What A Girl Wants..
I've started New Year's with a clean slate and a new attitude..
New job, new house under contract, no current legal matters, a clean bill of health and, as of this weekend, a clean dating slate.. Yes, sadly, my Tropical Depression sort of meandered out to sea, so to speak.. Kind of like Hurricane Frederick.. All hype and no forward momentum.. We were both just in very different places in our lives and wanted different things.. After the last few years of my life, I decided the last thing I needed was a relationship that left me feeling insecure and unsure of where I stood.. It was actually a nice clean break, we shook hands, agreed to stay friends and parted ways.. I actually think we meant it too.. If only they could all be like that..
I admit a huge a part of the problem is my inability to articulate exactly what I am looking for out of life, love and relationships for fear of being thought weak or too "chick-like".. As modern women, we are so ingrained to not admit we have needs for fear of being seen as "needy" that we over compensate by being these hyper independent women that refuse to admit we even have a need for love.. That it's seen as weak to admit we want to be able to lean on someone.. Having had to have been so strong for so much of my life, especially after the last few years, I'm not afraid to admit, it would be wonderful to be with someone I could truly need and know that they were there for me, that I could allow myself to rely on and have faith in someone again.. I don't ever want to be laying next to someone in bed and still find myself feeling lonely.. Over the last few months, with all the turmoil and in particular when I had grave concerns about my health and longevity, I did alot of soul searching.. What did I want out of my current relationship? For that matter, what do I want out of any relationship? What do I want out of life, especially once I felt as if God had given me a second chance at it?
Funny how God can put a message right in front of you sometimes.. The other day as I was driving down I-40, thinking about where things were going with The Guy and trying to figure out how I really felt, I ended up asking for a little guidance from above and lo and behold, a song came on the radio.. I had to laugh out loud because sometimes, when you ask for a sign, God smacks you right upside the head with one.. As I sang along at the top of my lungs, I realized I know exactly what I want.. In the inimitable words of the great, inspiring and amazing Melissa Etheridge:
I Want to be in Love..I have climbed the highest mountain, I have sailed across the seaI have wrestled with my demons, and woke up with only meI have been around the block, three times maybe fourAnd I think I deserve just a little more..Refrain:In front of total strangers won't you kiss me?Flowers for no reason but you miss meI want to be in loveYou're standing on the doorstep in the rainCause you couldn't wait to see me once againI want to be in loveI have made some big mistakes and I've paid a heavy priceI found a little peace between will and sacrificeI have watched as all my dreams went walking out the doorAnd I think I deserve just a little more(Refrain)I'm looking for a heart of goldI'm looking for a hand to holdA happy ending, strong and kindSomewhere to rest my troubled mind(Refrain)On Tuesday light the candles and bring me wineWednesday morning I won't get to work on timeI want to be in loveSurprise me as I'm stepping off the planeTake my hand as they play our song againI want to be in loveMelissa EtheridgeIs that too much to ask? For me, it makes things a bit easier.. I now know exactly what I want.. I'll admit, it could shallow out my dating pool to a bit of a dating puddle, but I think it's worth taking the chance on.. that having what I want and deserve in my life is worth the the gamble.. I know it's the kind of thing that takes time and cannot happen on demand, but at least now I am willing to admit that I actually have needs.. That's a first for me..
The Worst Blind Date... Ever..
As my dating world has leveled out in the last few months and the parade of complete lunatics and utter freaks has been limited to the nutjobs that send me obscene My Space messages (and the guy I’m dating, of course), I have started going back to some archives I had from a previous blog to share some fun dating stories I accumulated prior to entering the actual dating pool. This little tale of high adventure and mad romance occurred back in either late 2002 or early 2003 when I was still married and spent most of my time watching the relationship train-wrecks of my beloved friends.. Let me assure you, as I became more and more aware of the likelihood of my joining the ranks of the single women in their 30’s in the dating community, my friend’s experiences did little to give me hope that I would be better off single.
We begin our story, as so many do, with one night at the pub....
One of the original Vixen’s, Michelle, was fixed up on a blind date by another one of her very good friends (altho, I am certain that this matchmaking attempt put a strain on the relationship afterwards). The date started well enough, and while he wasn't particularly thrilling to look at, sort of clean cut and cute-ish in an older guy kind of way, she was keeping an open mind..
