And deliver us from evil (bunny rabbits).. Amen..
As I have stated many, many, many times before, CoraBean has repeatedly called me
“Flypaper for Freaks”. Oh sure, every now and then I manage to snag a normal guy but inevitably their personal issues, unfortunate geography. chemical dependencies or deep seeded neuroses doom the relationship.. You know, because it’s never my fault. That’s a given.. Overall, my post-marriage dating life has been a series of events that make the Greek Tragedies look like a night at the comedy club.. For the most part I get guys like Seriously Insane Biker Boy, geriatrics posing as youthful firemen, guys who pass out on me before the date even starts, the guys who call me at 2:00am and want me to talk them out of getting married and men that are on mafia watch lists all across the nation..
Harlequin Romance Boy was no exception.. My love life no longer even really shocks or disturbs me.. I’m so used to the ongoing parade of freaks without a circus that I barely bat an eye at things that would normally send people into therapy..
Until yesterday.
Allow me to back up to the issue of
The Rambling Redhead.. I had a few very harsh emails regarding
The Tragic Death of Harlequin Romance Boy saying I was being cruel and unkind.. Allow me to retort:
1. Everyone I have ever gone out with in the last 2 years knows I have a blog. I have always had the disclaimer that, in general, anything you say or do can and will be held against you online. This applies to The Suspects, the men I date, my kids, my family, everyone is fair game.
2. That being said, anytime someone has sincerely asked for me not to write about something, I have respected that request. Believe me, some of my best stores are the ones that will never be written.. One person I dated pretty much punctuated every remotely interesting thing that ever happened between us with “If this shows up in your blog, there will be vengeance” or something equally as annoying completely non-threatening.
3. The two previous reasons are why I no longer give anyone I am dating access to this blog and do all my non-dating ranting on MySpace.. It's bad enough there are a few people I have gone out with, one semi-serious, that have access. Since the demise of that relationship, I have kept Rambling completely limited to existing The List and anonymous additions that are not related or involved with The Suspects. I always caution people about forwarding the blog to their sweeties if there is a chance they might show up on here. This is my safe haven for ranting.
4. I go to great lengths to disguise the identities of people that I write about, especially when it is going to be a tale of dating disasters. Even when they deserve to be identified and possibly branded with a giant “A” for “Asshole” on their forehead. I never use real names if there is anything embarrassing being written, except for The Suspect’s and they always have veto power. Anyone that knows me knows I would never intentionally harm or be cruel to anyone.
Are we all clear on this?
Good because there is an interesting post script to The Tragic Death of Harlequin Romance Boy that I just feel a need to share.. Yesterday, I was deleting some old inbox messages on MySpace and noticed Harlequin Romance Boy had changed his picture.. I flipped to his profile out of curiosity and this was what was waiting for me:
Oh my Holy Mary Mother of God..
I’m at a loss for words. If I had not dated this guy, I would have said he was the gayest man in Gaydonia..
Sidebar: I have absolutely nothing against gay men, with the possible exception of me viewing them as either competition in my target dating pool or, in the case of the really hot gay guys, a tragic loss for womankind. Conversely, I adore my lesbian friends because they represent less competition in my dating pool.. Well, unless things continue the way they are in my love life.. my new motto is “One bad date away from a lifestyle change”..But I digress..
I forwarded this picture out to my same-gender oriented friends o’ my bosom for a second opinion and the official Gay vote was
“queer as a 3 dollar bill”. I forwarded the picture out to The Suspects for thoughts and comments and some kind of reassurance..
Jenny responded with a picture comment on MySpace:
And a former Buffy Fan sent this along:
However, Kansas may have summed it up best by saying:
“Okay that is just wrong wrong wrong. Holy New Kid on the block gay. Holy running man gay. Holy go to the prom with your mom gay. Holy fucking bunny suit gay. Actually, I feel I may be filled with gayness just for having seen that shit. “
So my initial assessment about him being testosterone deficient may have been a little more insightful than even I would have initially thought.. The general consensus was that no man, no matter how secure he was in his sexuality, no matter how chock full of testosterone they may really be would ever post a picture of themselves in Bunny Suit.
Hell, that kid from
A Christmas Story knew it was a bad idea and he was only 10!!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be heading off to find a psychiatrist.. I am in desperate need of some therapy after this.. Barring that I will be scrubbing out my skull with bleach in an attempt to remove this image from my brain.
And before anyone can say that posting this was also cruel and mean spirited, allow me to point out he posted this all by himself on his own page with which he is attempting to generate dates or a relationship.. With women..
Yeah, good luck with that..
At least I white-ed out his face.. Which removed the best part of the image: whiskers and a cute bunny nose..
*shudder*
On the plus side, I have tickets to Game 5 of the Stanley Cup playoffs that I think will return my testosterone levels back to their normal levels..
GO CANES!!
The Tragic Romantic Death of Harlequin Boy..
It must be Spring.. Every year about this time, a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love.. And my love life turns spectacularly to shit..
I recently ended a relationship of 3 weeks with a sweet, romantic, intelligent man who had a house and a job..
Why?
I was dating a total pussy. I’ve thought long and hard about the use of that phrase, but, there is no other way to put it. It may seem a bit unkind, but it is also completely true..
The simple truth about women is we like our men to be, well, men. I cannot date a man that I can “out guy”.. I mean my guy friends?? The men I absolutely have adored dating? All pretty frikkin’ manly.. I like 'em chock full of testosterone..
It started off innocently enough… He said he didn’t like scary movies.. Fair enough.. Lots of people don’t like scary movies. Unfortunately this came up in the context of my mentioning my family’s obsession and love of the movie Jaws.. He thought Jaws was a scary movie.. Ouch. A 30 year old movie with a cheesy mechanical shark gives him the heebie-jeebes? Forget the Scream Trilogy, 13 Ghosts, The Exorcist or Texas Chainsaw Massacre, he was freaked out by JAWS.. Strike one.
Then as we were watching an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD (a show my son watched when he was 8 years old without flinching) he became nauseous and had to leave the room. Double ouch. You’re on the verge of losing your dinner over something you can find on broadcast TV at 8:00pm? I began to suspect a severe testosterone deficiency.. Seriously.. Buffy is not graphic, it’s not scary, it’s camp at its best.. Again this is not boding well on the masculinity factor. Strike two.
But all in all, these are not fatal flaws.. OK, so he’s not a sweaty, beer swilling, treat-me-like-shit brute like I’m used to, he has manners and class, he’s not trying to screw one of my friends the second my back is turned.. So I decided to stick it out and not to judge.. And then he turned into a sick freak..
Allow me to deconstruct..
