad last name.. I asked him how he would feel, if things worked out, if I kept my ex-husband's name instaed of taking his. Sheesh.. ask one little question..
8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L’Oréal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent). Bitch, please. Of course this is my real hair color.
7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid. And a quick trip to the health clinic is probably advisable.
6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.) Thigh? Damn.. Even Maxim doesn’t know what they’re doing down there.. No wonder so many guys get it wrong..
5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives. No we don’t.. Blunt force trauma to the skull.. Be sure to lay down plastic to contain the splatter.. Ammonia and bleach will destroy blood evidence.. God, I love CSI.. It's made ending relationships so much easier to do!!
4. Foghat’s “Slow Ride” is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint? And if you listen to that song when you’re with a women, she’s going to leave. You will not get laid.
3. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.” If you want it over, this is what you have to say.. Otherwise, we will cling to the shred of hope that things can be fixed. You really have to say: "It's not me.. It's you.. " Remember, deeply stupid.
2. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out. If you ever got one for your ex, don't bother buying it.
1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12. 5? Uhhhh.. I really need to submit SPF to Maxim. They are a bit behind the times.
Of course the most important thing to know is that, by and large, women are smarter than men.. for example, we can count to 100.. I bet most of my femalre readers figured out that this is not 100 Things.. There are 3 missing (#'s 42, 43 and 55). This article was pulled directly from Maxim's online site so it was not an omission on my part, it was one on theirs. This slight tendency of men to inflate the numbers is probably a good explanation for the disparity in what men and women consider to be "average size"..
Have a good one, Gang..
posted by Monet @ 12:36 PM
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