Any woman who’s been on more the 2 dates in her life knows that it's just good sense to stay somewhere familiar and keep an escape hatch handy when embarking on an evening out with someone new. I was on stand-by playing the role of the escape hatch.. After attending a cook-out together, she brought him downtown, to the pub (you don’t get much more familiar than that).. By this time she knew this was no Love Connection, however, she was still proceeding with the date and waiting to see if at least a friendship could be created.. Hell, my 2 best guy friends in the world are guys I dated where we just decided to be just friends, Big Brother (circa 1987) and Kansas (circa fall 2004).
And then he broke just about every rule in dating and common sense.. It still boggles the mind to this day.. Technically, he didn’t actually break a rule as his behavior was just so preposterous that it defied any defined rules in the dating sense of the word..
As we're standing around chatting, her date, who we’ll call Escobar Gallardo, excuses himself to talk to someone he knows.. A few minutes later, Michelle and I took realized Escobar may not be as clean cut as she thought.. The gentleman he was conversing with was well known in downtown bar circles as being involved in the use and possible distribution of several illicit substances, not the least of which was cocaine. We didn't know him personally (no good can ever come of putting anything other than your finger in your nose and even that has significant limitations) however, his reputation as a coke head was well established. And even if it wasn’t, his constant red-rimmed eyes, profuse case of the sniffles and excessive abuse of hair gel were generally a dead giveaway. As if having her date talking to a drug dealer wasn't disconcerting enough, the jackass had the utter nerve to come back and ask if he could borrow $20 from one of us.. Michelle, ever the lady, inquired politely as to the purpose.. He said he owed a friend some money..
An immediate meeting was convened in the ladies room and I informed her that he had broken all rules of Dating Etiquette.. Not only did he seek to borrow money from her on a first date (tacky in the extreme, what kind of loser borrows money on a first date?? I mean, unless he’s just been mugged??), he was using it to buy drugs without first determining her position on the matter (flat out unacceptable).. Now, granted, there are women out there that might not have minded his little substance abuse problem. Heck, there are ladies whose idea of the perfect date includes a couple of pick-me-upper lines and a few Jaeger Bombs.. Unfortunately for him, Michelle was not one of these ladies.. OK, she would probably have done a Jaeger Bomb, but that’s about it..
Her main concern was how polite it was to end the date immediately, which I assured her was the least of his problems.. And amazingly, her date was quite annoyed that she was trying to dump him and was not at all open to our strong suggestion that he vacate the premises immediately as we weren’t going anywhere and didn’t want him to ruin our good night.. I suggested that if he had any problems with her abruptly ending the date, perhaps we should just walk over to the other side of the bar and introduce him to one of our dear friends, Officer Greg from the Drug/Gang unit of the Raleigh PD who just happened to be off duty enjoying a refreshing beverage.. I told him I suspected Greg would not mind going on the clock for a few minutes to arrest him for possession. Interestingly enough, that seemed to hasten his exit from the bar..
Needless to say, she never saw him again.. and I think it was several months before she was willing to date anyone without a full criminal and chem panel work-up on.. Is it any wonder why The Vixens are so jaded and suspicious when we meet a “decent” guy??
Batchelorized
One night some time back, The Vixen's were out having a few cocktails at the pub, as we occasionally do..
There were a few regulars at the other end of the bar.. In particular these 3 guys that we've all known for a few years.. Somehow, the conversation sort of drifted to these and a few other men that we know that boast the same general characteristics.. They are all in their mid to late 30's, generally quite successful, at least moderately attractive, charming and great fun to hang out with.. And all totally single.. All except one has never been married.. And when we considered the ones we specifically knew from the pub, they rarely, if ever, had a girlfriend.. They are perennial bachelors.. But why?? What makes men who are in their 30's date like they are in their 20's??
Later in the evening, when things had died down a bit, the 4 of us (myself and the 3 Bachelors) were hunkered down in a booth, I did a bit of research on this phenomenon of totally eligible men being, well, emotionally ineligible for dating.. As the conversation progressed, some trends emerged.. Each of these men had been badly burned by love at least once.. Secondly, after their bad break-up, they each went into deep guy-mode.. They spent time with their single friends, they did whatever they wanted, spent hours at the bar, took up hobbies the ex would have balked at, avoided anything that resembled official dating and basically screwed everything that didn't file charges..