This guy was deviant in the extreme when it come to intimate moments.. You know, I can handle spankings, bondage, the use of food items, pornography and just about any freaky-ass requests that come up during a relationship, I'm a 3G Girl (good, giving and game) but some things are just too depraved and twisted for me to go along with.. Granted, there were not that many intimate moments and there was never any actual sex involved, but every time we were in an intimate type moment, he would begin to talk.. and the words coming out of his mouth were the sort of trite Fabio-esque trash you read in bad romance novels. That my hair was like spun silk and my skin like heavy cream.. That he couldn’t wait to watch my nipples constrict in the candlelight when I was aroused. That he loved to watch my body respond to his touch.. That he loved to feel my thighs quiver as I reached the edge of ecstasy and that I tasted like honey on his tongue..
Feel free to go vomit.. I'll wait..
As I was recounting this to Big Brother who was over hanging out with me and my neighbor having a few beers, my neighbor said “Oh my God.. What did you do??”.. To which Big Brother replied: “What men do.. Cram his head between your legs and hope it shuts him up.. “..
I think we may have pulled something, but it was a valid suggestion..
He seemed like such a normal guy, you know?? What can I say? The only words I want to hear in bed are dirty ones. A simple “Oh, yeah, right there.. Oh God, oh, God.. Harder, baby.. “ is all I ever want to hear.. If the relationship is advanced enough a simple "I love you" is a nice post-orgasm statement.. Running commentary? So not necessary.. To quote Miranda from Sex and the City “Sex is the one time in my overly articulate life when I should just shut up..”..
I realized there was no point in prolonging the inevitable. I don’t want a guy to make love to me tenderly or to tell me he wants to take me to the edge of desire and make my body flush with pleasure.. I think I’d rather get banged like a Salvation Army drum, but in a nice, caring, relationship way, you know?..
So, I ended it.
In an email no less. I turned into Mr. Fantastic. In all fairness, I think the email was valid and legitimate choice for this.. after all he had sent me 6 emails (yes, I went back and counted them, there were 6) long, flowery, Harlequin filled, emotional emails in the last 2 ½ days.. I was really kind of starting to get a “Jame Gumb” vibe from him.. Seriously, gang, I was freaked out a bit..
As I faced some really significant high pressure deadlines at work, over the last 3 days there have been increasing emails, texts and calls expressing how he wants to be there for me and how supportive he wants to be but he doesn’t want to crowd me or put any pressure on me.. I appreciated the sentiment the first email I got.. by the 5th I began to suspect his motives did not match his words.. Last night he asked if he could come over and celebrate my successful presentation.. I said no, I was whipped and just wanted to couch surf (I really was.. I slept for almost 12 straight hours).. he offered to just come over and rub my feet and leave.. Uhhh, no. Thanks, but no.. I said I really just needed some alone time..
So this is what it's like to be the guy? Wow.. you guys have it kinda tought..
This morning, I got into my car to go to work and there was a CD on my windshield.. He burned it, drove from Cary to Raleigh and dropped it off last night.. Which makes me wonder if he’s been doing the whole drive by my house thing.. or if he peeked in my windows. *shudder* There was a note (of course there was..) it listed the songs and his “reason” for including it.. sometimes he just included snippets of the lyrics that "moved him when he thought about me"..
Allow me to remind you, it has been exactly 3 weeks since our first date.. and we have seen each other 5 times.. and we have not had sex…
It was titled “Love Songs for Jenn”.. Allow me to provide you with a sample of the contents of the note:
Blink 182 – First Date “ Let’s make this last forever and ever..”
John Denver – Love Again
Sk8r Boi “Sorry girl but you missed out.. too bad you couldn’t see the man this boy would be.. there is more than meets the eye, I see the soul that is inside..”
Carbon Leaf – “Live a life less ordinary with me..”
Rod Stewart – Have I told you lately… “No comment, except…”
Proclaimers – 500 Miles – “too much to say about this one”
Cue the shower scene music from Psycho..
All in all there were 20 songs and 20 little “why they remind me of you” statements..
As soon as I got to work, I emailed him and said it’s over.. I know he got the email because he deleted me from his friend list on My Space.. Yeah, that hurt..
In short, I realized 3 things:
1. I am going to have to move into a new house and possibly enter the Witness Protection Program. I am creeped out beyond the telling of it.. Romance should not cause your skin to crawl.
2. The law of Karma dictates that the next man I date will be a abusive alcoholic with a stubborn venereal disease picked up due to his bad habit of banging hookers while vacationing in Thailand..
3. I am not a hearts and flowers kind of girl.. I like manly smart-asses who are not weak stomached and who will kill bugs, do the driving and have no problem with pulling my hair and taking charge in bed.
I’m going to hell.. I know it.. But again, it was 3 weeks.. He was a really nice guy.. I just don’t want to end up chained in his basement..
So… Drinks at the pub this weekend??
Maxim's 100 Things You Should Know About Women
Check out the Maxim 100, with some of my own commentary.. Because, as usual, they're missing some critical points...100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, she’s going to outlive you.
Well, there has to be some benefit to putting up with men..99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, she’s trying to keep herself in line.
Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps us in line, actually, if we really like you..98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you can’t get a hard-on she assumes you’re not attracted to her.
This is so true.. Unless you are really drunk and then we know better..97. Beware of your girlfriend's single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.
Yes, I will.96. Jewelry. Now you always knkow what to get her for a last-minute gift.
Just don’t buy me amethysts.. Right, Kansas?95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.
Do NOT be the naked guy in socks. 94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesn’t get along with other women because she’s either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.
Also, girls with no guys friends are trouble. It means they only see men as potential husbands.93. Girls who say, “I love sports!” are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game they’re talking about, are not.
The real trick is ask her where the team is ranked in the league. The correct answer is #1, with a 4 point lead. And I shouldn’t have to specify the sport.92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when she’s most fertile.
Also “goodbye sex”.. Just trust me on this. I know a guy.91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.
Wait?? Guys write love letters? Which guy? Where is he??90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if it’s their car.
It takes a very secure man to get behind the wheel of Oz, the bug.89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & Co. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.
Again, guys do this?? Where the hell is this guy?? I actually had an ex that told me all about the stuff he bought his ex from Tiffany's.. For our 3 month dating anniversary I got a 12 pack of Diet Mt. Dew.. Oh yeah, there were signs.. 88. “If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.”—Claire, 27
Claire gives sage advice. Trust her on this one.87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterparts—and the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.
Oh, bite me. Like we get ourselves preganant without any help from men?? 86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, you noble bastard.
Sleeping on the wet spot is the highest form of modern chivalry there is.. Jesus, I hate dating..85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless she’s Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.
Blonde, shmonde.. 84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitute—scientific proof most women are decent in bed.
And that 16% of men are useless excuses for carbon based life forms.83. Women always want to believe what you’re saying is true.
Yes, we do. We women can be deeply stupid. 82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.
OK, seriously, what is up with that? Special Agent? Kansas? Mr. Fantastic? All maintain an average home temperature of about 42 degrees. Last week I asked Kansas if he was trying to hibernate through SuperLent and he actually said he had turned up the heat for me. Freak.81. The threesome is not about you; it’s about the two girls. If you’re lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because there’s a good chance it’ll end the relationship.
It should be about the 2 guys taking care of the one girl. 80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, they’ll take it.
You’d just better hope it’s birth control.79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job you’ve ever had.
The Vixen’s respectfully and vehemently disagree with that statement.78. “I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after I’ve come. Wait five minutes.”—Erin, 21
Erin has boundary issues.77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.
We need a time frame. The week before? The year before? 76. She hates your Xbox more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and she’ll soon stop wasting time on a dork like you.
Don’t get me started.75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.
I don’t have a dog. But I would love a man on a leash. 74. “Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. They’re trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.”—Suzy, 31
Or else she’s secretly bisexual. 73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didn't get laid, you're one of the 10.
That reminds me.. Kansas? Gerry? Big Brother? Don’t forget, I need help moving the week of April 24th. I’ll see if I can round up more help. 72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.
I’m a mother of 2 children. I don’t freak out until someone becomes separated from an appendage.71. “Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places that men do—lower abdomen, nipples—we just get rid of them.”—Katie, 26
Katie also has boundary issues. And apparently needs electroysis.70. Unless they’re lesbians, she won’t approve of your hanging out with other girls. Even if they’re ugly. And, really, even if they’re lesbians.
This is not true. We just don’t approve of anyone you spend more time with than us, male or female. 69. If you have something to hide, she’ll find it.
Period. Face it, you always get caught.68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.
I need to move.67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or you’ll be “friended.”
What is it if you slept with them on the first date and became friends later? 66. They can't live without tension. Every once in a while she's gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.
Their logic does not resemble our earth logic.65. The most painless way to end an argument:
Let her win. Accept it. Learn it. Live it. 64. An online dating service’s survey found that a woman’s ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.
Bah.. Hair is over rated.. I was in heaven at the St. Baldrick’s event.63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.
Does that mean there are some trampy 17 year olds eloping?62. A British study claims a woman’s chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.
Sweet. I beat the odds.. Twice..61. When a woman tells you her problems, she does not want you to offer solutions.
Unless it involves our car. Then, feminism be damned, we're at a loss. Feel free to fix it.60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay faux pas.
And for the record: biting is bad.59. “When I’m drunk, I can’t come. Not even with a vibrator.”—Lauren, 35
Poor Lauren. We should have a telethon for her disability.58. If they're going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.
This is why you shouldn’t get involved with women under 30. Except for Jenny Barnes. 57. Most women think they’re better drivers than they are. Don’t point this out while she’s at the wheel or she’ll freak and crash.
I’m an excellent driver.. and excellent, excellent driver.. I’ve only totaled 2 cars.. an excellent driver..56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.
I wonder how many calories are in a tube of lipstick?54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and she’ll change her tune. “I’ve known so many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy,” says Evie, 22.
The key is “awhile”.. We have about 3 free shags in each of us and then you get attached. It’s as inherent in a chick as our craving for shoes and shopping.53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolie’s lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.
These lips do not look good on everyone. 2 words: Melanie Griffith.52. Despite always complimenting another woman’s short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.
This is true. I have not cut my hair beyond a trim in over 3 years. Every man I meet tells me not to cut it. 51. Don’t call her “cute.” In her mind it’s the same as “not vomit-inducing.” “Sexy,” OK. “Hot,” yes. “Fucking awesome,” only if she’s at least slightly buzzed.
We hate cute. Baby ducks are cute. We want to be exotic and mysterious.50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because they’re in denial about the size of their feet—which they can’t stand.
Designer footwear is best if dainty. 49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.
Uhh. No, we don’t.48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which they’re unsure.
Unless you’re a Vixen, then there’s never a doubt.47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.
Ouch. I stand corrected. Altho, I will be leaving the ranks of “losers” April 24th. Again, I am taking volunteers to help me move. I probably won't sleep with you, so just keep it in mind that you'll be helping me out of the goodness of your heart..46. Women want to talk dirty, but they’re afraid you won’t respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesn’t make her less classy and she’ll probably go wild. Jäger helps.
O Bombs. And the less we care about you, the more inclined we are to talk dirty.45. Twenty-three percent of this magazine’s readers are women.
42% of the List readers are women. Thepercentage will keep increasing as I no longer add the men I date to The List. 44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man—including anal.
There’s a risk/reward trade-off scenario if I ever heard of it. We never covered this particular one in MBA school, mind you.41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about someone else’s opinion.
Good point. Pregnancy is usually a key factor in hair cuts as well. 40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.
Well, duhh.. Anyone that tries to get me to wear a pink chiffon tulle net nightmare with flowers in my hair deserves to get bitch-smacked.39. It never hurts to say you're sorry, even if you don't mean it.
It will placate us the way nothing else will.38. Let her beat you at something once in a while—poker, chess, Ping-Pong—and she’ll be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.
Just not sports, if we can beat you in sports, you're branded a wuss. 37. Women’s public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than men’s.
This is very true. How do women miss the whole damn commode? I get the splatter effect of the squat and hover but some women miss the WHOLE toilet. It boggles the mind. 36. “At one point or another, I’ve gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. I’m talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you don’t like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. It’s not about trust; it’s about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till it’s been satiated.”—Caroline, 28
Caroline needs therapy. And she’s been stealing money out of your wallet. That totally wasn't me. 35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight seconds.
I already have 2 kids, I don’t need a 3rd.34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. It’s only about four minutes long.
Chick rock sucks. 33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!
Uhhh, ewww..32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their own home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else they’re hovering above the toilet in a squat.
See #37.31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several full rolls of TP.
If you have a matching bath mat and shower cutain, we’re impressed.. Matching hand towels? We think you’re gay..30. “Don’t caress our faces while we’re kissing, unless you really, really, really like us.”—Rachel, 21
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.. Of course he likes you.. and all the other girls he’s using that cheesy ass move on.. 29. On a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.
Hell yes I do.. Free meal? That’s not the time to skimp. If I really dont like the guy I'm getting steak!28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didn’t know.
You can be a B cup and still have a great rack. My ratio of drinks paid for to drinks bought is a geat testiment to the value of B-cups.27. Gain her trust when you’re out by calling her at 10 P.M. She’ll go to bed content you’re thinking of her, even if you’re slurping Jell-O shots off some skank’s cleavage.
This is completely true. Throw in a "thinking of you" text message at 1:00am and we'll never question where you were unless we find the recepit from the strip club. We are deeply stupid. 26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.
Put down the Drakkar because the 80’s are over you Don Johnson wanna be. 25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.