OK, I interjected,
I can understand the rebound period wherein you avoid any emotional ties, rely on meaningless sex, alcohol and your friends to ease the pain but doesn't eventually that get a bit old? Don't you want to be with someone that actually loves you? Don't you at least want to know who you're waking up with occasionally? Bachelor #1, the oldest of the bunch, pointed out that after 41 years of being single, he was set in his ways of doing things, lived by his own rules and didn't particularly have any desire to make the kind of concessions that being in a relationship required.. Further he said, it doesn't take much to get women to go to bed with you, so it's not like being single means not getting laid or waking up alone all the time.. Bachelor #2 boasted he had more sex when he was single than when he was married.. Ouch.. Bachelor #3 was the most successful of the bunch and said that, given that he was fairly well known for being fairly well off he just didn't trust that anyone he dated was actually interested in him as a person, and not as a paycheck.. And, given the size of his paycheck, if he wanted company for a weekend away, there were always a number of hot, shallow 20 somethings that were willing to do just about anything he wanted for an all expenses paid trip out of the country.. All of this was said without a trace of shame or conscience.
A few days later, I recounted this illuminating and nauseating conversation with the Vixen's and hence, the term
"Bachelorized" was born..
Bachelorized (adj.): The process by which never married men in their 30's can become less and less dateable due to the inflexibility that is reinforced by years of single living.The theory is as follows: Sometime towards the mid-30's, men who have never been married or have been without a serious relationship for more than a few years begin to do more and more of the things that historically were reserved for "married life"... They buy property.. The buy real furniture.. They landscape.. They decorate.. They acquire housewares.. But mainly, they get used to not having to coordinate their life with anyone.. The longer they are not in a relationship, the less malleable they are in terms of making the kind of compromises and adjustments that comes with relationships.. They become emotionally self-centered and unable see a reason to put anyone else's needs before their own..
Unfortunately, given that we women have generally become more sexually open and less inclined to "make 'em wait", they typically can get laid without having to make any promises or commitments.. No wonder they don't want to get married.. They don't need to.. We've created a society that encourages rampant sexual freedom with none of the safety nets that commitment brings..
As we Vixen's sat there sipping cocktails and stockpiling the list of men we knew that had been Bachelorized, I came to realize that I was actually pretty lucky.. Generally, with a few notable exceptions, including the man I was currently involved with, my dating pool has typically been focused on people that I have the most in common with: divorced fathers.. Now, while my beloved, never married girlfriends cringe at the idea of the baggage that can accompany a single father (including psycho ex-wife, paying child support, costly custody battles and well, the kids) I look at the advantages that they have over the Bachelorized 35+ crowd of men that has become our target dating pool.. The biggest advantage of the single dad is that he is well aware that he is not the center of the universe.. One night of helplessly watching a child's fever spike to 102 teaches you a great deal about priorities and where you fall in the grand scheme of things.. Also, men who have been married before have shown they at least have the ability to commit and to possibly put the needs of others first.. Also, most single father's these days have been present at the birth of their child which means they have seen a woman at a moment when she looked her worst and was at her most beautiful.. They do not suffer from the delusion that beauty comes from a make-up kit.. So while, my pool is definitely a bit more shallow, I'd like to think it's inhabitants have at least the potential to be a bit deeper..
Now this is not to say that all men over 35 are completely undateable, shallow-minded, leg-humping scoundrels.. There are the Usual Suspects that fall in the 35+ category but are very much open and willing to make room in their lives and schedules for someone that has the beauty and brains to touch their hearts, but sadly they are in the minority.. For every one of our Suspects who craves a warm body and soul to call his own there is a victim of Bachelorization who brushes aside the heart that's been offered up on the proverbial silver platter to avoid having to compromise or make sacrifices..
However, what's really sad about the Bachelorized Boys is their future.. I think specifically of the Bar Batchelors that are missing out on the best that life has to offer.. The ones that have let love walk away from them because it was "too much trouble", "too much work", "too inconvenient" or "just a pain in the ass".. These are the guys that think that they have all the time in the world to find someone, that things will always be this way.. Sad to say, most of them will probably miss their chance and end up being "that guy".. You know the one (Come on out Bachelor #1!!).. That 40-something guy hanging out with a bunch of late 20's-early 30's on the weekends.. The one who ignores the fact that the age gap between him and his cohorts continues to increase as all his old running buddies fall in love and move past a life of "me" and into the life of "we".. The one that gets left behind as one by one, the others grow up, find love, settle down and realize that the best part about life is sharing it with someone..
Bachelorized.. An inevitable result of our generation's desire to stress independence, self-centeredness and success before the more simpler joys of sharing a life and putting other's first.
You know, not everything that moves forward is progress..