It’s probably Kansas. Super Lent is blurring the lines of his sexuality. Soon small furry animals will be unsafe. Well, more unsafe. 24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.
Screw that. Caveat Emptor. There are no warranties on men. They come As Is. 23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and you’ll see it more often.
True. And we all generally hate the way we look naked. It’s a chick thing. That's how you can tell we really are comfortable with you. Daylight nakedness..22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.
Sadly, this is an almost sure-fire way to get a blow job.. Yes, again, we are deeply stupid. 21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.
And women between 18-25 are not only deeply stupid but insanely esteem deficient. Again, this is why women over 30 rock. Body acceptance. We may not like what it looks like, but we're mor comfortable in our own skin.20. All women think they’re smarter than their partners in some significant way.
This used to be true. Iactually thought the last 2 guys I dated were smarter than I was. And look how well that turned out.. Apparently it's better to date the idiots.. 19. The more piercings she has, the more places she’ll let you put it.
Hey.. Hey!! That’s not necessarily true. 18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and don't complain about it.
Unless it’s Terms of Endearment. Then violence is generally acceptable.17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.
Especially if the question involves the word “fat”16. Chicks aren’t afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask..
Watch her eyes. If you see horror and panic, you’ve asked for too much.. Ramp it back a bit. Drop the request for the latex body paint and the gag ball. 15. Girls don’t want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.
Just don’t come in drunk and stinking of whores. There's a difference between bowling night and strip club night.. 14. Don't take a woman to a concert you really want to see—she'll just want to leave early.
Fair enough, depending on the band.. Although, I am usually the last man standing at musical events. 13. “Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesn’t give you an excuse to suck at foreplay.”—Elena, 28
Bravo.. If you happen to have a big penis and are good with foreplay, then you are the holy grail of men.. Make up t-shirts so we can identify you easier..12. Studies show women are more attracted to “macho” guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, they’re drawn to “good providers,” otherwise known as chumps.
Dated both. And they both broke my heart. Bad news, apparently the only warning sign that a guy will probably end up hurting you is if he has a penis.. 11. She likes one of your friends.
The cute one? Yeah, yeah.. Doesn’t mean we’ll sleep with him.10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like they're more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.
Whatever. The Vixens are all fabulous and beautiful.9. The minute she decides she’s even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.
I only do the name thing when I think I’m really in love. Especially if it’s a “bad” name. I love my current name. I weep for the day I have to give it up for something less than lyrical. One guy I dated had a really bad last name.. I asked him how he would feel, if things worked out, if I kept my ex-husband's name instaed of taking his. Sheesh.. ask one little question..8. Sixty percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to L’Oréal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).
Bitch, please. Of course this is my real hair color. 7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.
And a quick trip to the health clinic is probably advisable.6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. That’s your five o’clock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, we’re not suggesting you shave.)
Thigh? Damn.. Even Maxim doesn’t know what they’re doing down there.. No wonder so many guys get it wrong..5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.
No we don’t.. Blunt force trauma to the skull.. Be sure to lay down plastic to contain the splatter.. Ammonia and bleach will destroy blood evidence.. God, I love CSI.. It's made ending relationships so much easier to do!!4. Foghat’s “Slow Ride” is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?
And if you listen to that song when you’re with a women, she’s going to leave. You will not get laid. 3. The one breakup line she’ll never be able to argue you out of: “I’m sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.” If you want it over, this is what you have to say..
Otherwise, we will cling to the shred of hope that things can be fixed. You really have to say: "It's not me.. It's you.. " Remember, deeply stupid. 2. Buying a present for your girl? She’ll hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.
If you ever got one for your ex, don't bother buying it.1. You'll probably never know how many guys she's slept with. The standard lie is five. Which really means about 12. 5?
Uhhhh.. I really need to submit SPF to Maxim. They are a bit behind the times.
Of course the most important thing to know is that, by and large, women are smarter than men.. for example, we can count to 100.. I bet most of my femalre readers figured out that this is not 100 Things.. There are 3 missing (#'s 42, 43 and 55). This article was pulled directly from Maxim's online site so it was not an omission on my part, it was one on theirs. This slight tendency of men to inflate the numbers is probably a good explanation for the disparity in what men and women consider to be "average size"..
Have a good one, Gang..
The Wish List
I have had comment after comment about how picky women are, about how we seem to want this impossible combination of great looks, romance, sensitivity, success, brains, awe inspiring genitalia and charisma.. It’s right about here that Kansas will say something along the lines of “What? I’m right here, they can all stop looking.. Plenty of me to go around...”.. apparently, being called “the dating equivalent of a palate cleanser” was not his idea of a compliment..
But I digress..
What exactly am I looking for? Or rather, what have I been going on all these dates for the last 2 years in the hopes of finding? There are the obvious details such as must like kids, must not want me to have any more kids, must be a church goer, no felony convictions.. They say the Devil is in the details.. So what are my details? What am I really looking for? This is one of my older articles I wrote about a year and a half ago.. I have updated parts of it, but by and large it remains intact..
Cue the theme from Fantasy Island, please..
Looks. I personally don't have a "type".. I am a sucker for an accent, but typically that only lasts as long as the beer does.. If you lined up every man I’ve been really involved with or even just dated side by side, there is no common thread that runs among them.. I suspect that is because I almost never have a very strong physical attraction to anyone initially.. The sparks usually develop for me after some conversation.. Looks truly aren’t everything... For example, The Suspect’s occasionally run into friend of a friend, let’s call him Lyman the Limey, out on the town. This guy is, by any standards, a damn good looking guy.. Tall, broad shoulders, blonde hair, blue eyes, great smile.. And then he opens his mouth and you realize he’s an asshole. Everything he says is a put down or rude or obnoxious. He’s completely misogynistic towards all women and thinks himself God’s gift.. Most of the Vixen’s run when we see him coming. No wonder he’s still single.. The thing that’s most attractive about a man is when they don’t realize how really attractive they are.. A certain amount of self-deprecating humor is a very attractive feature.. Not false modesty but genuine humility.. However, if I had to pick a single important physical trait in a man, it would be physical fitness.. If a man cares enough to take care of his own body, he might just be willing to take care of mine.. That and there’s just something about a guy who likes to get all sweaty and be active.. It’s much more appealing than the couch slug, Al Bundy type.
The Mind: There has to be charm and a great personality.. The older I get, the more important this becomes.. Having spent most of my life surrounded by smart-asses , it's not just personality, but the ability to engage in quick witted conversation, sharp verbal banter and make with the snappy comeback.. Any guy that can’t keep up with the conversation and provide witty repartee is just not going to get anywhere with me. I also like a man that’s genuinely smart. Not necessarily book smart, but intelligent. I need to be able to hold a conversation about things going on, life, hobbies, etc and know that my companion will not lose my interest.. I remember a date I went on last summer with a cop (and before anyone can ask, it was not part of a plea bargain).. At one point, when we were talking about my upcoming trip to Romania and it being a former communist country, I made a reference to “glasnost”.. My date sort of looked a bit puzzled and then said that he’d always wanted to go there since his dad’s family was Scottish. Oh. My. God. He was referring to Glasgow. And they give him a gun? There was no second date.