Flypaper for Freaks – The Torch is Passed
Prior to Rambling, I had a private blog in which I wrote about more detailed, private and personal experiences and shared them with The Usual Suspects and my out of town and out of country readers who were my original “beta readers” for my publication ambitions.. Since the launch of Rambling, I have shut down the old site and am in the process of updating, editing and migrating over some of the old articles that I wrote that I can be shared with the general population.. The articles on the worst blind date ever, the flavor of friendships and my horrific experiences with online dating are all “in the can” and waiting to be posted at appropriate intervals for your reading enjoyment..
As I perused and updated articles written from 1 to 2 years ago, I couldn’t help but once again shake my head and wonder why it seems as if I am irresistible to a specific type of men, primarily the clinically insane ones.. For awhile there, it just seemed like every single man that crossed my path was a complete and utter lunatic, a liar, a sociopath or just plain icky.. This is a phenomenon that has not escaped the notice of others. I constantly receive emails asking if the events chronicled on
The Rambling Redhead (and prior to that
The Trenches) are all real events or just made up for shock value.. Dear God, I wish.. Everything I write about are real events and real people..
Thankfully, I can honestly say, my experiences have improved vastly since the days of
The Trenches.. I am currently dating someone who is not an obvious candidate for a DSM-IV case study. While I am not completely letting my guard down (after all
Seriously Insane Biker Boy is still lurking out there somewhere waiting to propose) I am at least “unclenching” a bit and thinking that maybe the torch has finally been passed.
The Freaks of My Space
For those of you not suffering from a serious internet addiction, allow me to introduce you to “
My Space”.. On My Space you can post your profile, send messages, blog and link to other “friends”.. As you can see from
My Profile, I have generally limited my friends to people I already know in some way shape or form.. When writing my profile I specifically crafted it to dissuade salacious or inappropriate attention. I focus on my kids, my ministry training, my job, etc. Yet, despite the carefully worded profile, I still get more than my fair share of freaks that message me to see if I’d be up for an interlude at a roadside motel and if any of my hobbies include a kumquat, some rubber hosing and live gerbils. Needless to say, I spend most of my time on My Space deleting messages and denying friend requests..
My personal rule is, when I receive a friend request, if I don’t know the person, I generally ignore it.. If I am sent a request from anyone that has a profile pic that is shirtless or depicts someone wearing a cowboy hat and holding a beer bong, it’s an automatic “Deny”.. It’s amazing.. So many of the women and men on there post these pics that are a scant step away from pornography and yet their write-up refers to wanting to meet a “nice man/woman” for a “caring, committed relationship”.. Because a posed picture of a woman in a thong with her nipples on display is going to make a guy think “
She looks just like the girl next door”.. Well, you know, if he lived next door to a brothel..
Enter the Gigolo..Some of the suspects (Big Brother, AJ and JennyB) are totally addicted to My Space.. Addicted in a “the rest of The Suspects are contemplating an intervention” kind of way.. I went through about a week of messing around there but eventually got tired of the Parade of Freaks and now only check in to read Big Brother’s blog and deny my latest batch of freak, I mean friend requests. The other night as AJ was going through her latest friend requests, she saw one that she brought to my attention. The pics posted were all of the shirtless, muscle flexing variety.. The guy was posing on the bed, on a motorcycle, against a wall.. He was not bad looking, but the pics were kinda tasteless.. Again, if a guy feels like he has to show off the pecs to grab someone’s interest, then that’s likely the best he has to offer and therefore is not worth the time.. Also of note was this particular person had some 83 “Friends” most of which were half naked women in the aforementioned semi-pornographic poses.
But I digress.. AJ, for some unfathomable reason, decides to message this guy and point out that his profile write up talked all about wanting to find a special girl, being relationship oriented, wanting to settle down and that he was looking for a “real” girl with a heart of gold, but his profile pics, and the pics of his “Friends” all smacked of pornography.. She also noted that, as he listed himself as a single parent, it was kind of confusing as one would not associate a “Dad” with cavorting with a bunch of slutty women online.. He messaged back that he just accepted friends without really looking at profiles but after looking at hers, he said AJ was someone that he would be proud to call his girlfriend.. He then proceeded to give her his phone number and asked her to call him so they could maybe talk and eventually meet for a cup of coffee or a drink.
Given that this is 2005, whoops, I mean 2006 and we are all pretty smart cookies when it comes down to dating (Translation: We’ve all been viciously burned and learned our lesson) she did what any normal single woman over the age of 25 does.. She
Googled his number..
Oh my.
He’s listed on not one, but 3 different websites as a professional male escort.
Both of us just stood there, jaws on the floor, and looked at the website.. I finally turned to AJ..
“Honey, he’s a hooker.. We don’t date hookers.. It’s part of the Vixen dating credo.. That, and don’t get killed..”
Actually,
“Don’t get killed or date hookers” is basically The Vixen’s dating mission statement.. We like to keep it simple..
We read his write-up which indicated a willingness to provide companionship to ladies and straight couples with a special interest in fantasy fulfillment.. In addition to the “services” description, there was this nice legalese blurb about how his services were strictly for companionship, no sexual contact was contracted for or implied and any sexual contact that occurred was between consenting adults, yada, yada, yada.. Oh yeah, and he costs $100 an hour local, $200 an hour outside of the RTP travel area.
AJ wrote him back with the link and indicted that he was busted and that she didn’t think there was much that could be said to explain away this tidbit of information. He replied that his “boys” had posted that as a joke and that it was his way of testing to see if the girls contacting him were “nice girls”.. He said he occasionally got a phone call but that he had never been an escort and further he was going to have his friends take down the site as he didn’t even realize it was still up..
I’m sorry, did I just hear a “Moooo”?? Because if I did that would explain all the bullshit..
Allow me to deconstruct the 2 main reasons why his excuses were outside the realm of plausibility and went over like a South Park episode at Family Night at the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights Conference.
1.. Guys, back me up on this.. If one of your “boys” posted a bunch of pics of you and listed your private cell phone number on a male escort service site, would you not freak the fuck out? Especially if you were a
SINGLE FATHER?? I’ve been known for my wicked sense of humor and for playing a practical joke or two but I cannot even begin to imagine the ass kicking that would occur if I did that to Big Brother or Kansas.. That could ruin their lives, their careers, or possibly cause someone’s mom/grandmother to keel over from a heart attack.. For s single father that would certainly look very, very bad in a custody battle.. If this guy knew about it and did not want to be listed as an escort, he would have had it taken down immediately if for no other reason than to protect his child from the repercussions.. Period.
2. The posting included a pretty carefully worded legal disclaimer that would seek to protect the poster from a charge of prostitution.. I’m not a lawyer and I don’t play one on TV but if the post was created as a joke, I sincerely doubt that the “boys” that were creating the post would bother with a protective disclaimer.
Finally, I can say, hand on a Bible that this was the first male escort ad I have ever viewed (notice I said “male”, lest we forget the night the Vixen’s went trolling the local dominatrix site’s trying to bust Lori’s boyfriend for hiring out a professional spanking.. But I digress..), however, despite my complete lack of experience, the escort listing definitely looked and sounded like the real deal.. It was professionally worded to appeal to a specific target audience as well as alluding to the services offered while seeking to provide legal assurances that would keep the client and the vendor from running afoul of the law..
Needless to say, AJ opted to delete his last message and did not reply.. Let’s face it, the odds are, the guy is a hooker.. I’m sure the Christian attitude to take would be that he’s still a person and that he needs and deserves love just as much as the rest of us do and who are we to judge how he earns his living??. Maybe he gives 25% of his earnings to charity and is a volunteer firefighter on the side. Maybe he’s putting himself through medical school to be a doctor and work in the jungles of Africa trying to fight the AIDS crisis.. Maybe he’s working day and night to help get his son the operation he desperately needs to prevent him from going blind..
After taking this viewpoint and trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, AJ and I talked ourselves into having a shred of compassion and stopped ourselves from judging him too harshly.. But the fact is, he’s listed online as an escort, not a stripper or massage thereapist, but an escort.. And no matter how you slice it, an escort is someone who has at least the moral flexibility to be willing to trade their sexual services for money... Tom-A-to, tom-AH-to.. Escort, hooker.. Same difference.. And while our dating pool may not be all that deep and it could desperately use some chlorine, I don’t think that we have scraped the barrel to the point that we’re willing to date a hooker.. When we say we want to date a professional, we’re referring to a level of career success achieved, not his actual “title”..
I guess as I’m treading water in my still semi-new “whatever the hell we are” and I get frustrated by the inevitable struggles of my fledgling relationship, I can use AJ’s experience as a take-away of lessons learned and as a perspective check.. Sure, he may not always call as often as I like, there’s a distinct lack of romance and frankly he is showing some pretty strong ADHD symptoms that could potentially require future medication, but hey, at least he’s not a hooker..