Romance. Why is this concept so difficult for most men to comprehend? I've never understood why it is so hard for men to grasp the notion that if you pick up a Hallmark card and grab a $4.99 bunch of mixed flowers from the Harris Teeter floral section and show up on her doorstep any day of the year when gifts are not mandatory, you are almost guaranteed non-stop sex that night.. Buy her any kind of jewelry when it’s not Valentines, her birthday or Christmas and a blow job is practically guaranteed. Heck, you may get outfits and access to areas on her body previously considered off limits. I'd probably chip a tooth trying to gnaw through a zipper if any one I was dating ever showed up with flowers or a card in hand when there wasn’t an apology involved.. I have never dated anyone that I would classify as romantic, which just goes to show, once again, my system for screening the men I date has got vast room for improvement. Romance does not have to be expensive.. A bubble bath after a hard day, candles, favorite take out, watching a chick-flick without making a single derogatory comment, a back rub, a glass of wine on the deck listening to music, walks at sunset.. Of course, jewelry and the surprise island getaway are lovely gestures that would be highly appreciated but most women are so used to not being romanced that we're terribly easy to impress.. That’s also why we women get so upset when men aren’t romantic.. It’s not hard, it’s not expensive.. There are step by step books on how to be romantic. When a guy makes no effort at romance, the message is you’re not worth the effort.
Sexuality. In terms of a relationship, sexual compatibility is probably a top priority. You can't be a once a day girl dating a once a month guy... This is just asking for disaster.. Trust me, I speak from experience.. And despite my early flippancy regarding size of the male genitalia, size is a somewhat flexible requirement.. And the more flexible the guy, the less size he requires.. A man who is willing to push boundaries, be open to fantasy and is generous with the foreplay wins out over size any day.. An enjoyment of latex, handcuffs and spanking is a real bonus. Also, for the most part, with most women, oral skills are non-negotiable. The best sexual relationship I ever had was with a man who genuinely enjoyed being a “giver”.. And conversely, the biggest sign I ever received that the sexual relationship wasn’t going to work was when the gentleman I was dating confessed that “going down” was something that he thought should be saved for special occasions and should not be required every time. Foreplay is for special occasions? Abandon ship.. The reality is, if you make it to Happily Ever After, you’re going to grow old together and eventually, the wild monkey sex days are going to taper off a bit.. My thought is that, yes, that is an inevitable part of growing older but it should not be a problem until I am old. For the next 20 years, I want a happy, fulfilling and active sex life filled with variety. And if that variety happens to include fun and games with costumes and “safe words”, then hey, I’m just that much happier. The baby pool filled with motor oil, the pygmy goat, feather boa, jar of mini gherkins and the theme from Mighty Mouse are all optional props.
Money. I don’t give a damn what a guy makes. Never have. My theory is any woman who is interested in a man’s stocks isn't someone that man should be putting stock into.. I can take care of myself, my kids and still have enough left over for the occasional designer footwear purchase. All I really want is a guy with an actual job that pays well enough so he can afford to go out with me on the weekend and do some traveling.. I gotta confess, the idea of a guy surprising me with thoughtful gifts or whisking me away for that romantic weekend in the islands is not without it's appeal but when you’ve paid for your own engagement ring and your wedding band came from a pawn shop, your expectations tend to be a bit low.. I’m not sure I would know how to behave in a relationship where I wasn’t the breadwinner and not in charge of all the money.. I’ve always been fascinated by these women who find men to take care of them and lavish them with gifts.. Where do they find them? I was on a date once with a guy I’ll call Tight Wad Bob.. It was our 3rd date and he picked me up, drove us to Bogart’s ordered a $30 bottle of wine, appetizers and the most expensive entrée on the menu and then tells me that he thinks dating should be an equal partnership and seeing as he paid for the first two dates, would I pay for this dinner?. Did I mention our first date was coffee at Starbuck’s and the second one was appetizers and drinks at the pub which were all but free thanks to Gerry? I sat there stunned for a second, then flagged the waiter down, cancelled my order and proceeded to tell Tight Wad that no, I didn’t think I should pay for dinner when he was the one who had asked me out and that, irregardless, the date was over. He started to say something but I cautioned him if he said one more word, I would not heistate to make a scene that would leave him emotionally scarred for life and possibly banned from Bogart's.. And while our first 2 dates didn't teach him about manners it apparently taught him to be afraid of my temper... He sat down and, presumably, finished the bottle of wine by himself.
So in summary, I’ve been looking for a physically fit, employed, charming smart-ass with a voracious sexual appetite and enough money to spring for the occasional pizza and a Hallmark card.. Instead I’ve seen a parade of commitment phobic, emotionally anorexic, cheap, narcoleptic liars and bad drunks come traipsing through my life. The few decent men that have made their mark inevitably were poorly suited to long term relationships due to our fundamental differences in life goals such as marriage, living arrangements and kids.. Just about the time a girl would begin to despair, just about the time anyone would be ready to throw in the towel, something marvelous happens. Or rather, someone..
"Out of cold Winter, where loneliness spent, and into the Spring, my soul first went.. Lightly through Summer, where longing grows and into the Fall, so my heart goes.."
17 Bad Dates... Part 2
Once again, God decided that I was taking way too many liberties with what constitutes a bad date.. Note to self: Hanging out with Kansas inspires the wrath of God. 11. This has to be the most humiliating date ever. It was a quiet night at home, I was kicked back, enjoying a frosty adult beverage and a really bad movie from the 80's.. I got a call from Dave, a person with whom I can only term our relationship as "complicated".. We've never dated, will never date and generally don't even care too much for each other but we have a strange sort of chemistry between us and occasionally hang out and get on each other's nerves.. So I get this call where he proceeds to invite me over to watch a movie.. What the heck.. it's only 10:00pm and frankly, I'm feeling a bit lonely.. Once I get to his neighborhood, I give him a call to remind me where the actual house is.. No answer.. I call again.. No answer.. And again.. No answer.. After about 10 tries I head back home.. The next morning I get a text message from him saying he was sorry but he fell asleep.. Priceless.. This, my friends, is the sludge sucking bottom of the dating pool.. When they can't even be bothered to stay awake for the date, you've hit rock bottom.
12. I'm actually counting the last one twice. He fell asleep, people. That's worse than being stood up.. The blow my ego took was harsh enough that counting it only twice is probably a total underestimation. At the very least it evens out all those platonic dates with Kansas.
13. Ted, a firefighter from Raleigh, from, once again, Yahoo. He sends me a picture of himself. Pretty cute. He says he's a young 38, divorced, one kid.. We agree to meet at RiRa's. When he walks up and says hi, I did a huge double take.. 38, my ass. The man was old enough to be my father.. He was at least mid-50'ss. That's just wrong. Did he not think I would notice he was around 15 years older than he claimed to be?? And then there was the fact that he stuck out like a sore thumb with the 30 Something crowd at RiRa's.. We get our drinks and sit down. After a mind-numbingly uncomfortable 10 minutes I get up to go get another drink and hit the ladies room. When I get back, Ted says that while I was gone, the band (The Complaints, one of my favorite bands that I help with promotions from time to time) had dedicated a song to me and wanted me to come on stage to do a shot but I was nowhere to be found. He then proceeds to ask "how many guys from the band *have* you slept with?".. Now that just pissed me off, as rudeness is one of my biggest pet peeves.. However, it did provide me with my exit strategy... I stood up, shook his hand and said:
"Thanks, enjoy your drink, if you run home now I bet you can still catch the end of Matlock, Gramps..".14. Yet another Yahoo candidate. I'm just a walking advertisement for Yahoo, huh? Except that all my experiences with Yahoo have sucked ass. At this point, I'm starting to actually enjoy the thrilling anticipation of predicting the psychosis. What will be wrong with this one??.. Let's call this one "I'm Nuts and Maybe A danger To Everyone I meet".. Initially,
INMATE seemed normal, but then, don't they all.. In our initial calls I clarified that he did actually look like and was the same age as in his pictures, had a 3 year old son and was not a Jehovah's Witness and proceeded from there, affirming that my screening process has still got vast room for improvement.. We never actually met, which is why this probably shouldn't qualify as a bad date but given what transpired, I'm counting it anyways..
After chatting a bit he discloses that his former business partner was recently convicted and sentenced to 9 years in prison for violation of SPAM-ing laws but that he had left the business prior to the illegal activities.. He said he felt he had to mention it as his name was very publicly associated with the criminal charges, even though he was never involved in them.. I made a few phone calls (I've got friends in low places..) and yep, his name was all over the news and criminal records associated with this trial.. However, the info my sources tapped into seemed to support his story that he was not actually involved in the criminal trial, just that he was a former partner in the business and a victim of identity theft... Of course, the slight skepticism that remained should have been exacerbated into full fledged "abandon ship" panic by the fact that he seemed to have no discernible job and indicated his income came from "up North" and that he worked primarily in "sheltered income" and "non-traditional investment opportunities ". Most of his income was "undocumented commission".. When I ran this by Kansas, his reply was
"Mafia or Amway.. Either way, you're fucked.. The guy is bad news.." Despite the red flags, alarm bells and the sound of the siren they use for impending nuclear power plant disasters, I initially agreed to meet him for a date the following week.. However, over the weekend, sanity prevailed and I decided to back out. I'm lonely, not desperate. I called Sunday night and left a quick message saying to call me back.. About an hour later I get a call back..
From his mother.. She wanted to know if I knew her son..
"Uhhh, sort of? Why??".. Apparently he disappeared a few days before and she saw my name on his caller ID and wanted to know if I had any contact with him.. I said nope, none since last week and I had never met him in person, didn't know anything about him, knew nothing about his business activities or what he even looked like (just in case we were dealing with a federal wire-tap or potential mob hit).. I did ask if his son was missing as well.. She said oh no, she had been watching his son all weekend.. I said if I heard from him, I would be sure to ask him to call home.. After we hung up, I changed his number in my caller ID from his name to "DNA" as in Do Not Answer..
The part where he was gone for 3 days without calling to check on his kid (no parent does that) caused me to draw the conclusion that he either was fleeing an indictment or ran afoul of the mob.. Suddenly the Amway scenario was looking less and less likely.. Given I never heard from him again, I concluded he was either floating on the end of cement shoes or possibly adjusting to life as a Canadian..
I was wrong.
He is apparently alive and well and is friends with the
Escort that tried to woo AJ from MySpace.. How very not surprising..
This is where it ends. After the felony guy, I decided that staying single was a valid life choice, at least for the time being. I just couldn't continue to subject myself to these dating disasters without wanting to throw myself under a bus. I pretty much quit dating, focused on my mission trip and then just spent time with my friends and my kids. Oddly enough, I sort of miss my maniacal dating spree. I learned a lot about human nature and about what fear really is. I also really learned to appreciate that God would put the right person in front of me in all due time. Since then there've been some hits and some misses, but nothing nearly as comical as the hootenanny cavalcade of online dating disasters from last summer.. I swore off online dating forever and decided that the right guy would appear when He decided I was ready..
Oddly enough, there is a funny little post script to this story. I recently started seeing someone kinda fantastic. As everyone knows, my rule is not to write about the people I am dating until it is serious or I at least have determined how they feel about being blogged. Hell, the last guy I dated prefaced every date, conversation, intimacy and phone call with "If this shows up on the blog, I will never speak to you again.."
For irony's sake, I will reveal that I met
Mr. Fantastic online through My Space.
God sure has a quirky sense of humor.
17 Bad Dates.... Part 1
In
The Between Boyfriend's Book, the author submits the hypotesis that you have to go on 17 bad dates after a break-up before you get to have a good one.. To test this theory during a dry spell late last Spring, for purely scientific purposes, I decided track my own dating progress over approximately 30 days to see how long it took me to get to the "good man" part of the equation.. Or to get through 17 dates, whichever came first..
Before I could begin to chronicle my disastrous dating experiences, I had to determine the appropriate starting point. That Spring I had ended things with The Mad Scotsman and then had 3 very promising dates with someone new before that abruptly ended (insert yada, yada, yada, here). Do I start counting with the end of my relationship with The Mad Scotsman or the end of my not-quite-a-relationship-but-it-was-fun thing?? I decided to start my quest with the date that ended the not-quite-a-relationship.
Further, I decided to couple this quasi-scientific experiment with a foray into the world of online dating.. My theory was if I was going to have to endure 17 bad dates, let’s make sure they were *really* bad dates. Enter The Yahoo Personals. Also known as Dating Hell.
I know, I know, online dating seems so, I don’t know, desperate? Shady?? Dangerous?? Yes to all of the above. But frankly, the look of panic on men's faces when they hear "2 kids" prompted me to be willing to go the online route.. At least this way, all my baggage is right out there so anyone that has a problem with it won't waste my time. It's the equivalent of wearing a dating biohazard sign.
Here we go..
1. My promising beginning came to an abrupt end over dessert at Ben and Jerry's, forever altering my high regard for Berry Berry Extrordinary forever.
2. Dinner with Kansas.. Technically it probably doesn't count as a date b/c we are just friends and the evening in question also occurred the day before I got dumped but the fact that he spent the whole night flirting with AJ while I was making him dinner for his birthday was annoying enough for me to decide to count it anyways.
3. Went out dancing on Cinqo de Mayo with Marco, the Vixen’s 22 year old boy-toy. He is just possibly the best dancer I have ever met. He could give my Evil Twin Jared a run for his money. I decided it counts as a date because he paid for the drinks and there was some naughty dancing involved. The fact that I could have babysat for him while I was still in college eliminated any chance of him being anything other than an incredible ego boost..
4. Drinks with a Todd from Yahoo personals. Nice guy, 2 kids, church goer, lots of promise.. We met for drinks at a local restaurant.. At the risk of losing points, I have to say it wasn't a bad date, I just felt absolutely no sparkage between us.. But he was such a nice guy, I agreed to a future date.
Ladies and Gentlemen, right about here is where the dating took a turn for the strange and unusual.. Apparently God did not like me counting Kansas as a date or dancing with a 22 year old and decided to smite me for my actions.5. Dinner with a Huge, Drunk, Obnoxious Redneck. This was not a date of my choice. This was supposed to be Dani's wedding weekend (which obviously did not happen) so we did what any sensible women in that situation do. We left town. Friday night she hit it off with a cute boy and suckered me into flying wingman for his friend for dinner on Saturday. The dinner was actually not that bad but after it was over and we headed to a bar, HDOR proceeded to get pretty schockered and chase away every remotely eligible cute guy within a 10 foot radius. What is the female equivalent of cock-blocking? Boob-blocking?? Whatever it was, he excelled at it. I called it a night at 10:00 and went back to the hotel in favor of some soft core porn on the Oxygen channel.
6. Dinner with James also of Yahoo personals. This is where we get to the heart of the problem with online dating.. The lack of "truthiness".. After several witty and sharply written emails and the exchange of pictures, I pushed for a face to face meeting. At that point he back pedaled and suggested I might be disappointed in him.. This set the alarm bells to ringin' and the red flags a wavin'.. And with good reason.. When he arrived to pick me up, it became obvious that the pictures were not at all recent.. This was an individual who described himself as athletic and sent pics of himself with what appeared to be a 32' waist.. That was probably about 70 lbs ago.. I am not shallow by any stretch of the imagination but, damn.. That's just false advertising.. I would assume most men would be pissed if I touted myself as a tall, busty blonde who sports C cups and then showed up looking like, well, me.. Not that "me" is bad, but it ain't a tall, busty blonde with C cups.. You might think this was what sank the deal for this guy, but actually, the deal breaker was his admission that he was a Jehovah's Witness.. 2 words: Nail and Coffin.
7. Movie at Kansas’ house. Another "technically this is not a date" but we did have wine and watch a movie. I count it because I went over to his place to watch said movie after my disastrously uncomfortable date with James from Yahoo. I think it counts as there was a drink involved and I double booked for the same night.. Essentially the platonic hang out rides on the coattails of the lousy date. Kansas is the dating equivalent of a palate cleanser.. That's a fair play in my rule book. I was hoping God would understand and allow me to count it.
8. I had a 15 minute make-out session with a bar boy, after he gave me a ride home from downtown. This might be gray area in the use of the word "date" but he did buy me several drinks, we spent about an hour hanging out and there was kissing involved.. I blame the free Miller Lite and my enforced celibacy..
9. Second date with Yahoo Todd at the local comedy club.. This has to count as a bad date, not because of my companion but the comedian.. I have no race relations issues but the fact is I am a itty bitty white girl.. We went to see
Patrice O'Neal.. Bear in mind, I am used to the foul mouths of Irish bartenders and dated a Scotsman with Tourettes for over a year so precious little offends or bothers me but even this was a bit much.. The performance was so foul, raunchy, racist and profane that I was actually embarrassed. That's saying something.. I felt bad for Todd b/c I think he was mortified that the show was beyond comedic or risqué.. At one point it was just this guy shouting "N" this and "mother fucker" that .. I couldn't tell where the profanity ended and the jokes began.. I don't actually think there were any jokes.
10. The Inevitable Sex with the Ex.. Yeah, yeah, yeah.. I ended up giving into my hormones and allowing my libido to take the wheel for a night. What the hell.. Given that The Mad Scotsman and I remained friends, I just considered it a naked walk down memory lane. What can I say? Celibacy doesn't suit me.
Next week: Narcolepsy, Matlock and Felons, Oh My!!
Faith in Men?
It goes without saying that I love men. All my life most of my close friends have been men. I have never been one of those “All Men Suck” kind of women and generally have maintained faith in the male of the species and believed that desperate leg humping troglodytes are the exception rather than the rule.
Until recently.
Allow me to share with you 3 stories that give men a bad name. The last one actually occurred this past weekend.. These are the kind of experiences that turns otherwise trusting, secure females such as myself into the kind of crazed psycho that hacks into email, steals a guy’s phone to check the last 10 numbers called and counts the number of condoms in the bathroom drawer (which after
Awkward Conversation #2, should NOT change)..
But He Wasn’t Wearing A Wedding Ring
One night, Dani and I were having post-work drinks at the pub (as we occasionally do) and were approached by several gentlemen who all worked for our federal government.. We did the ring check, 2 with, 2 without.. One of the "withouts” was fairly charming and started chatting me up. As Dani and I were leaving to run home to change out of our work gear, he asked for my phone number. I wasn’t that interested but he seemed nice, somewhat intelligent and at least passably cute and I was single with no promising prospects so I gave it to him. We returned to the pub some 3 hours later to find our local government representatives had not moved. And were shitfaced. So this guy, let’s call him Special Agent CockSucker (actually, Dani did call him that… Repeatedly.. To his face.. God, I love her..) got completely obnoxious and tried to kiss me twice, despite my warnings that I had no qualms with assaulting a federal agent in public. After a few more attempted gropes, I suggested to his friend (Special Agent DipShit) that perhaps he call it a night while he could still walk..
After he finally left, I ended up striking up a conversation and really hitting it off with one of his friends that had just arrived and was therefore sober.. I rapidly developed a keen interest in his friend, more commonly known as
Special Agent Smart Ass. Over the next hour it became obvious that the interest was mutual so I was surprised he didn't ask for my phone number as he was geting ready to leave.. As we've already covered, I'm not much of a Rules Girl so I asked if he wanted to get together one night for a drink. At this point S.A. Smart Ass expressed valid concern that I had given my number to his friend mere hours before. Busted.
Note to self: word travels fast amongst the special agents.. I was honest and said at the beginning of the night, the other guy seemed ok but by the end, he was a drunken jackass and that even if he did call me I had no interest in going out with him given his behavior. At this point, S.A. SmartAss told me not to hold my breath as, I probably wouldn't be hearing from S.A. CockSucker, what with him being married with kids. How right he was.. I never heard from him.. Of course, the fact that I ended up dating SA. SmartAss for awhile also could have impacted his decision not to call as well, so who knows.. In the end, I lost a little faith in the federal government’s character screening process with one gentleman but ultimately more than gained it back in S.A. Smart Ass..
Not Everyone Wants To Sleep With Me.. OK, Maybe They Do..
A funny thing happened on the way to the gynecologist.. I stopped by a coffee shop to kill some time and read a book... An attractive gentleman sits down on the couch across from me and strikes up a conversation.. The first thing I notice about him is that he is wearing a wedding ring.. I don't jump to any negative conclusions. After all, it is 10:45am at a coffee shop and I really don't automatically assume everyone who talks to me is trying to get in my pants.. We engage in casual conversation for about 15 to 20 minutes, he’s just in from out of town and will be traveling to the area frequently, I make suggestions for lodging, dinner and drink locations, etc.. As I am getting ready to leave, he asks if he could get my phone number and take me out for a drink one night as a thank you for being his virtual tour guide.. I asked, ever so politely, if he would be bringing his wife and if so, should I bring my kids?? He proceeded to tell me he and his wife have an "understanding" about when he travels since she doesn’t really enjoy sex anymore. He goes on to tell me that he felt a real connection with me and would like to get to know me better.. To this I replied that there was no point in getting to know me better b/c if he did, he'd know just how lucky he was that I had not kicked his teeth down this throat.
Screw Parental Controls, We Need Spousal Controls..
Since the advent of email, texting, online communities like My Space, etc., the ability to screw around on one’s significant other has become easier than ever. As much as a techno-geek as I am, I admit I feel a certain amount of trepidation in being in relationships as the vast array of messaging media makes it increasingly easy for individuals to cheat and not get caught.. Most people assume that if we get involved with someone, the idea is we quit dating other people. Ergo,
Awkward Conversation #1. At the very least, you’d think that once you get married, it’s just a given that the exchange of rings and vows should precipitate a withdrawal from the dating pool..
You’d think that, but occasionally, you’d be wrong.
This past weekend I received a message from someone on Friendster, an online community like My Space that I posted a profile on last year. I had not logged in since last June sometime and AJ was my only friend on Friendster, so you can see why I was quite surprised to see a message originated from there. Here’s what the message said:
Hi! My name is Alan and I currently live in Chicago but come to RTP quite often for work. I know that you are looking for a "single" guy....but was wondering if you would consider any kind of a relationship (ok.. affair) with a married man. I work as the Medical Director for a pharmaceutical company and we are conducting many clinical trials in RTP, therefore, I travel to your city quite often. If you would have any interest in having dinner....and seeing what may or may not develop - I know that I would very much enjoy it. I can send you photos if you like....just let me know what email to use. My email is **DELETED** I do hope that you will write back...... Until then, Alan My reply:
Alan,Thanks for your interest. Apparently you did not read my profile very closely. The part where it says "active in my church" probably should have been a big hint that adultery is not something I would consider.I will be praying for you and your wife.JennI forwarded it on to The Usual Suspects whose general response was that I let him off too easily. Kansas’ suggested response used the word “ass bandit”. And they were all annoyed I deleted his email as they wanted to form some kind of
Matrimony Vigilante Email Posse and electronically kick his ass. I know, I probably was way too easy on the guy, but you know, if someone is so low, such a total scumbag as to attempt to engage a single mother of 2 children in an affair, there is nothing I can say that will possibly make a difference. The man is just plain stupid.. Ultimately, he will get caught and, God willing, his wife will get it all. Let’s just hope she doesn’t get a disease from him first. I know it seems out of character for me to just let somethinglike that go with such a tame email but I really am not some kind of crazy person that seeks retribution for the wrongdoings of others on their behalf.
*ConclusionI have to wonder, are men really this fucking stupid? On one hand, I can see the "nothing ventured, nothing gained" attitude from guy at the coffee shop but the other two mystify me. Take the guy from the pub, I just don't get.. He lives here.. And is acquainted with someone I ended up dating.. That detail aside, what if I had seen him out day at the Wal-Mart with his wife and kids and walked up, given him a huge hug and said something like:
"Hey! I was wondering if I'd ever see you again.. I thought you were going to call me so we could go out??".. Something tells me that would not have made the little woman happy.. In an effort to cut the guy some slack, I am willing to chalk that one up to “drunk thing” and assume he normally is a devoted and faithful husband..
But the last guy.. Why would you email someone you know nothing about and ask them if they want to have an affair with you? My moral indignation aside, the guy wouldn’t make it past my screening process (which admittedly is highly flawed) as he was obviously an idiot. I don’t care if he is the Medical Director of a major pharma company, he’s dumb as a box of rocks. Let’s examine the evidence: My profile made reference to my extensive church activities and my having 2 kids. What about that would lead someone to believe that having an affair with a married man is going to be on the menu with me? That’s like emailing Pat Robertson and seeing if he’d be up for a night of dinner and dancing at a gay bar with Hugo Chavez and Ted Kennedy. Let's face it folks, the R.S.V.P. on that one is going to be a "No"..
I admit, that last one really shook my faith in men. I have such a hard time really opening up to someone and trusting them when I have experiences such as these in my head. Trust is such a fragile thing. Granted, men as a whole should not be punished for the misdeeds of a few, but it is my unfortunate belief that the few are not so few anymore.. Do all men cheat? Or rather, would all men cheat if they had the chance and really believed they could get away with it? I’d like to think that strength of character and basic love and respect for their loved one would keep a guy faithful.. But let's be realistic, I think most women would be happy if fear of disease guaranteed fidelity..
As I once again begin the process of new dating experiences, I say a little prayer that I can push the memories of these experiences out of my mind and focus instead the good guys that are out there.. Men of character and quality like Big Brother, Kansas, Rich, HunnyBunny, Special Agent SmartAss, StormTrooper Rich, The Mad Scotsman, Rene, Clyde, Brother Wade, Kendrick and Stan, just to name a few.. You guys are the ones that give us ladies faith to go on those first dates.. And for that, on behalf of my entire gender, I say thanks for not being a bunch of desperate, leg-humping, cheating troglodytish bastards..
Happy dating, y'all..
*Legal Disclaimer. In the event that “Alan” comes across this posting, I’d like to state for the record that I did not take your personal email address and use it to sign you up for all those Christian Marriage newsletters, the BDSM product listing updates, the guy-on-guy gay porn video sampler packs or register you as a sex offender for criminal bestiality in 7 states and the District of Columbia. That was clearly the work of some less than law abiding citizen who was appalled and disgusted by your actions and took it upon themselves to extract retribution on your wife’s behalf. Thank-you.
Oh my Holy Mary Mother of God..
